Suicide Watch

Another poem taken from the same time of being 22 and not really understand my life and why I should go on living

Tick tick tick, followed by no boom,
Only a blast of silence that slowly fills the room.
Words fill my head, but fail to escape,
As a tear drops my eye, my mouth's agape.

A dead-eyed stare beyond nothing but nothingness,
With a frown so sad and unwanted air in my chest.
Sadness surrounds, enclosed in it's cold,
Neither wanting to continue or wanting to fold.

Wanting to be taken, to be released from life,
Sat on my own barely holding the knife.
It could all be over in the flick of my wrist,
With only feeling loneliness, how could I be missed? 

Contemplation in mind, what to do next,
If I wanted to do this, why haven't I yet? 
Aiming for pleasant dreams as I swallow my last scotch,
Is it too late to tell the time on my suicide watch? 

 

Author's Note

ignore any grammar problems please.

Reviews

[Ethan Leon]

Well, I think it's interesting.
I. I like the organized quality it has, it's very polished. Now there are a few things I would fix.

II. You said to ignore grammar problems, so I'll try to stick with wording on this this. I don't like the "Tick, Tick, Tick" part as much as I like what comes after. "Only a blast. . .", Now I would arrange this part differently say something to the effect of "There is only a blast.. . .", to make it seem as if you are concerned more concerned about the silence, that is if the character is that concerned with the lonely feeling that has come upon him/her.
I have a feeling that the silence does have something to do with the apparent self-loathing of your character, and thus it should be noted again.

III. Now, there is some slight confusion with the line(s) 9 -12, I am not sure why I have this idea of an incomplete setting but I do. I would suggest fixing that, because once you do I believe that it will allow you more freedom to possibly extend this piece by a stanza or so, give you some space to furthur develop what you've already written.

IV. Good job, and I'm glad to have reviewed it.