Life as a River

My river is weeping gaudy tears upon the worn sand banks, rutted with the heartbreak from a thousand days of rivulets forming ruthlessly due to the backwash of a summer ill spent.

Tomorrow promises floods renewed and torrents of mindless splashing in the matte surface of mud-filled holes. No rainbows here, no golden beam, few rays of hope.

I run with my river, I shower in the rain, I say "Pour it on me." as one day flows into the next, and pelting is what I know, though what I long for is sprinkles and a slow current. 

I take my stand as the rushing foam plays at my ankles; I feel with my sole the sinking beach as it searches for its bed of rock. Well splashed from above and below, I become the meeting place. 

Do I rejoice?  Is this a washing of the soul, or a baptism of the flesh, Shall I hide in the deep or awaken from the snags of my dreams? Will moisture forever be the most I know?

I linger on this damp filled strand, screaming thoughts, but God has plans. Repentance bows and I turn as Truth appears through the droplets, and a drying takes place, I see a path laid for me.

Petulant clouds are lifted back into the heavens ready to roll over another heart. Light was born anew, as quick as a spear thrust into a willing rib, sacrifice was made and all is changed.

I release my river, now calm and burnished with gold, just yesterday the rain fell heavily and was swallowed whole, river is now well fed and with renewed strength, as it rushes on through today.

  

Author's Note

Still seeking resolution to style and substance...

Reviews

[jessicamarie19]

Hi Rhea,

I think your substance is spot-on. In terms of style - I like when poems don't look like poems, so I am a fan of how this looks on paper. However, in the case of this piece, I think you have so much good content and writing, you may be able to show it off a bit more, (pack some more punch!) if you break your stanzas somewhat differently. I am going to show you some ideas – just take them for what they are worth. No one can know your writing better than you. Sometimes, the objectivity of others is helpful and sometimes, well – it’s not! Lol.

My river is weeping gaudy tears upon the
[on] worn sand banks
rutted with the heartbreak from a thousand days
of rivulets forming ruthlessly [-]
due to the backwash of a summer ill spent.

This format emphasizes your alliteration between river/rutted/rivulets/ruthlessly and gives a different rhythm to your beautiful words. I removed the commas (line breaks can act as punctuation here) and suggested a hyphen (I have a hyphen obsession – I feel they are clean and modern) and suggested a few places where you could remove extraneous words. The imagery is so complex and lovely, the “helper” words may sometimes detract from that. In these cases, my opinion is that the reader will still pick up on all your meaning, but a few removed words gives you more poignancy. Ending the stanza with the (excellent) phrase “the backwash of a summer ill spent” is such a good image, I personally like the idea of just popping it right at the reader, without the “due to” introduction.

So anyways – it’s a lot of thoughts but in the end it is only minor change – really, just more of some ideas to think about. Feel free to take any of them, or discard them all!

Thanks for sharing!