Super Burt

A superhero story. Kinda.

The bank robber man in the bank is going to die soon by my own hand thought Burt. ‘Not by lasers’ he said out loud and a cop said What. The cop was annoying sounding like he had a hot-dog in his throat or something which wouldn’t be too unusual for a cop so Burt lasered him with his eyes. The lasers went right through the cop’s eyes too funny enough and came out the back of his head and Burt knew the cop wouldn’t be annoying at all from then on.

He wasn’t too surprised when other cops looked at him and started crying because he’d seen that before. Lots of people went blub blub all the time like little babies even when Burt was being a hero. But anyway he didn’t have time for crying cops because the bank robber man was grabbing a boy and everyone knows you can’t do that especially if you’re not their dad and you have a gun and also you’re in a bank which is for money and signing cheques and definitely not for grabbing kids.

The all around cops were making shout noises like as if a bear walked into a library and said “RAR LET ME EAT ALL THE BOOKS” or something and Burt thought about scolding them like a librarian to make them all go shush. But he was a hero so decided to calm them all down instead like a good superhero guy would.

‘It’s alright I will kill the bank robber man BY MY OWN HAND’ Burt shouted really loud. When he pointed his finger he knocked over a woman cop by accident and she might have gone dead maybe but probably not because she made a little sound and kept making it. When he shouted again some car windows smashed so the cops didn’t look too calm at all really. Never mind he thought they can thank me when the bank robber man is dead and maybe order ice cream or something and not rubbery dogs.

Burt blew his cheeks out like you do if you’re making wind noises with your mouth after pretending to eat too many beans. Then a loud noise of rushing air came out and frosted up the bank window like it was real frosted glass not just turned like that by Burt’s freeze breath which was super cool by the way. The lasered cop wasn’t too much good or even alive any more so Burt picked him up easily like he was a doll and tossed him at the frozen window mostly because it would look cool like in a movie. It was actually very cool because the window smashed into pieces when the dead cop flew through and the cop wouldn’t care anyway if he got all sliced up and bashed because he was dead and also he was annoying.

Ha-ha thought Burt when the bank robber man ducked a bit at first and then started bringing the gun up to the child. ‘Ha-ha’ Burt said out loud because he could move very fast. And the bank robber man didn’t know that made everything seem very slow to Burt like it did sometimes in the movies at a sad part. The bank robber man should probably be a bit smarter if he ever cared to think about it in the future.

Ha-ha but he won’t have a future for very long thought Burt and that made him laugh again inside his head. Burt kicked off his back foot towards the broken bank window. All the usual things outside the bank went very slow. The cop car lights were moving around like a watch but not the second hand the minute hand obviously because that would be too fast. The all around cops looked funny because they were in slow motion too especially their eyes when they blinked and it made them look very stupid indeed like tired goldfish. But Burt told himself not to laugh at them because he was a hero and he was on their side even if they annoyed him sometimes and also they might get him ice cream later.

In maybe one second but hard to tell because time was slow Burt ran in and grabbed the bank robber man by the neck. He didn’t squeeze hard right away because he had to tell him something first like a preacher man tells his church people. ‘If you are a bank robber man in my city’ said Burt ‘then you won’t be lasered quickly but will die by my own hand and that’s sad for you mister.’

But then Burt saw there was blood in the bank robber man’s eyes because Burt must have squeezed the blood there by accident and the man was pretty dead already. Oh well he thought at least he did die by my own hand even if it was earlier than I wanted and also I didn’t use lasers so I kept my promise kind of. The let go child was a boy and he was a lot bigger than Burt because Burt was young even though he was superstrong and had cool powers. Burt didn’t mind at all he was smaller and probably younger and definitely wouldn’t trade places because he owned cool superpowers and the boy didn’t. If the boy had powers he would have killed the bank robber man instead of waiting and crying like he did like a big baby.

