Untitled[Version Two]

Different Version of the other poem.

 

Hands clammy
Heart beating wildly
I knew this was coming
Hope you would've changed your mind
Now I don't know what to think
I watch your lips
Your telling me
My heart is racing
Tears stinging
Why?
The world floats between us
Why?
Your answer is simple
Right thing for me
Stomach whirling
Heart squeezing
Feels like the world is falling
I don't want to hear it anymore
Those lips you kissed me with
Forming in to those words
Nerves rack my stomach
Hands caress my back
Shh it's going to be okay
You whisper and I relax
Trusting you fully as I have before
I might be a military man
You whispered in my ear
Before adding
but I'll always be yours
What you said made sence
Brought comfort
I knew things would be fine..

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

Is this one better then the other?

Reviews

[LittleMadGirl]

For unknows reasons I liked the first one much more. The first one just sounds more ... real =)
But it's still good work

[Lilly]

I like both of them but I think I like this one better
- oh and just at the end - should it say 'sense' instead of since?


:)

[West of Everyone]

I have to say this caught me off-guard. I read the second one first, and I at first thought it was from the perspective of someone who was being let down in a break-up. But then it twisted and ended bittersweet. I like it. As was said before, they are both good works for different reasons, but if I had to choose one of the two, it would be this one. Again both are good. I give you an A :P

[J.D. Pine]

I'd say they are about the same. Both great pieces in their own ways.

[Johnny Monroe]

Its impossible to compare these two pieces because they are both good for different reasons. I loved this one because could envison yourself having these type of feelings and you did a great job describing this type of whirl of human emotions.
Your answer is simple
I mean this little bit is awesome!
"Right thing for me
Stomach whirling
Heart squeezing
Feels like the world is falling
I don't want to hear it anymore"