Fractured poem

Silhouettes danse,
into a revolving door.
where patrons dine with empty pockets,
hearts worn loose
The last of autumn's leaf
on a sleeve
of scribbled notes,
that fall and scatter,
as they take a seat.
there is always an empty seat
still waiting for something warm

a gate keeps
a long, opinionated shadow

barring laughter
from a playful sun

he shakes his fist
at the thought of a small light
as if it were a threat
hurriedly shuts the blinds
so not even a thread of gold,
slips through the windowpane

as if youth were a mirror
he refuses to look into,

The dainty flowers rest,
a polite
decoration in a room
stuffed with bloat and smoke
fawning over every artifice rose,
the details are insignificant,
when it comes to a rose,
but the bright, playful sun,
is scrutinized
beneath a glaring shadow,
that even the moon,
turns away,
declines an invitation to eclipse

something splinters between words
they fall into the gravel of voices
of whitenoise.

can we go back
to the last time we spoke?
we barely spoke anyway,
too busy laughing
about life bêtise!

the world spins differently now
your laughter a comma
in my sentences.

a pause,
in thoughts of you.
In paragraphs
my pen fractures
in the spaces you once filled

yet I write in shards
in the spaces you left behind
honoring the echo of you
that refuses to die

but now I’m here
rewriting the ending
like a movie
that never got its final scene

and in this version
I say it plainly:
your voice mattered to me

Author's Note

I feel like I need to put a disclaimer on all my future writes. All my writings are just my personal thoughts and reflections about my own lived experiences and musings. I have a 17 yo son, who hates light lol. So to clarify, that stanza is about my son.

Reviews

[Chris Shaw]

Breakups can be so painful. The poem on reading felt like shards of broken to me. Parts of what once was a whole. I sense a great deal of regret in these lines.

can we go back
to the time we last spoke

I sense a need for reconciliation, your final line tells me so

your voice mattered to me

When not even a thread of gold streams through the window glass, there is far too much shade. Sad.

Good morning Roma from the UK.

Chris

[RomaJ]

It is evening for me but I wish you a beautiful morning, Chris. And you have captured the artery of the poem, that is the vein and the core of it. Everything else was just fractured thoughts. Of course, a woman will see through all this. It is someone who is dearly missed. I don't think I can save him or protect him. There is really nothing I can do. but I just hoping that sending him good thoughts from my heart, still reaches him, wherever he is and he knows his voice mattered. Thank you

[Chris Shaw]

Sadly there are some who are like fragile flowers. Beautiful in every way, but so, so fragile. I have my Robbie.

[RomaJ]

Yes. Some poets are fragile, sensitive, especially to words. Words can really touch a soul and affect someone more than we realize. Its always good to be kind. I just feel I'm grieving for someone though we've never met. This café is a revolving door.. writers danse through, the ones that were driven away because of an unkind word or criticism, probably got hurt and became discouraged to continue sharing their words but I just want them to know. Their voice mattered, to someone, to me. And they were seen and heard and their presence is missed.

[ShadesofV]

This is master class Roma.J. well played. Deeply layered indeed. I like the whole "gate keeps" You are a wordsmith and weild words well!. The "gate keeper shakes his fist"I love it! I see an image of an old fool shaking his fist at kids playing, telling em "to git off my yard!" Comparing that to how a teenager would act! Funny! You're good with words, it must help that you're a teacher.

Also, "the polite flowers in a room stuffed with bloat and smoke" I nearly spit my tea lol... I like how you switch it up with " can we go back to the last time we spoke? " beautiful. Fractured Poem is well done

Most can only write short metaphors but this is long and very layered. Impressive

[redd Brick Keshner]

It really is about what matters and the voices that give wings to what lay deep within each of us. Enjoyed muchly, you are a mother unlike so many others. Glad to have chanced upon this deeply moving poem.

[andrew mitchell]

Lovely writing Roma, reflections on moments passed are always somewhat fractured which you captured well being the narrator and the imagery is spot on.

[red93]

Very interesting how you set out the premise of this Piece in the Title, and then the disparate and competing elements play out with suitable disjunction in the Piece's progression. I found the results enlightening and holistic. Exceptional ✨️✨️✨️✨️✨️

[RomaJ]

Red, thank you for understanding my poem. I admit my thoughts were all over the place, it felt kind of messy and fractured, but I didn't feeling like revising it. and I was just missing someone. On top of all the distractions going on in my real life, the thoughts in this poem are just fractured, so I titled it that way. Thank you for reading. I always appreciate you

[James J FitzGerald]

Great:
the world spins differently now
your laughter a comma
in my sentences.