Just then a grown woman probably his mother thought Burt ran over and grabbed the boy. Burt held her back trying very carefully not to maybe kill her or something by accident. ‘It’s polite to say thank you’ Burt said. He wasn’t very angry but he was a bit angry. ‘It’s annoying when people are rude after I saved everyone except the dead ones that is.’

The woman had watery stuff coming out of everywhere on her head actually except her ears but not blood because Burt hadn’t squeezed her. It was snot and spit and tears and Burt didn’t like that at all it was gross like when dogs throw up. But it was quite good when she managed to finally speak thought Burt. The woman said Thank you you’re a hero and looked at the floor with her head stuff dripping everywhere. UCK! thought Burt but then she said Thank you again a lot like she was a broken record. ‘No problem’ Burt said smiling big ‘it’s cool you said that.’

It was also pretty lucky she did but Burt didn’t tell her that because he was being nice.

*

In the big chief’s office Burt looked at the big chief. ‘What next chief?’ he asked. The old fat policeman’s eyes had like red cracks breaking the white bits like when you draw on paper with red crayon too hard. He rubbed them as Burt waited on what was next. Burt noticed he hadn’t gone near his coffee since Burt laughed at him for getting all shaky and spilling some last time. Burt joked around saying ‘He-he. Whoop-sie’ in a high voice that broke the glass of a picture on the desk but not on purpose honestly.

The cop waited ages before he said You know we all love you which Burt liked because heroes should be loved a lot and maybe get free stuff sometimes. But then he said We love you but we need to talk. Burt didn’t like that much because he didn’t really like talking and liked doing stuff instead like punching bad guys or flying fast or freezing things. Then the cop said something blabla about clattering damage and innocent people and taking care and stopping for a while and also property values or whatever. Then the chief said Everyone knows your heart is in the right place.

Two red lasers came out Burt’s eyes and burnt through the chief’s chest making a big hole. ‘WAZIOSHHH!’ Burt said to copy the laser sound even though they didn’t make any noise at all but did inside his head. Burt smiled because he thought of something really funny to say to the chief then. ‘You should worry about keeping your own heart in the right place’ and that was funny because there was a big hole in the chief where his heart should be and also some smoke coming out. The chief didn’t laugh not because it wasn’t funny. Because he was dead. Ha-ha thought Burt that joke was pretty good I should tell it to someone else later maybe the new chief.

The good thing was all that happened ages ago and there was a new chief now who never tried to talk to Burt except to tell him what was next. ‘What’s next chief?’ Burt asked. It turned out there were villains on a ship out at sea and the mistake they made was they thought Burt wouldn’t leave the city in a hurry. But he could run fast and fly even faster probably as fast as maybe a million cheetahs or whatever. So that was definitely a mistake they made and they were gonna be sorry.

The new chief was saying more things but Burt wasn’t listening too hard. He was thinking about how he should kill the villains. They weren’t being extra bad because they hadn’t been cheeky and come to his city so maybe he didn’t need to kill them by his own hand. But they were quite bad because they took over the boat and killed some people so other people on the boat would stop fighting them which is pretty rude.

In a while Burt said ‘Burn them’ quite loudly and the new chief stopped talking very suddenly and started twitching his eyes like a rabbit twitches its nose which made him look kinda stupid like he smelled something bad. But anyway Burt said ‘I’ll burn them. Thanks chief.’ Then he flew out the window in a pretty sweet way if he thought so himself like a superhero in the movies but better because it was real.

Burt didn’t feel cold even though he was in the sky going faster than a plane. He didn’t feel anything because nothing could hurt him which helps if you’re a superhero boy. One time he’d raced a plane but got bored because he beat it so easy and another time he’d stood on the wing to show the passengers how awesome he could be. But accidentally definitely not on purpose when he got tired of it and leapt off the wing it got a big crack in it and that bit broke off and then unfortunately the passengers who thought he was cool crashed and died in the ocean. Burt maybe would have saved them if he wasn’t on his way to fight bad guys just like he was doing now and also if they had maybe cheered louder.

