A girl

Drum beats sound in the distance
as people mourn their loss.
A girl in the coffin
she was ever so young.
Soft murmurers are heard
moaning about their problems.
Little girl with your rose red lips
and snow white cheek.
Tears ride down faces
as they think, "I could be next".
She has no smile
and her arms are marked.
A lover steps up and finally
breaks their trance.
Her eyes are wide
as if waiting for life.
The crowd looks
at this girl and finally see.
A girl in the coffin
she was ever so young.
And they finally see
all the marks.
The crowd can see
she did this to flee.
It wasn't an accident
but a choice. 
This little girl
choose to die.

Author's Note

please tell me what you think

Reviews

[Rosalind Gale]

You may feel that you wish to edit this poem, to listen to others, to 'make sense' of the questions asked. Whatever you do it will not change the fact that you are a poet - and poetry need not be crammed with answers, with linear thought, nor with logic - just crammed with you, one so young, with all ahead of you.

Rosa
-xxx-

[Sarah W. French]

[hug] thank you so much.

[Pratik]

i loved the start... It speaks of mourning and loss and your words efficiently portray the atmosphere.. but the end is a bit confusing... may be you were trying to say that death not only results in sorrow but also fear for being met with similar consequences... nevertheless nice effort..

[Eddie Gao]

Great idea, however the poem is quite puzzling towards the end. Why does the crowd look up? The reader is made to think that this girl is in a coffin, not above them. Also, the poem's ending is unclear - why do they move towards the child? What exactly is special about this particular girl? Details of the girl and the unfortunate accident that sends her to the grave are scarce, therefore the reader is inclined to lose interest. I recommend rewriting this poem, as your original idea is brilliant. Remember, always try to convey a message through poetry and make sure it is made clear.

[Sarah W. French]

thank you very much for the review. I'm to tired but I think I will edit the poem tomorrow. looking back i can see where you are coming from.

[Eddie Gao]

Oh and check the spelling for 'morn' in the second line. :)

[Sarah W. French]

I just edited this...would you mind telling me what you think

[Eddie Gao]

This is a lot better! More straightforward and poetic. I like it!

[Sarah W. French]

thank you