Love is more than me

I've always been a little on the outside. I know everyone says this. Please, believe me when I say I wish I had something more original to offer as explanation. But these words fit the feeling like puzzle pieces that aren't quite right; but they'll work in concept. I've always been different. I have never encountered anyone who seems to think like I do. To view the world through the same lens. To live and love with the same criteria. Until now.

I've had lots of dating experiences and learned from them all. Some brief and seemingly insignificant. Some lasting and life changing. Some were a whirl wind combination of the two. But I've never really been in such a place of understanding as I am now- with this particular life experience- half formed and fully functioning. I've always had a hand outstretched in the lonely, accepting darkness- just waiting. Waiting for someone to make sense to me. Someone to make sense to. Someone to talk with about anything. To laugh at all the same things. To differ in opinion. To share goals with. To love, and be loved for nothing more than that. After a short fraction of a good person's life- it seemed I had found it.

We were best friends, and for years I was tormented with the "what ifs" and "if onlys". We laughed at all the same things, ate lunch together everyday, lent each other books and coats.  We hung out constantly, and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could talk to and go to him about anything. Over the years he gained the one thing that is rare for me dispense- my trust. Again, I implore you to believe me when I say that I want to trust. To believe the things people say when they say them. I know they mean them- but somehow it seems life and circumstance plot together to steal your energy, love, and innocence away as promises break- and their words turns to dust in your hand. Leaving you with nothing.

But he got it.  My inherent trust. The unshakable belief that he wasn't going anywhere. But I pined for more than friendship. I had never experienced this connection with someone my age. And while I had always been more comfortable hanging around and laughing with the guys, this deep cross-gender connection was a new plane of existence and relationships for me. And he was all I thought about. Night after night, day after day- I sleeplessly, restlessly, painstakingly existed while imagining what a life would be like together.

Then came my chance at the end of our freshman year at college. We had been best friends for almost 5 years and had liked each other on and off with an epic saga to back it up. I was thrilled at the chance to finally be with the only person that knew me so well- and who loved me for exactly what he saw. 

Time has a funny way of circling back on a person. After having waited for so long- and changed so much- a relationship with him wasn't what I imagined. And it was all the little things. He was nervous when silence settled between us- a happening which I had previously remarked upon as " a rarity, as I normally can't take the thoughts that fill up the silence" . And it made me feel odd that he felt odd- while I was abnormally at peace with the same thing. As I tried to describe my inner thoughts to him he'd listen- he was always a fantastic listener- but looked at me with a puzzled expression when I had finished. When I'd say " You know how..." and finish the sentence with a random, usually esoteric thought. And always, I'd get that look. Because no- he didn't know. And as a relationship with him brought me up close and personal to these realizations`; I felt my fingertips brush his in the darkness, as my outstretched offering- while well received- didn't quite seem to connect as I'd always dreamed it would.

Stories like this make me continually thankful for the wonderful man in my life now- Ryan. My best friend and I split up after only a month of dating- saying that we just didn't work like we thought we would. We will always love and adore each other for exactly who we are. But after that I met Ryan, and he is everything I never thought really existed in people anymore.

 He is someone I've shared my innermost thoughts with. Someone who knows what I mean when I describe the ramblings of my wayward mind. Someone who laughs with me, quotes the same things, lets me be absolutely ridiculous and deathly serious. Someone to care for and be caring. He is that light in the darkness. That connection. That realization that I'm not alone. All for being exactly who I am. And he understands. For the first time in my life- I'm starting to feel like I'm not alone. Because we know each other- love each other- exactly as is.