I am not crazy - I am hurt , disappointed

Being able to feel deeply -- No, dont try to gaslight me, I know what I am saying - Is a curse to me . No wonder they say A womans emotions are her worst enemy.

Okay! So now again he started making jokes... I feel lighter after that interaction " happy to be precise... I FEEL GOODDDDD... Now it looks like he wants to talk today... I know there will be ups and downs " I know it’s a game " it appears to be a good day…

I don’t know, he probably noticed I gave him back his disrespect tenfold.

As I write this, my heart is still healing... some days are better, some days I am totally in my head…

The abuse " yes, that’s what it is ABUSE, messes with my head.
Maybe I got myself into this by returning his glances... I am even blaming myself... just imagine??

How did I know he was an a*s? I didn’t. Just like everyone in the office that he speaks to " they think he is actually okay, that there's nothing wrong with him.
But I see everything. The fear and the dysregulation of emotions wrapped in someone that isn’t genuinely happy. All of it is one big showcase!

You know, sometimes I just wish he would stop with the inconsistencies... I could be his friend... I would like to think of myself as someone who respects people " but instead, the treatment can be so brutal " it’s like this person plays me like a chess piece just to syphon my energy.

So now, since I act unbothered, I have researched on platforms like ChatGPT, YouTube… I even forgot about YouTube.
I have gone a long way. I now remember in the earlier days, when I just arrived in Johannesburg " it was YouTube!

I remember diagnosing him as a dismissive avoidant because of one incident at work where a colleague showed me a chat, and his text appeared to be so mean " like he had blatant disregard for someone's thoughts.
It was not my business, but the colleague just thought she would show me the text for me to see.

So I framed that to get a picture of what he’s really like. The attraction was brand new. He was deliberately ignoring me, but now it has gotten worse! I can’t explain...

This person is treating me like a contagious disease.

What if this is in my head?
I have been thinking that I don’t want to be the one imagining things " I am sure that he likes me, or at least he did at first.

I now need to convince myself to detach... I don’t like feeling like this... hoping and waiting for what? I don’t know...

I wish things could go back to the time when I first looked at him and didn’t participate in reciprocating his intense glances at me... I found it so beautiful " the way he looked at me... I felt so desired and admired.

I didn’t know he would be so avoidant " if only I knew, I wouldn’t give him my attention, laugh at his jokes " all of the interactions made me want him " I STILL DO.

But it’s looking impossible as the time passes by " I don’t believe in rushing or doing too much.

Some part of me believes we will be friends or at least talk more often.
I hate the silence " there’s nothing I can do.

Reviews

[JayG]

• "Okay! So now again he started making jokes"

So an unknown "he" started making unknown kind and style of “jokes” in an unknown place, for unknown reasons. And someone unidentified reports that he’s doing it again?

Readers REQUIRE context as-they-read, because you cannot retroactively remove confusion.

You’re transcribing yourself talking about someone unknown, as if the reader can hear the emotion in your performance, and knows what you’re talking about.

But...without a clue of who you are, what motivated you to speak, or what you’re talking about, this is meaningless to the reader.

Bottom line: While I approve of your desire to write, there’s a lot more to it than simply “talking to the reader.” Have your computer read it to you, and you’ll hear the problem.

Unfortunately, the writing skills we learned in school are nonfiction, and cannot be made to work for anything but nonfiction.

So, if you are serious about wanting to write, grab a good book on the basics, like Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict.