Snowlit Preview Scene

She's just a girl stuck in a cockpit, placing her fingers over the already frozen keyboard. Playing to our fancy to entice our souls, so we should just leave her be, before we turn to stone.

"Life's an odd amount of negative energy you know" I said as I tapped my pencil against the notebook. The other students never seemed to be too initiated by my speeches and odd thoughts when I said them out loud. I rolled my crimson eyes and returned to the notebook, setting the pencil down between the folds. The lines had neatly made my sentences like little angel marks all over the page. Nice, and neat print, with the ink that left marks on even the neatest of skin. As to where this was? A classroom, full of unintelligent, and waiting eyes. For a president to teach them what was going to happen next in their lives. They expected me to guide them? To protect them? Well it was my job wasn't it. 

"Not that I would concentrate on all the bad parts, but you need to stop and think for once. Not about yourself, or others, but the well being as a whole. Think of it as the domino affect." I pulled out some book and placed them upwards on the table. "Student A, is picking on poor little D over here" I pointed to the last book, "if D falls, so do the rest." I toppled the book backwards and everyone followed after. One of the older students stood up.

"In theory though that wouldn't work, what if Student D, fell the other way?" He asked me. I crossed my arms, and gave a toothy grin showing off the glistening fangs in the moonlight.

"If you were in a fight boy would you want to fall alone, or take out people along with you?"

"Well....I guess when it comes down to it, I would want to take others with me."

"Exactly, it takes an extremely strong mindset to fall alone, and even then, the weakest link may cause the corrupted soul, to scatter." My hand began to rise in temperature, and a flame ignited in the middle of my palm. Lifting the book to the flame it began to burn in the pieces of paper. The words melting off the page like butter, as only ashes would be left. "You would burn your own soul, in self harm."

The soft ring of the bell hit the ears of the college students. They stood, and gave me their bows  before saying their goodbye's to their teacher and leaving. I dropped the books ashes, and sighed. Of course I would feel bad about just leaving them there, so I took the vacuum and cleaned up the mess as the teacher came up to me.

"I see the queen is getting better at handling people than she thought, isn't she?" I looked  up at Seth and narrowed my eyes.

"Are you saying I was never  good at  handling people?"

"Yes, that's exactly it." The brown haired shifter smirked at me as I gave a sigh. The man was in his late thirties if not older, with long brown hair and green eyes. He was bulky in size, and had a bit of hair on his chin, other than that he had fine white skin and a finely defined jawline. One could ultimately call him a nice looker, as if he was in his twenties like I was. The two of us began to consul in a chuckle before I started for the door.

"Remind me Seth, to not try to teach kids again, it's not something I'm good at." I gave him a wave and walked out into the college hallway. 

Author's Note

A story that I have been developing since Third grade, the backstory is a very long and hard feat. But I finally, am putting it into a book, the characters have been constantly thrashed about and moved. And in the hopes, I will be able to publish this book even if it's self publishing.

Reviews

[Astro]

Well, my friend knowing that you are young and are reaching out, I'm going to do my best to critique your work without being too derisive or, mean spirited. These are simply, my thoughts and you may do with them what you will. I love fiction, and I can tell that you have a vivid imagination. That's good, because you are going to need it. I am however, more concerned with the language/grammar/structure of your writing. You mentioned this is an ongoing story, that you have a passion to write, so, this only being one scene in the story, I'll stick to what I've read so far. First off, I had a hard time understanding whether the main character was a student or, a teacher. In the end, it seemed like the character was both and/or a queen. Secondly, it is hard for me to understand the lesson being taught. This may only be so, because I am not clear on what world you've got in mind and what abilities the people in it have. The sentence, "The other students never seemed to be too initiated by my speeches and odd thoughts when I said them out loud." is a bit confusing, because I am not sure if 'initiated' is the right word here. Perhaps, 'impressed' or, even 'interested' would seem more appropriate. A note, on character description: " The man was in his late thirties if not older, with long brown hair and green eyes. He was bulky in size, and had a bit of hair on his chin, other than that he had fine white skin and a finely defined jawline. One could ultimately call him a nice looker, as if he was in his twenties like I was." has many weaknesses. The first thing that jumped out was the words"fine white skin" and "finely defined". Here is just an example of poor wording, (so don't worry). It is repetitive, and doesn't really evoke the imagination. Something like, "he had pale white skin" and "a clearly defined jaw" might work better. The bit about lines making sentences look like angels is a little strange, but again, sounds like it's just your choice of words. I think you were trying to say that the outline of the writing on the page looked like an angel dissected by lines. Am I right? If not, feel free to tell me I'm an imbecile. I'm wondering if English isn't your first language because of the way that you put words together and also, because of the choice of words you use when trying to relay imagery or, dialogue. Again, don't be discouraged it really, just comes with practice. If I had to write in Japanese I'd sound like a clown.(I took 2yrs of Japanese in Univ.) A couple of examples from your story are, your use of the word "affect" when your character is teaching about the 'Domino "Effect". This is a mistake a lot of people make, one little letter can change everything. Another thing is when your character is trying to demonstrate this theory, you say that, " I pulled out some book and placed them upwards on the table. "Student A, is picking on poor little D over here" I pointed to the last book, "if D falls, so do the rest." I toppled the book backwards and everyone followed after." In the first sentence, I think you were looking to make book plural,(might have just been a typo) but then you write, "placed them upwards on the table" the word "upwards" would perhaps be better changed to "upright". That is because of imagery, think of it this way, if you have a book with a designed front cover and back is without design, you could say that laying them with the design on top, would be putting them upward on the table. If you said that the book was placed upright though, it gives a better image when trying to show the reader that the books were placed in front of each other like dominoes. So, just try and make your imagery more concise, similarly, when you talk about burning the book, you write that the letters melted off the page(s). If you've watched paper and ink burn you'll see that it is consumed by the fire not melted like a candles wax. Lastly, and this is just to reiterate about the use of appropriate words to paint a picture for the reader. You write, " Nice, and neat print, with the ink that left marks on even the neatest of skin." This is a weird sentence, because if you are explaining that the look of the writing and how it is printed is nice and neat, that is o.k., but here we find 2 problems: 1. The repetitive use of "neat" and "neatest of skin". 2. Ink by its nature would leave marks on most things, especially on skin, neat/clean or, otherwise. I'll leave it at that, I hope what criticisms I've given you will help you turn your ideas into more believable/clear stories for readers to enjoy. I can give you more tips to practice based on your writing of this piece but if you work on the ones I've mentioned for now, I think you will see a big progression in your craft. Get used to putting yourself in the situations you write about and you will understand how to describe the scenes easier, then write/revise/revise......until you have something you are happy with.

[Rivaxorus]

Thanks so much for this, I cannot pull the words out of my mouth to explain how thankful I am for your critique. I guess this was a bad scene to pull out anyway since it's a bit ways in the story. Yes English is my first language, though I watch a lot of anime and like learning Japanese things. I've never been real good at grammar. I really appreciate the help. The main character is actually the Queen, or the leader of the country they live in. It's a pure fantasy novel where there are all sorts of creatures. Vampires, werewolves, other creatures that no one has ever even heard of. Anyway, I look forward to you looking at my further writings if you ever do. Thanks so much again for this.

[Terohime]

I like the story line that you have going here, keep working on your writing.
~Your friend Res

[s y e]

Well basically I agree with what Astro is saying.

It's a good start but work on it, punctuation and grammar need work as does the language and the structure of it. Otherwise, I'm with Astro in this one.