A pit visit

If only you could see through his eyes,

you would have known what pain is like.

miseries and sorrows never dreamt of,

hide behind the sunny disposition of his smiles.

laugh as much as you like , for 

you are nothing but a bunch of torturous freaks .

where the journey of your endurance ends,

the inception of his haunting  begins .

on the ground where this man now stands,

once had the footprints of a child .

head bowed with grief , till date they stand ,

defying every time of the year . And

the man ruffles the hair of the phantom child ,

as they read the epitaph, "here loving parents lie " .

Reviews

[JayG]

So an unknown someone has pain because of unknown cause, and it was really bad. Okay. but don't you think making the pain relevant to the reader, so they know the WHY and the depth of it, and the effect of it might give the READER a reason to care, as against just knowing that somewhere, a fictional character felt pain for an unknown time?

You have relevance and intent before you begin to read. In fact, you have it before you begin to write. But till you make it real to the reader it's just data.

Never lose sight of the fact that your goal is to make the reader feel, not just be informed.

Why? Because we read poetry to be made to feel, and before feeling must come caring.

[Tony Jordan]

Glad to see you back Jay. Thought you had abandoned us.

Love your reviews man.

[Pragati Chaudhary]

I now believe that Zombies are real! :D

lOVED THE WAY YOU PUT WORDS INTO PLACE. Thankyou Raghib!

[¿]

👏👏👏👏👏
You wrote well, you explained well, you convey the meanings more than best, you're a perfect writer more than you need to be, you do put feelings in your poems it's those section of sapiens who's unable to get connected, and yes you write free style so no need to follow and fit on those boxes which is created to lock you up as if writing is your mistake and you're guilty.
Note down one thing these disguised demons won't let you prosper until you root them up from your passion!!
Your poem isn't just a data it's your life where you breath.
Raaste mein kata aaye toh utha ke phek ne se accha hai wahin usse kuchal diya jayen ussi raaste pe!!!!
You have to reach the destination OK.

[wordman]

a touching write,i enjoyed it

[Raghib]

thanks for the review . glad you enjoyed it

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

( Pure Rhymes) Noir, eloquently written poem reaching into the depths of the soul. Phantasms suffering and haunted. Wrathful rant. “If only you could see through his eyes”- yes...

[Raghib]

merci . thank you for the review . glad you liked it .

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

You are very welcome!

[Najam Us Saher]

This is very heart touching. Deep thoughts are effectively written. Loved the little twist in the end.

[Raghib]

Thank you for the review

[Najam Us Saher]

You're welcome.

[Costa Siwale]

where the journey of your endurance ends,
the inception of his haunting  begins .
on the ground where this man now stands,
once had the footprints of a child .

incredible lines in this piece, and the ending, By God! my soul shifteth

[Raghib]

Thank you man . Means a lot