You

This was representative of those final months of a relationship, and the process of processing life- one day at a time.

You sound like all the others sometimes. Most of the time you sound unique. I was just thinking about that today. But no matter how new and exciting or old and familiar you sound; here we find ourselves once again. The air is tense and filled with emotions. Here; poised on the edge of the end. Like sitting on the far most ridge of a cliff. Looking at one another and silently asking the question; who will be the one with the courage jump first? Who will say what we both are contemplating.

Sometimes we're here because you wanted it. Most of the time it's because of what I don't want. Every time it feels like we're one step closer to the real thing. Like these are just travesties of the inevitable. Precursors. Gruesome dress rehearsals. And yet every time we think it might be real, we find reasons to consider it unfit for "opening night". We make excuses to put off what neither of us wants, but knows would be easiest.

Sitting there next to you I sometimes (like now) wonder "Why not?"; thinking of how much easier it would be to cut off all attachments.To amputate this relationship, these emotions. To burn the limbs right here, at this spot. To know that it would be a painful and difficult adjustment, but also to know that, ultimately, I would be saving the rest of myself. Forever preserving the good, and accepting quiet mutual failure; before I really got involved. 

Looking to you I have to wonder. What goes on in your mind? How do you see me? Or see this whole experience? How do you experience the world? I want so badly to understand you, to better be there for you. To give you everything you need without ever having to ask. To integrate myself into your life. Maybe someday to be part of you. But like an odd experiment in a lab for love, my research just leaves me frustrated and ultimately asking almost as many questions as when I started; with broken, inconsistent results to draw theories from. But theories are theories for a reason. They're unsure, unproven, and are a general explanation to breakdown the ambiguous into defined terms, so that humans can function without the chaos of the inexplicable. It's no different here. I guess and fill in the blanks tentatively with what I know; just to establish a day to day. A theoretic formula. An educated guess.

But then the small voice starts speaking. It speaks so softly that I am amazed it makes itself heard above the din and clanging of the confusion and emotions. It is the voice of the past. It is fragile; weak one might even say. But it has more strength than almost anything else at the strangest times; containing the power to make you remember. To make your eyes well up or to soften your heart. To make your soul ache or to remind you to rejoice. It whispers all those small happenings, graces, heartaches, and triumphs that you had forgotten so peacefully into your ear. It's almost loving. And the voice chose now to speak to me. To remind me of why I was here in the first place, before I was ready to forget.

I paused a moment to let it talk. To let it breathe memories sweetly into my ear and engulf our presence here. I think of the beginning: it was perfect. Everything I had ever wanted and more. I was on top of the world. I think of the middle: it was rough and broke my heart. It still does; but I learned so much and was proud to have loved so much for the first time in a long time. And then there's now; a time of ups and downs. Peace and war. Good and bad. An odd, twisted kind of balance. 

Looking at us as a whole I realized and remembered something that fights, separation, and differences had threatened to destroy. I love you. And no matter what has happened, is happening, or will happen; that remains true. Love is not science. It is not logical, theoretical, or quantifiable. It is not subject to verification or can be disproved. It can only be vindicated; and at this juncture I have found that. Being here in all of the unvoiced, unexplained, and unidentified emotions, memories, hopes and wants; I know why I am here. Why I cannot simply throw myself over the edge of this cliff; but merely sit here with you and let my legs dangle off the side. It is because I love you. And as difficult as this may be when theories fail, when I am unsure, and those days when I just want to tear my hair out due to your inequity or mine; they are worth it. They are worth it because you are worth it. We may not be perfect, but luckily we do not expect perfection from each other. 

That thought envelopes and soothes me sitting here. I'm (at least for the moment) at peace with a decision. I don't feel the need to jump off this ridge; to hurl myself hastily over the end. I smile to myself; happy to have reached a conclusion if only for a moment, when a thought occurs to me. I interlock my fingers with yours and bask in the quiet realization that you didn't jump either. Sometimes love, imperfect as it may be, is as simple as sitting on the edge and not giving up.

Author's Note

If anything seems off or something I miss, please let me know! I always encourage constructive criticism :]

Reviews

[Closedown]

Wow! Reads like fiction, yet has the weight of an essay! I'm at peace too. Welcome to the cafe!