Loosing My Memory ..

Woke up this morning after a rough , dark and cold night ..

Woke up with burning eyes .. burning from the tears I cried for you last night ..

I haven’t cried in a long time , my tears were so numb they even stopped working ..

Until yesterday .. I believe they cried so much until my eyes were out of tears ..

My heart was aching .. my mind was aching .. my mind was aching .. my legs .. my hands .. everything ..

how can something end before it even started ??

How?? Please someone explain to me  .. cause I can no longer think or feel anything ..

It all started in a café .. and ended in that same café ..

My heart is lost ..and a bloody big mess inside ..

I didn't want this to happen .. It all just happened so quick ..

Our hearts will break , both of our hearts will cry .. but after all this is life .. hitting us with another lesson ..  "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

But we were both killed , and destroyed .. by the hour of separation ..

I don't know what will happen when I see you for the last time ..

I am leaving for a long time .. yes , I won't come back ..

But I don't know how I will leave and look back at you .. how will I be able to do that ?

I can't bear to even think of hurting you .. but in the end you will be hurt ..

Your heart will break .. and that will leave my heart crying ..

I am scared .. lost .. can't breathe ..

I woke up this morning with so much pain in my heart …

Pain that cannot be described in words ..

Pain that is preventing me from breathing ..

No, I am not okay .. no my heart isn't okay .. yes , I felt something for you ..

I felt something so strong that my eyes were killing me from crying ..

If I could just hold you for the last time ..

This is torture .. this isn't fair !! I want to be with you ! I want to hold you  

I don't want to walk through that road again ! I do not want to be lonely again !

Please someone hear me ..

I am crying my heart out ..

But no one can hear me ..

I sat there .. right in front of you , without being able to say a word …

As if my heart was stabbed a million times in the middle ..

As if it was connected to wires that kept it alive and someone so cruel came and just cruelly took out these wires..

How could they do that ?! how could they be so damn cruel !?

Why wouldn't they want us to be together ?!?

Why !?!?!?!?

I saw you for the last time , your eyes were so red , it looked like you were crying ..

I swear I wanted to put my hands on your eyes , kiss them , and kiss your pain away ..

But I am in so much pain I cannot move a muscle .. I need a doctor for a heart replacement ..

My heart has been crying over you  .. this isn't easy .. this is the hardest thing I have ever done ..

We sat down , with both tears in our eyes ..

We didn't and couldn't comprehend the fact that we are both leaving in separate ways ..

How it all happened so fast .. that it was the biggest shock to our hearts ..

As if someone got a knife stabbed it in the middle of our hearts ..and left us bleeding ..

I put my sunglasses on .. to cover the tears that were filling my eyes ..

I wanted to hold you so tight .. but I was paralyzed I couldn't move any muscle in my body ..

Your eyes were filled with tears , you couldn't hide it .. I love you .. you said ..

I love you .. and now you are going away ..

I looked you in the eyes .. and couldn't say a word.. my mouth was lost ..speechless ..

I didn't know what to say .. but all I knew that this was the worst day of my life ..

It was time to leave .. got my car keys , you got yours .. we stood in front of each other ..

Your eyes were filled with tears , you were going to cry right in front of me .. as if you wanted to stop me from leaving ..

You looked at me and said .. Goodbye ..

I looked back with tears filling my eyes .. said it with a very low tone .. G o o d b y e ..

Where is the good in goodbye ?!?!

I ran so fast to my car .. and cried so much .. took out all those tears that I was hiding .. and cried and cried and cried ..

Turned on my car and drove home ..

Got into my house , everything was dark , cold  and I felt like my heart was bleeding right in front of me , and I couldn't do a damn thing !! couldn't stop the bleeding ..

I sat on the couch , turned on that song you gave me and started to cry ..

I will miss you so much ..

Your face ..

Your smile .. my gosh ..how will I ever forget that smile ?!

I cried so much that my eyes were so drained , dried and out of tears ..

I just met you that day and how it was the happiest day of my life ..

And now I have to let you go ..

I can't go to that café again .. cause if I do.. all I will remember is you ..

I can't go to that road again , or that area again .. I can't go to any place that reminds me of you ..

I just can't ..

Letting you go is the probably one of the hardest thing I have ever done in my life ..

My heart is the one that took all the pain ..

It was so numb , and empty ..

And after your it felt every single beautiful feeling ..

It was colored with your name and smile ..

It was beating with your presence ..

And pumping with your love ..

And now ..

Shattered into pieces .. Dark .. black .. cold .. filled with fear ..

I just want to close my eyes , and wake up and realize that all this was a dream ..

I wish this was all untrue ..

You asked me to pray for you ..

I asked , pray for what ?

You answered , for me to move on , not to forget you , cause I never will ..

But pray for me to move on ..

I answered .. okay ..

With tears filling my eyes and with my heart crying your name ..

I can't run away .. and go to a different place ..

I have to stay here , repair myself , repair my heart , and try to move on ..

So I can be able to feel again ..

It will take a while for my heart to feel again ..

To take someone new in ..

I wanted to forget .. I wanted to lose my memory ..

Erase the past few painful days ..

My heart was begging me .. it couldn't tolerate the pain ..

It was losing so much blood ..

Please , please make me forget .. I was so scared .. I didn't know what to do ..

Switch me off again .. switch off all the emotions inside .. I don't want to feel a thing ..

I can no longer feel anything after him .. my heart was crying ..

And I was shivering from the pain ..

Please ..

Okay .. I will switch it off.. I will make you forget .. not feel again .. okay !

Are you sure you want this ? I asked my heart ..

Yes!! Please !! I can no longer breathe ..

I counted to 10 .. and waited ..

 

Done ..

Emotions were shut off ..

And my heart stays in silent ..

Not saying a word ..     

Reviews

[Lydia Shutter]

When a relationship ends, it is never easy. The honest emotion you have expressed throughout this write cuts like a knife. I hope writing it was a catharsis for you. Lydi**

[Sasha]

Honestly, It was hard writing it , but I felt relieved after finishing it ! Thanks Lydi !

[Girl Friday (Sarah W.)]

These things happen, my friend...love comes in like a lion, and when she goes out, she is a hurricane threatening to level our entire world. There is definitely pain in this piece; raw, gritty, real emotional awareness that is much like a heart pouring itself into a cup, overflowing. We can attempt to shut down our emotions, but it never really works; we are not meant to be beings cold and bereft. I ache for you in this one. Pen on!

[Sasha]

I totally agree with you .. ! I guess it just takes time for our hearts to heal ..
Thank you so much ! :)

[Sami Khalil]

"Erase the past few painful days ..


My heart was begging me .. it couldn't tolerate the pain ..


It was losing so much blood ..


Please , please make me forget .. I was so scared .. I didn't know what to do ..


Switch me off again .. switch off all the emotions inside .. I don't want to feel a thing ..


I can no longer feel anything after him .. my heart was crying ..


And I was shivering from the pain .. "

A splendid read and write...Pen on...:)

[Sasha]

Thanks Sami ! :)

[Sami Khalil]

You are welcome...:)

[Robbie~xoxo~]

P.S. love the song........

[Sasha]

It kills me every time I hear it .. its one hell of a song !

[Robbie~xoxo~]

This pain is best released and forgotten... sometimes letting go is all you can do...
Your expression of heartbreak is raw, and bleeds angry red...

Well done!...Keep writing, Sasha.~xoxo~

[Sasha]

Thanks Robbie ! Appreciate your feedback ! :) Glad you liked it !

[Robbie~xoxo~]

My pleasure. ~xoxo~:)