I love you Mum

Ranting...

I love you Mum

I love you mum for your tight-lipped beauty and the way you flutter your lids in disapproval, fifty times per second. And those mind-blowing silences the art of stretching which you have perfected over a lifetime. A second short and we live and a second more and we die. For the Mount Everest chill. And for letting us feel atom bomb level heat without lighting a matchstick.

For sitting on judgment on your padded throne. In your time they did this and they did that. Girls kept their mouths and legs shut till their wedding day and thereafter opened them only at a tightly calibrated width. So it must be painful that a rotten apple rolled out of your womb? One that you’d happily donate to a bordello and spray your hands with your favorite sanitizer.

I love you mum for all the armageddons you set off in my life with an almost inaudible, infinitesimal word slipped here or there, obscure as a post-lunchtime fart. One which you could always later deny. “I never said that” your mantra. Your amnesia is a gift as my memory is a curse. And yet you remember the marks you scored in every subject as a toddler.

I love you mum for sitting there forever scandalized by something blasphemous the world did. Unchanging, abiding and enduring in your ironed cotton gowns, muttering, “You too Brutus” 

For peering at my fully made-up face and telling me I need a better nose. For putting on ten kilos in 3 months and telling me my middle is an inch bigger and I should diet. Yet I love you for being a pudding and still eating chocolate pudding every now and then.

I love you mum.  For being a mouse and a lion in the same breath. For going picnicking while sending me perpetually guilt-tripping. For  making me feel like I need colon irrigation and a lobotomy and a chemical menopause, all within 5 minutes of starting a conversation with you.  I love you mum for always looking like you just swallowed the Universe.  

Author's Note

To be heavily edited later....

Reviews

[The_Ancient_Rock]

Oh My... What are we doing?
Ahah I L... you! Forever and ever!

No homo thing! Whoever, whatever you may be.

So nice to meet people with more or less... the same view.

The first chapter is awesome... looking forward for the rest.

Damn... I wrote a couple or 3 or 4 poems...

You are writing a whole book!

Yay! Way to go!!!

I luv you my dear Mummy! ;) See... it's a tear drop in my eye...

:)

[Dhara_Ditzy Kat]

Oooh mama mia! My book began write in my crib. She's quite a muse me mom. Thank you thank you for liking the book.

[The_Ancient_Rock]

You are most welcome.

;)

[barleygirl]

Cafe writers tend to worship parents in writing, so it's refreshing to read about how dicey it can REALLY be with parental affection. Not just the cafe, but also on Facebook, everyone seems to have the best relationship imaginable with their entire family tree, so I feel like the odd duck out, being kin with such a passel of trash. I love how you combine both love & disdain in almost every sentence. Your sarcasm is popping & your details are very relatable. Everyone who knew me growing up loves my mom, so I don't dare write a shady word about her. Your snarky piece gives me a ton of ideas how to write in a loving way, but also revealing the harsh truth of my childhood! Love your writing & your attitude (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[Dhara_Ditzy Kat]

The equation we share now has improved so much over the years. We actually enjoy waging war and exchanging insults of sorts lol. But we are good friends. I'm lucky to have a funny and intelligent mum though quite egoistic and old world. Its great to have her! Thank you so much dear Margie for such love and encouragement here ❤

[barleygirl]

Your love & affection shines thru this delightful ditty!

[Dhara_Ditzy Kat]

Thanks dear Margie and that best relationship thing that people do on Facebook is so cringy indeed!

[.]

This is the kind of witty, satirical ranting that we need to read! Just plain, downright good humour on the page, well written and without any hysterical angst in sight! I can certainly relate to many things in this piece. Mum's share many of these quirks of character you have described. They, of course, do it all out of love, as they say! It's their first line of defence. This is a very enjoyable rant and makes for a fine start to your new "Pain in the a*s" catalogue. I am sure there will be many more pains to come! Witty as only our favourite Kat can do! :))

[Dhara_Ditzy Kat]

Thank you dear sweet Jamila. This kitty is all awash with joy and lots of smiles here. Mums are wonderful and I love mine 😹
I just find it sincerely funny how she remains honestly horrified in a new world that she doesn't get accustomed too. All things stem from that. It can get comical at times. A laugh a minute 🤣 ❤

[Paul Bell]

So, I'm thinking your mum maybe, though I could be completely wrong disapproved of you. Is your mum my mum. Anyway, mums are put on earth to be judgemental, or just mental. Did your mum give you that speech. Someday you'll be like me. I'm assuming your mum is no longer around to nag you into submission, though they do come through at times, usually when you're enjoying yourself with someone you shouldn't be enjoying yourself with. MUMS. Should come with a Government health warning.

[Dhara_Ditzy Kat]

*Rolling on floor*
I'll send my mum over if you're enjoying yourself with someone you shouldn't be enjoying yourself with. 😹😹😹
She's very much around Paul and has doctorate in being judgemental and making others mental lol. She's hidden her health warning too and waits in corners to pounce on unsuspecting ppl. 🤣
Thanks for the laughs today!

[Paul Bell]

Yeah, that's her. We must be cursed or just bad.