In the black

Recovering resurfacing being inside a sunken state depressed pushed to a state of consciousness that is almost not consscious at all until the last bastion of its own inability to leave behind reality

This only for the faint of heart

Beauty...don't be stupid... Don't be beautiful... Don't be observable... Don't be seen... Allow not the light to find you... Exist amidst eyes only in the dark... Only when you aren't will you be safe...dead... Perhaps.. or just waiting... For what... Maybe to find something as on the floor I find the memory of what I once used to see
..
But for what, I never really did, yet I know of this...this understanding of an instance I have no tangible knowledge of its existence and yet it is, it exists... But that... That...makes not any se..sense? What is it. But in this instance a conclusive illusion it seems as again this cruel yet unwavering nothing is repeating the same answer.. madness, nothing but bleek... nothing but bleek empty black and madness as I wonder onwards, no more will my quelled thoughts numb me from myself. mislead no longer perhaps I crawl slowly arriving towards an disillusioned understanding waned from arrogance and beset by determination a relentless want to be something... anything... to have a motivation.
Something pushing me without a want for an understanding, this must be a means for a way out of what yet might only be my creation a reason for why and without one in this case I have nothing to lose.. smell... pushing to find a smell, a sound, smell for answers, smell for, momentos? , perfectly stored, a thousand descriptions of what occured in one moment yet not one more or less relevant to the whole then any other.

A sound for... Comradery... And instrumentals... Of my whip... I used only to make the crows quip at the thought of disturbing my meager existence... A dream... An obstacle and imitation of life not part of something a nothing just torment and ruin, it is an illusion!!! I hear thoughts shouting but I don't recognise the voice, standing in the shadows I see many figures but who are they... They... They are.. were ..once ... Someone some actual reason and meaning inside of an incubator of sorts... I hear crying of something small... A child..

Is that who I am... Is this me being reborn.. am I becoming again... As fallen from my thoughts my drive became, as I have no idea of what I am... Is that important.. .is that anything... What is anything..
If I am some sort of something that means that I cannot be the only one by definition. .. .maybe I'm remembering my family...
Maybe I had loved ones..maybe loved ones once had me...maybe a life waits and I am stuck in a state where I cannot wake to hear them or let them know I'm okay only rudimentary quandaries keeping me invariably caught by my own inability to leave what little I have in this dark partnership of the nothing and pieces of what could be a soul left behind in the black.
....crying to myself as thoughts leave and that's the moment it came and whence I realised that this must be... My prison.... My own quarters. If in that case where is it that I can leave off this that follows me this enome (name written backwards) that which keeps me still from my benevolence and peace ... Words... I recognise more as I keep striving but Im not able to leave this empty nothing that steals my own breathe before I would breathe it... There must be more or maybe there is only what is and in that instance I must leave all that I can behind..... Follow only the light.... Light........in the distance ... I see it but I cannot believe what my eyes are seeing..... This must be an illusion but still I will not let its idea become nothing.... Lest I fade once more into the black... To become naught but a shadow once more...

Light....

Gone....

Then and what when and why.

I hear a noise. I look up... I'm alive... Now with a feeling of what I might be, before only floating pieces of what one would call a consciousness.. now I feel this being as a whole that which holds my soul... I am man...I man am a friend... I have reasons... Not for excuse but for me to believe in something greater then this.. indexed pointing the finger to lay blame.. just the answer to the question... naught is the wisdom that strives for just a beginning to make sense the end.... Nor that which seeks to find solace inside of an early journey through life by becoming what needed before the time it was that it had a cause... Leaving all possibilities to the wind and amidst the wind and it's tendencies to deliver the answers the messages... I know not to trust yet in something greater when I have yet to grasp even the simplicity of why it is. Why I woke from where it is I slept. Why I am consumed by this immense feeling that of being drunk in my ignorance,, in my vast amounts of empty understanding, of things I yet have a reason for why, why is a question let alone why they who, I know not even existance yet at all... Is that really an understanding or am I perturbed inside a moment that exists only plausibly inside of itself.. does this thought make sense.. I laughed at my response..

laughing...

Piecing I see no purpose instead I need to find the light... Find where inside myself I can use the myself inside me to make sense of this what's seemingly endless yet for what for anything I suppose there is only left images with no origins of happy faces of fellings of being whole inside of something greater, far greater... I can only hope. . .

... Even in the face of complete evisceration from the records of one's mind and the world
Still...
.. we must move on...

Broken awoken outside of my jail I failed I lost I fought and was again broken amongst all of what was that held me prisoner from my own worthless understand that was put there by shouting by pointed weapons implied trauma and pain forced in a corner to find a new way to remain but not of my own volition now this becomes my mission for me to find the reason for why whom ever may have been there that day even if only demented thoughts according to the intense long black that became my rebirth and inturn my discourse. So wonder I must to find what may never have been only so I can find peace or so I hope. . . Accepting and being surprised I expect nothing more then what has happened already to keep changing its way to shine upon me understand in a plethora of ways for which one my gain perspective.. in light in dark... In life ... In the black...