.:My Feeble Heart:.

I am standing here with my heart in my hand, but yet you still walk away..

My Feeble Heart


I am standing here
With nothing but vulnerability
On my sleeve�

My heart is in my hand
As I watch you leave.

Is this what you want?
Do you want me to grieve?

I�ve given you my all
Should I beg on my knees?

Gravity pulls me down.
I start to fall,

Or was that you?
I hit the ground.

Confusion on my face
As my body starts to hurt.

You vanish without a trace
But you leave this ghost

Haunting me, taunting me�
Your memory follows me

I am left to wonder
If you can still hear my plea

So I yell louder into the dark
And the only answer is my echo.

I am standing here
With nothing but hatred
On my sleeve�

Author's Note

Your honest opinion would be greatly valued..thank you..

Reviews

[Beautifully Tragic xPoe..]

I think this is a good write, and I can definetly relate to handing my heart out to someone just for them to step all over me. However, there were a couple of lines that seemed to throw it off a bit, and the rhyme scheme was a bit off too. Mostly around the middle of the piece.

"Or was that you?
I hit the ground.

Confusion on my face
As my body starts to hurt.

You vanish without a trace
But you leave this ghost"

Other than that, this is a great write and I believe it as some potential. I suggest playing with the lines I mentioned as to not throw off the piece so much. Thanks for sharing this with me. Great Write.

[Dani California]

Honestly, I think this was perfect as is. A very emotional, heartfelt poem! The flow is smooth and the rhyme is good, yet I was more impressed by its content.

Awesome write! I felt it....

Peace, Dani

[Robert Luna]

I enjoyed this as it was as if I was witnessing a scene from life taking place. Catching it all live blow by blow. The flow was interesting and i could definitely feel a internal beat coming across so strongly. Almost like a heart beat. Steady and constant. I think you really wrote a wonderful piece here. Made for a very enjoyable read and a great vivid image come across.


Well Done!!!!!!!

[Beyond the Beat]

Well poetic Essence..I believe that this is a good slam verse, it has a shift in rhythm that accenuates the necessary and rhyme pattern make good moves as it progresses and would hold your attention if spoken out loud with a touch of audiom reverb in any environment, it's full of questioning answers!! have you a slam in your area , if so get on down and raise your voice, I believe you could do well in these environmets with poetry of this q & a styleee!

thanks for sharing, and best of in your poetic arena...
Al
Takin' Poetry beyond the beat!