Incense and Candle Light, Memories and Lies.

I keep telling myself this isn't the end but it is. It feels like the end. Did I have a good run?
No.
One near miss and full blown disaster after another. Fleeting moments of absolute bliss and joy so brief and fragile you dared not remember them for fear they would dissipate on your breath. Long drawn out years of mistakes and regret.
Did I choose wisely?
Did I not make the right choices?
Here in these empty hands is the proof. Worn and calloused with weariness and toil. Rough and battered but still strong. Not strong enough to hold on to the dream.

The American dream?

No.

Any dream.

My dream.

I always saw the dream, the goal, just over the horizon. The light of success shining in a flash of a sunset that only hinted at a mere chance of a new dawn. Always within reach but always just out of grasp, I've chased the phantom dream near and far. The race is finished. I have run as far as my worn and sickly self can go.
Now I wait.
For what or whom I wait I do not know.

But I am here, waiting.
Is there not a spark left? Can there be a flame left yet still to fuel this soul within?
I do not know.
I mark the days off the calendar as if I'm counting down. As if I am keeping track of time that's left instead of time that has been. Day and night and night and day. The passing of mental moments marked only by monotony and boredom.

The light from my screen shines pale and is reflected by cold cups of coffee. Ink stains and cup rings on papers wrinkled and forgotten scattered about. Do I write to remember or do I remember so I can write?
What needs to said that hasn't been said? I left no mark. 
My life forms images in my mind and my eyes project them onto the walls. They flicker in the smokey light.
Deep breaths in and out.
Incense and candle light, memories and lies.

They hold me closer than any lover ever did.

Reviews

[Vidya Bacchus]

Musings about life and how it was lived .We all wonder at times "did we do all that we wanted or did we sell out our dreams".Life is hard but it is ours and we need to live it in a way that the legacy we leave behind when we are gone lives on.Excellent pen here Ray :)

[Raymond Federle]

Thank you so much Vidya! :)

[FateDictates]

This is honest open and raw and I simply love it... thanks for sharing...curtsy bow

[Raymond Federle]

Ray, this is just too brilliant almost.... I love that about your writing, and the right, music attatched... it takes me away, with perfection, and raw feelings. It's full of life and choices, to make, or have made... Sad hues, in your ending, but strong, for somehow I can shake hands there with you.... for there is only one to listen too, to trust, and that one should be "you".

Moving, thank you.

- Elisa

[Raymond Federle]

Wow, Thank you so much Elisa! I'm always honored when you review! :)

My honest pleasure, this was a fantastic piece. :)

[StrixNebulosa]

desperation comes in the "wait", I believe... but desperation can bring great things if used properly, not to just grab onto anything but to grab onto what is to come... your write is an echo of sadness and tragic beauty. your mind is working quicker than you think to pen something like this... the questions you ask yourself throughout show the spark exists and will ignite when the conditions are correct...

[Glass Heart Inc]

This is really good. Especially the end.

[Raymond Federle]

Thanks for reviewing!!! :)

[Pryde Foltz]

Here in these empty hands is the proof. Worn and calloused with weariness and toil. Rough and battered but still strong. Not strong enough to hold on to the dream.
The American dream?

Oh wow … Raymond. You blew me away with your honesty and self-reflection, some elegant prose to boot.

[Raymond Federle]

Thanks Pryde. Yes...this really hit home for me.

[MsJewel]

Wow...Raymond..you have outdone yourself... the entire poem is fantastic - so much feeling and the last few lines truly gave me goosebumps. You just keep getting better and better. This is fabulous.

:) Julie

[Raymond Federle]

Thank you Jules! :)