The Suicide I survived..

I remember the wind was so strong , I struggled to push myself against it . The urge to end this was stronger. I kept moving  across the icy shoreline , my feet sinking into frozen tides of sand snow , my  ears ringing from the cold . 

Climbing the slippery steps I stood there  , taking in the view .. 

This was no moment of peace . 

The waves raged and broke like the emotions inside me , mirrored across miles of angry January ice water. 

The wind increased , as if that was possible , making it excruciating to breathe . 

I had to get to the end . Then , I would know.. 

The visions my mind was conjuring burned in me like the fuel I needed to reach the end of the massive concrete pier. 

I never made it that far . 

Agony replaced my determination , and I stopped . Something inside of me stopped moving then everything went still. 

I stood facing the opposite pier , watching the water move and swirl deadly currents forever trying to escape the confines of the river, wanting to get back out into its endless body of water.. 

I knew it would hurt . I knew it would kill me . 

If I stood there , or jumped 

The outcome was the same . 

I looked down at my reflection , what little I could see , illuminated by the moon and the dim row of lights along the walking path . 

Nothing made sense . My face became shapes , and my breath became clouds

My tears were freezing against my eyelashes. I was turning to ice . I felt my lips turning blue , as I simply let go of the railing I was white knuckling . 

A thousand and one thoughts raced through my mind , I felt myself slipping in. 

The sensation was so overpowering I felt the breath leave my lungs , and refuse to return . 

" BREATHE GODDAMNIT" 

As the water rushed up around me , I remembered how to breathe . Air tore into my broken lungs , as the current took hold of my body.  For a moment I thought I was dreaming .

"Death feels like you're dreaming "

That's when I felt myself being pulled back , lifted and forced against natural gravity . Then it went black ..

I opened my eyes to him ,almost hovering, above me . 

Ghost grey eyes . 

Angry , hurting , and holding the answers to every question I have ever wanted to ask . 

That was the only time I saw him . 

I heard him in my head , and I felt him around me more than I ever had . 

He held my face in both of his hands , and it  felt like an eternity in slow motion. Then , he was gone leaving me to the agony of breathing , the shock setting in ..

The fight 

For the rest of my life .

-Poetic Angel

Reviews

[Sarah Saz]

Such beauty and strength in powerful and moving words.