The factory
Looking back I can decode it better. What appeared as little misunderstandings were actually life goals for my partner.
I actually discovered I was pregnant after a major fight, would I call it fight or disagreement? We were in our self contained room studio when he came back in the evening, we both sat in the then living room and a conversation started before I knew it he grew increasingly offended . My explanations seemed to infuriate him the more . Remember there was a knife on the little table probably from us cutting fruits or something of the sort. I looked at him and he looked so angry that I feared he would use the knife. We were both young . I was 27 and him early thirties. I had read many novel s some dark and some romantic . I wasn’t going to to ignore that it could escalate. So , out of fear I picked the knife, we both standing, him with his back facing the kitchen reason why I couldn’t take the knife to the kitchen. I held the knife at my back . But then to my greatest surprise he said I wanted to kill him. I still till date have not wrapped my mind around the incident and how he turned it agains me. He was violent. He beat me to pulp . I wasn’t going to leave and be called single mother first by my family and secondly by people. We mostly care about what other will label us more than our wellbeing. I was then few weeks pregnant. He unleashed himself . I feared a miscarriage but mostly feared he would ask for a breakup. I had made up my mind to prove that union was worth it. Not after I had written a long letter to my own father when I was moving in , telling my loving father that I don’t need his advice and that i am a mature person and nobody should try telling me my partner was not perfect. I stayed . I remember clearly we having a household a kid at the time , few spoken words, lots of gossiping when it came to other people but no clear conversation about ourselves and the direction our couple was leading to. We had a few friends or so I thought but there were actually his friends I had adopted as mine out of love. But just friends enough not to mingle with their wives for he believed and made me believe none of them would make a good friend for me. So in my perspective at the time I knew life was good. Then the time came when we had to love from the studio to a bigger place so I could have a second child. He as a devoted partner fetched a good apartment for us and we moved. No help around the house and I was in my 37 weeks. Then no talks of how I would cope but I had to figure it out . I tried to clean the wast I could but the baby came when the house was still messy. Looking back there was just life unfolding I had never again sat to be part of decision making. Then I went into labor and had to get to the hospital . I am sure I was just a vessel to expand his family with children for, I will be sitting by his side wriggling in pains. NO soft words, ok how about a simple pat on the shoulder? None of that he would drive while looking at me from time to time . I feel like crying typing these. Women must understand. If a man can get intimate with you without violence , it clearly means he can be soft he just chooses not to treat you that way. Of course I brought a bright beautiful baby at home. She was fair beautiful . She made me proud. I would look at her and wonder how I gave butch to such beauty. My second born and first daughter. I took her home I still thing I was just his baby making factory . I have never experienced love . How do you explain that there have been no time when you would see him with a women and he will defend his loyalty to you? I still remember how wt the height of labor pains for my third, he was there and picked offense I asked him to give me space. There in the labor room he asked several times why I spoke to him like that . I had after that 3 childbirth to endure aside postpartum his indifference to my presence because he was offended for what I said during labor. I was nothing harsh. I said:’ leave me alone’ and had to be punished for it for months. Not even the presence of my aunt, he pretended he had a great respect for, would soothe him. My third son came in the middle of this chaos, i still holding on to that passion i saw and felt from early days and my partner following his plans to the dot. my aunt sat there and saw a man going everyday with the only words he would give her being Good morning and good evening Mama. If she said any other thing he would pretend not to have heard. My aunt have always been around whenever i had a new baby. She was once asked why she would always come when they did'nt return her the favor of a mee visit, she responded her late sister had the children to her and she do her due diligence until her limbs wont carry her anymore. She is patient. resilient, i have never seen such a patient person. so one of those days he came back from work ate sat watching TV, then towards the bedtime went as a good son in-law to buy her a beer and came to give me to give her then retreated to the room. As soon a i gave her she push it away. I knew his attitude was repelling but i had rely on her patience far too much. He was wholeheartedly welcome in the family and he consciously rejected the love that was offer to him. Years down the line i understand he had never wanted to mingle with them Not because of any status because at the time he barely had enough , i would say he was an average income earner. but he treated them as if he came with civilization. To say the least he barely had a little living in a studio and a good job and that was it. So i still dont think io was a financial background issue. I would advocate for women being treated well because i was good to a man and it didnt serve a guide on how to value me. He was deliberate in not integrating my family but i was always amaze at how it saw the family sis sister had married into as his. So it was mostly a choice not to mingle more than ignorance.