Chains to keep me whole!

Feeling the pressures of life getting to me the demands of everyone on me, be the husband, be the father, be the good son, be the fun cousin, cut this one out of your life, bring that one in more trust this one, be wary of that one. All these demands or,

I pull the blanket of night a little tighter

Feeling the weight of it upon my shoulders

Allowing it’s cold to seep deep into me

 

Try as I may to break these chains that bind

The harder I struggle, the tighter they pull

Forcing out the warmth from deep with in me.

 

So many chains, so many souls they bind

Pulling me, twisting me, tearing me apart

They all want a piece of me, I can’t keep me whole!

 

Finally you show your face

Please! I beg of you, take me from this place!

Break these chains and lead me to my resting place!

 

Parade me past them, let them see

What their wanting & needing have left me

An empty shell, void of warmth and feeling.

 

 

Reviews

[Mike Espinosa]

This is another interesting poem. You come across as sincere and genuine in here.

In the first stanza, I see several changes that could take place. I think "a little" and "of it" are excessive and can be cut for conciseness. "Deep" should be changed to "Deeply" in this context. It feels a little nicer.

You need to make your punctuation uniform. Either all over the poem, or none. Not in some stanzas and not in others.

In the second stanza, what are the chains binding? You? It's just for clarity, either "these chains that bind me" or "these chains." The binding might be implied form the context. "Within" should be one word in here.

"They all want a piece of me, I can’t keep me whole!" could be broken into two lines: "They all want a piece of me. / I can’t keep me whole!" I think you're going for a stanza pattern of three lines, but I think this is a four-line stanza.

Overall, this is another good start. You have a good nugget in here. Good job.

[Rambling Prose]

This is a poignant piece of poetry! You're opening stanza is brilliant & lays the foundation quite nicely. I love the similes you use:

"I pull the blanket of night a little tighter - Feeling the weight of it upon my shoulders - Allowing it's cold to seep deep into me."

I love the progression to your final stanza:

"Parade me past them, let them see - What their wanting & needing have left me - An empty shell, void of warmth and feeling."

~crisp imagery - EXCELLENT write~

[Alicia Isabella Lane]

A very powerful write! The weight of those chains can truly be overwhelming indeed, and the struggle to free ourselves from them an even greater struggle, but I do believe there is a strength to be gained by that breakthough :). An awesome poem, I'm very impressed!!!

[DIANA WILBANKS]

Very good,I like this ,it's interesting!...God Bless...Diana

[Dragon Witch]

My love I understand, but life goes on with or without us. So ever onwards we must go knowing that we love and support one another always.
Love you always!

[dsouthernlily]

Absolutely Awesome.