Soon he saw the ship ahead with his zoom vision and thought about the best way to show up and scare the villains. He decided he would hover high in the air and shoot his lasers into the sea but not at the ship because it would sink and then he couldn’t burn the bad guys like he promised. Anyway because it was nighttime it would look very neat to have a hovering superhero shooting down lasers and boiling the water like a big pot of soup. ‘Ha-ha’ Burt laughed picturing the faces of the villains when they saw him being very cool in his tiger onesie.

Then he hovered and lasers came out his eyes and he heard loads of yelling from the ship. Burt’s zoom vision worked even when he was making lasers come out his eyes but if he looked at the ship with lasers it would chop up and Burt didn’t want that because it wasn’t the hero way. So he stopped the lasers and zoomed the ship and saw loads of men with guns run around and then one decided to point and shoot. The shooter man wasn’t very good because from all the bullets only two hit him and one bounced off his knee and one off his tooth and that tickled a bit. ‘You have to burn now’ Burt said and flew down faster than the bullets probably like whoosh.

The shooter man was big but that didn’t matter because Burt knocked the gun down and something in the shooter man’s arm broke but not enough to kill him of course which was good because Burt had promised to burn them. Burt could have knocked down the shooter man’s other arm he was fighting with but didn’t and just watched how angry the shooter man’s face was and how scared too like when a lady sees a spider in the bath.

He was shouting something so Burt put his hand against the villain’s chest and made flames shoot into him. ‘BOOSH!’ Burt said making the sound of the flames melting into the villain’s body even though that wasn’t the real sound but the one Burt was making inside his head like a video game. ‘It’s your own fault and now you got burned’ he said when the man was all in flames and dead on the deck and smelling like barbecue but not a nice kind.

There were loads of other villains like seven and mostly they weren’t shooting at Burt but holding their guns against the innocents. It’s a pity I said I’d burn them thought Burt instead of lasers because I could kill them all in like a second with lasers without even killing the innocent people. But I said I’d burn them so that’s what I’ll do he thought and smiled because his mind was strong as well and also he was sticking to his word like a good hero.

He turned invisible and heard loads more shouting but ignored it and used his superspeed to run over to a container and break the door off. There was nothing in the container and of course Burt knew that because of his seethrough vision which is very handy for fighting bad guys. He ran back at superspeed and grabbed a villain and threw him in the container but only hard enough to stun him not kill him yet. Then he did that again and again and it must have taken maybe a couple of seconds but hard to say until all the villains were in the container and a few of them were crying things like Please No and Momma which was annoying.

‘I have to burn you all now’ Burt said trying to ignore the man who was screaming dirty words at him. But it was hard to ignore because even if someone’s going to burn you you shouldn’t use words like that so Burt lasered him quick and the other villains went quiet like frightened ducks. ‘Yes you should all be quiet because you’re not in my city but you’re close to it and you did bad things.’ Then Burt put out his hand and very hot flames came out and the villains went all on fire and pretty soon they went very quiet. Because they were dead.

It was nice when he went back to the deck and people came over without him even asking and thanked him for being so cool even though they were shaking a lot. ‘It’s my job’ said Burt. Then a let go innocent man made a bad mistake because he put a fire extinguisher on the burnt villains and Burt hadn’t asked him to do that so he wasn’t exactly innocent any more. Burt didn’t kill him but threw him in the sea where it was all dark and cold. Being in the cold sea was much better than getting all burned up Burt thought so the man should probably thank him later if he didn’t drown. But he couldn’t do it now because he was actually pretty far away from the ship in the black sea ha-ha. ‘I have to go now’ Burt said loud when he hovered above the ship and looked down at the people he saved. ‘I need to find out what’s next and maybe eat dinner.’

He didn’t tell them dinner would be chocolate ice-cream because grown-ups were boring and ate things like salad and mushrooms and always tutted and stuff.

The End. For now.