Poem #5

 

recognition                       was a moth                fluttering

by grey shutters,                         stunned       by the light

                          but drawn to it        like

 

a woman                      beadutiful                    as she was ugly

trying                      to talk to her son

crashing

        against the sides of him

plastered

 

                 with gesture.

Reviews

[Father Mojo]

quite frankly, i don't really know what to make of it, but i have to admit that i like it. it's definitely not a poem i can read once and move on; i find that i have to re-read it, and will probably have to revisit it at a later time. i do think that "like a woman" has to be grouped together on a line. your other metaphors and similies are placed together "recognition was a moth"; "beautiful as she was ugly." i get that you are spacing the moth off from the woman--perhaps "but drawn to it like a woman" could be it's own stanza, serving as a hinge to the two larger stanzas. but then again, i hate it when people try to rewrite my stuff, so i shouldn't try to rewrite other peoples' stuff.

oh and i agree with emily, the spacing works and needs to stay regardless of what other editing dicisions you make.

[Emily B]

walking through some of my old favorites . . . it's still beautiful

[John Parker]

I like the spacing in the write......sort of hits home since my nickname for years has been The Moth......well written piece work work.....

[Emily B]

I think the spacing has to stay. How else would you represent the frenetic hoverings of that moth-like recognition.

There may be a typo in beautiful. This is going straight into my favorites. I love this.

[Liam]

I like the rhythm of the words but the weird spaces are a tad bit annoying to the eye. find another way to convey the same word spacing.