Plop

Two young girls have to fight their way through with their imaginations.

Plop!

 

The stage is set as a portion of a path leading home from school. There are little tufts of grass and flowers, and a few trees behind the path. It is the middle of the day. A school bell rings, and there are the sounds of children rushing off home and calling to each other. After most of the noise has died down, Lucy and Maggie enter from the left.

Lucy and Maggie are identical physically- both girls wear plain t-shirts, jeans, and sneakers- but their personalities make them look different. