Inspired

My mother inspired this one

You always hear songs

That say

"Live as if tomorrow was a gift"

"Tell them you love them every chance you get"

 

Never once do you believe

that they could be right..

 

I was always angry

So stubborn

i barely said "i love you"

 

Reluctantly i would answer your call

listen for a few.. minutes

then say "I have to go, I'll call you later"

 

The last time we talked..

I didn't say "I love you"

 

Last time we saw each other..

I didn't give a hug..

 

Never could i have guessed

that would be my last chance

 

I remember the day

I found out..

 

Every single moment..

 

I yelled with grandma..

worrying about you..

 

It was the first time Grandpa didn't inturrupt

Guess he knew that i was right..?

 

I got the call from shanna

Telling me about you not answering the door

 

We called the police

Grandma, Grandpa and I

 

It took two hours,

I called your cell..

it rang five times..

then Voicemail

 

At 9:03

two cop cars pulled into the drive

 

Grandma and Grandpa knew something was wrong..

I had just turned on the computer

 

The cops came in

A male and female..

 

I closed the laptop,

walked into the living room..

 

"Sit down please"

The woman kept saying

until we were all sitting

 

I on the arm of the couch, grandma beside me, grandpa in his blue chair

the woman cop stood in the center living room, the male by the door

The male's face was stone, the woman's sad

 

"We're sorry to infrom you..." the woman began

My ears heard only soft words

"But Amy Watters was found dead in her apartment"

 

The words stung, we were all silent

My body took in the information..

I sank to the floor in one fluid motion.

 

my hands covered my eyes

the only word that i repeated

"No.. no.. no!"

 

Grandpa dropped to the ground

Hugging me tight..

He kept reapting "I'm sorry Jasmine"

As if it was his own fault..

 

Grandma remained on the couch, her expression

i couldn't see..

 

The woman cop gave us information, finally i was able to form a sentance

"please tell me youre kidding.."

 

The woman shook her head, and the silence clouded over me

i pushed grandpa away, got to my feet and paced the house

Everyone knew i often did when i was.. confused

 

An hour later..

the cops were gone, 10:03..

We started making calls

 

Aunty becky, Uncle Billy..

Get them out to the house..

 

Confused, even angry

they both agreed,

 

Another half an hour,

pacing the house

 

Aunty becky arrived first,

Ava and Mike in tow..

 

they all sat down

I was blunt..

 

"Mom's dead."

Aunty becky was silent. Mike as well

 

Uncle billy walked in seconds later,

i put my finger to my lips

indicating aunty becky to remain quiet.

 

Billy and Sherri sat on the couch,

i took a deep breath, and told them more gently.

"Mom passed away." "About a week ago.."

 

They too were silent,

Tears were everywhere, hugs and I love you's filled the house.

 

I returned to pacing, until our pastor arrived..

 

That night will always be remembered..

Never will i forget..

 

I spoke up at her funeral..

Every chance i got..

I knew that she'd be proud..

 

As the days have gone by

The crying has stopped some..

 

but the tears still flow

almost everyday..

 

When i think of all the things

You wont be around to see..

 

my sweet sixteen, the day i get my license,

The day i graduate..

Even when i get married..

 

You wont get to cry.. when i get hurt

Laugh with me over stupid things

Offer advise..

tell on me to grandma and grandpa

Get mad at them for being mean..

 

Protecting me from people

Telling off the meanies..

 

It makes me sad to know

that Ava wont remember you..

that.. when more babies are born they wont know

who you were..

They will watch the videos

And ask "Who is that.."

 

It makes me mad

knowing you left me all alone..

You promised you'd live to see

your great-grandbabies..

 

"Being a young mom, i'll be around for ever!"

You used to say..

 

I hate you..

I love you..

I miss you..

 

I'll miss your advise..

I'll miss your smile..

I'll miss the scent that hit me when i hugged you

I'll miss the feel of hugging you..

I'll miss everything about you..

 

But i feel comforted..

knowing you're somewhere at peace..

Knowing you're probably watching over me..

Maybe you're smiling..

Maybe your laughing..

Maybe your crying..

I guess i'll never know..

Until the day comes..

 

Where you are standing by my side,

Holding out your hand

To take me away to a peaceful place..

 

But for now..

I'll have to be strong..

For everyone..

Keep the tears hidden, so no one feels bad..

 

I'll make sure to tell ava

Who you were..

And i'll make sure she knows

What an amazing woman you were..

 

I love you..

I Hate you..

I miss you..

 

My mommy..