Great:
yet I write in shards
in the spaces you left behind

I love evocative imagery. super clever writing.

[RomaJ]

James. Thank you so much. I felt my thoughts were so fractured when I wrote this but I felt writing it, helped me sort through my thoughts and feelings too. Thank you for your kind words and understanding of this piece

[jacob erin-cilberto]

"as if youth were a mirror/ he refuses to look into"--
That is quite deep...often someone young would not even take the time to look into themselves...and even to ponder doing that shows a certain maturity and willingness to learn.
j.

[RomaJ]

that is because it is not the reflections of "someone young" it is more of someone wiser, That line speaks more to the one with years, like the moon, herself..we were all young once, when did any of us, "take the time to look into themselves" while we are young.. no, it's not about the youth. The youth will be youth, it is the elder who should remember, we were all young once, and look into the mirror with that truth in mind.

In this poem, it is an elder brother, who scolds a little sibling for behaving like a child, he once was. But I admit, I was trying to weave in too many thoughts and feelings about things that were just going through my mind. I didn't revise or filter it and just posted as is.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

It is good as is...and allows for different interpretation which makes it universal and accessible to each reader.

[John the Baptist]

This offering is aptly titled in that it seems to come in two totally different parts, the second being a "fracture" of the first, the memory of a broken relationship having interrupted the first, which is something of a nature meditation. Before the poem's end we understand that writing is a way filling the empty space that resulted from the breakup. The last verse tells us the speaker has not yet gotten over it.
PS: Do a spell check on the second word of line one.

[RomaJ]

John, thank you for your thoughts. I really appreciate it. It is actually one whole poem, not meant to be in two parts. The thoughts are simply fractured, moving between the memory of when they met and when they last spoke, and the words that were meant to be said. The spelling in line one is intentional... thank you for noticing.

[Yasmin]

"a gate keeps" this indeed is a deeply layered poem. Your Author's Note is unnecessary. If readers are emotionally affected by words that people need to start writing disclaimers...then they are a snowflake. They will just melt or have a meltdown either way, even without any disclaimers. people need to get their ego and pride in check. Keep writing and ignore the drama from internet strangers

"
he shakes his fist
at the thought of a small light
as if it were a threat
hurriedly shuts the blinds
so not even a thread of gold,
slips through the windowpane

as if youth were a mirror
he refuses to look into,"

If this stanza is inspired by a teenager..well, an aged person has more in common with teenagers because they act like one. "shaking their fist at a light, they see as threat"

Experience and titles don’t guarantee integrity. Some may have decades of teaching but decades of experience don’t automatically make someone wise, empathetic, or capable of handling conflict respectfully. In fact, long tenure can cement bad habits: ego, control, fear of admitting mistakes."
Ignore these types.

I enjoyed reading this piece

[RomaJ]

I agree about your "snowflakes " comment. And l appreciate your thorough reading of the first part of this fractured Poem. I appreciate how this poem resonates with you and thank you for sharing your thoughts

[Soren]

Metaphor is a powerful communication tool. Without confronting directly defenses it communicates allowing the person to come to their own conclusion. This poem is not only full of them but built of them. Another great tool is being vague for the mind searches to find a clear answer or conclusion to things and being vague keeps the mind working and asking for more. This poem has a lot of it. Each line a new thought fragment incompletion also leaves the mind working to fill in pieces and make a whole gestalt. In this poem you have used all these tools to create a poem that leaves the mind searching and the reader rereading and thus the message sinks in.

[RomaJ]

Soren, I really appreciate your review. I've been getting so many bad criticism in my inbox. And even just got a mail today, by someone telling me how I should write so I can be perceived better by other writers here. I almost wanted to close my account. I'm too old and I should not be caring. I prefer my poems to be vague and have the reader just interpret for themselves but with all the criticism in my inbox, I almost feel like I have to write disclaimers on my poems now. Sigh. Your thoughts are very much appreciated. Thank you, my friend

[Soren]

Roma in my old age I have found middle ground. I keep an open ear for valid criticism because I am far from perfect and have a long way to grow, but I also know who I am and one size does not fit all. I am who I am and am not going to give that up because it goes against someone else's grain. If they have something to say to make me a better me then I'll listen if not it is just the wind blowing. Stay who you are Roma I like your writing and it would be a shame to change it.