Cancer is a Scary Word

This is only a bit of my experience in the past year.

Cancer can be an extremely frightening word to hear when it comes from your doctor’s mouth. The words seem to make you feel as though a million knives are stabbing you over and over but ever so slowly. They tell you it was caught early so everything should be ok but you still need to have surgery. Thyroid Cancer was my diagnosis; I can admit that I was beyond scared and mad too. You see, I have had to switch endocrinologist because I felt the doctor wasn't doing her job.

 Now maybe I was being judge mental because she had done a biopsy and everything finding nothing wrong. It was as though they stopped caring after that day and I grew impatient as there had to be something wrong. Even though it took a while to find out what was happening in my body it was that sense of relief for finally having some sort of diagnosis. I don't know how my mom felt that day or anyone else for that matter but when I looked in her eyes I could see that she was terrified. I chose to be strong on that day and to never give up on my life.

Surgeries came and went; the doctors at MD Anderson became relieved that all my tests were coming back great. "We will see you in six months for a checkup and I feel after that you will not have to come back for a year." The surgeon even told me "I removed everything there was on the left side so nothing should grow back there ever again." I felt so wonderful knowing all of this and I was planning to get my life back in order again.

About four months pass when I notice something, my neck was swollen and I could feel a knot on my left side. (The side they said was taken care of) My regular doctor just made faces and even said "what the hell is that?" Normally people would freak if their doctor says that but it made me feel like she cared and wouldn't lie that it might be certain things. She informed that I needed to go back to Houston as quickly as possible to get checked out. So I called and called and called till I was able to get an appointment.

I figured the surgeon would know what to think of it... Boy was I wrong. When he walked in the first thing he asked was if I had to have a biopsy well... Someone had canceled that morning appointment and he was furious. No more than walked in the door and shook my hand when he was out the door again. It took a while for him to call and figure out what happened but he told them how worried my regular doctor had made me and it needed to get done like "yesterday". That was all straightened out before he came back in to actually examine me and all. 

I've never actually seen a doctor look so confused when talking to me. I tried not to panic but keep an open mind. "Well I'm hopeful that it's a gland that's fallen after the surgery which won't cause any problems... (His physician’s assistant walks in to the room) Feel the left side of her neck (she feels both sides to compare) Do you feel how hard that is? Yes." You would think I wasn't even in the room or that my mom was sitting in a chair listening too. They decided to run tests and kept believing it was that gland, the ultrasound showed a little abnormality but that could be because of the surgery so no biopsy today. I still had to do a CT Scan with Contrast but that went fine. I was done with all my testing so back to Austin we headed.

 About a week later I receive a phone call stating that the doctor had ordered  for me to get a biopsy done using the CT Machine. "Umm... Ok I didn't know I was going to have to come back and get that done." I went ahead and scheduled it for the following week just to get it over and done with. That was such an experience since they actually gave me a sleepy medicine which doesn't totally knock you out but pretty darn close to it. This doctor was... Well he was amazing, didn't know me at all, first time to meet and he acts like he cares so much.

That feeling makes everything be not nearly as scary and everyone was nice it was probably the best biopsy ever. Now I have to wait for results and it is driving me crazy. I just want to know already because I feel as though something really is wrong. As days and weeks passed I heard nothing which is usually a good sign that nothing major is wrong. When I went back to my regular doctor she had gotten the results back and the tests were all negative for any Cancer cells however they still never figured out what it really was which is a bit concerning.

I decided to tell myself not to worry about what it may be and just focus on what is happening right now. What I didn't know was that now I am severely anemic which explains why I've become so tired all the time and just feel like I'm dragging. So she told me what vitamins I need take and ordered another blood test in three months to see if it has went up. In between this time something terrible struck our family and it made things very difficult.

My mom had just turned 60 and shortly after that her life changed. My sister had decided to treat my niece to Chuckee-cheese because she did well in school so of course my mom, older niece, and I went with them. At first everything was fine, we were all enjoying ourselves and just having a good time eating pizza, talking, and playing games. I noticed that my mom wasn't acting right and she had started to complain that her left side felt numb or at least her legs which she thought it was from sitting in super hard seats. However, I had already started to question what was wrong with her and I think my guy was telling me something worse was happening.

But not thinking anything of it we let her drive home which she was ok to drive just had a hard time getting into the truck. Right after we left the place she asked where we were going and how to get there, she became confused and it scared me a little that she asked in such a way. We got home safe and sound; she immediately went and laid down attempting to relax. I began to worry more and told her if it got worse she was going to the hospital. By the time my dad got home it was only a little worse but hard to tell because she was just sitting down and not really getting up.

As we started to go to bed my dad had to practically carry her to the restroom so he made the decision to take her to the emergency room. She went downhill pretty quickly in just that time of helping her get ready to go and it took both my dad and I to get her in the truck. I could tell she wanted me to go with her but I knew that me being there would only make it worse because I was starting to cry like crazy. Tears were flooding my eyes just telling her "I Love You" and my heart literally ached to see my mom look afraid and unsure. I couldn't sleep hardly at all thinking about how my mom was and what was happening to her which caused me to cry and cry some more.

When my dad told me she had a stroke it was like a weight had been lifted and another one placed on my shoulders again. He said "I'll be coming home to get some stuff for her and allow my niece and I to go see her too". I asked my mom if she wanted me to stay the night with her and she kept saying it was up to me but I knew she really wanted me to stay so I did just that. I stayed with her while she was in ICU and that week I called out at work so that I could be by her side.

I was there through it all never once thinking about myself or worrying about me but rather worrying about my mom and figuring out how to handle things. She got better in about a week with her blood pressure still a bit high but not nearly as worrisome. It was so strange through the time in the hospital because normally it was me hooked up to all the machines and not her. I realized that if something ever happened to her Id be the one responsible for everything, I'd be the one to take care of my parents and my niece.

 I'd be the one to make sure my family survived; thankfully it didn't come to that really beyond me having to help make sure everything was good at home. She has gotten so much better now but it's taken a long time to get to where we are now and once again it's worrying about me and the fact that my iron still wasn't improving. As well as going to Houston and doing the normal tests only to be in the same position with them not knowing what the lump is but that it had shrunk in size and gotten a bit softer. So six months and I’d have to go back to run the normal tests which unfortunately means keeping an extra eye on the knot. Now all I want to worry about is going to see this specialist about being anemic and see what I have to next in order to improve my life.