The World's Worst Genie

Imagine finding a magic lamp, only to discover that the genie inside was horrendously incompetent.

"You are the worst genie ever!"

"What?  Why?

"I said dessert.  Dessert.  Not desert," I couldn't believe it.  There was I hankering for something sweet and decadent and instead I was in a sweltering desert.  "Is there a manager I can speak to?  Can I take that wish back?"  I could see the hurt on his blue face.

"You could always make another wish..."

"And trust you to get it right?  No chance.  If I'd ask you for a million pounds that will probably be what I end up weighing," the sarcasm in my voice stung the genie so much that he went back inside of his lamp.  "Thank god for that," I muttered as I tried to get my bearings.  All I could see was sand and sunshine.  It was if I had ended up on the worst package holiday ever.

It felt like days but it probably had only been a few hours.  I had tried to pick a direction and stick to it but it seemed impossible given that everything looked the same.  My throat was drier than a camel's sense of humour.  I could feel the sunburn taking effect.  There was only one thing I could do it if I didn't want to die on a sand dune.  I rubbed the lamp three times and nothing happened.

"Genie, I've summoned you," I said aloud, feeling foolish.  "Genie!"

"There's no genie here," said a voice from inside the lamp, "I've retired."

"I'm sorry about being short-tempered with you.  Come out.  I'm dying out here."

"There was a puff of smoke and suddenly I was face-to-face with my incompetent genie.  Looking back I wish I would have asked him why he was a blue.  Maybe he was going to a fancy dress party as a smurf.  He hovered in the air in front of me, his arms folded and his brow as creased as an origami hippopotamus.

"I am the genie of the lamp, I grant..."

"Yes, yes, we've done that already," I interrupted.  I could feel the blisters on my skin.

"Fine," said the Genie, "What do you want then?"

"I want to go home."

"But I thought I was the worst genie ever."  He had me there.  As angry as I had been, I felt as if my entire body was melting.

"I'm sorry for saying that, I didn't mean it."  He smiled at me, his mouth the size of half a watermelon.

"Ok then.  Now what was it you wanted?"

"I want to go home," I replied, trying to hide the tired frustration in my voice.

"Say it properly," said the Genie, clearly enjoying teasing me in my sunburned state.

"I wish was at home," I replied defiantly.

I should have know really.  A genie that had already made quite a serious blunder.  I really should have known.

"Oh for goodness sake!"  I shouted when I realised that I had a long, grey beard.  There was a pond in front of me.  I looked at my reflection and saw a tiny man looking back at me, with a pointy red hat.  "Genie," I cried, "I said I wish I was at home, not I wish I was a gnome!"

Reviews

[Fabian G. Franklin]

(laughing) This reminded me of a Christmas card I got one year from a friend that showed Santa Clause and his sled crashed into an outhouse with crap everywhere, the caption read, "D****t, Rudolph, I said SMITH house!" The read was enjoyable and funny. Those misheard directions can have catastrophic consequences.

[Scott Andrews]

Thank you Fabian. I was channeling my inner Terry Pratchett as I do have a love of wordplay. In the UK it used to be a hugely cultural element of our comedy. If you ever want a laugh look on youtube for the Two Ronnie's "Four Candles" sketch. I think it is the most brilliant summary of what British comedy once was before it disappeared up its own bottom.

[Fabian G. Franklin]

I used to love watching Benny Hill on BBC and "Are You Being Served". Those were two of my favorites. The tongue in cheek burlesque was hilarious and the obvious double entendre. I never was much of a Monty Python fan though. They seemed to be stuck on anti-religious themes and Christian mockery and that was boring to me. I understand it was supposed to be "shocking" but more often than not it seemed just plain stupid to me.

[Scott Andrews]

The BBC once was a hallmark of greatness. The Two Ronnie's, Fawlty Towers, Only Fools and Horses, The Office. Unfortunately it is has fallen far beyond the times and nowadays political correctness has ruined broadcast comedy.

With Monty Python, I think the films were more religious then there tv sketches. The Dead Parrot being the most famous, but if you look a little deeper you have things like Philosophy Football, Self Defence against Fruit and Vegetables, and the Dirty Hungarian Phrasebook which really was an explosion of absurdism and to some degree a more aggressive form of satire. They were a necessity in what was a kind of social reformation that changed the way Brits looked at themselves.

[Fabian G. Franklin]

I introduced my wife to "Are You Being Served" and she watched every episode in a marathon! Benny's slapstick version of burlesque was always a hoot.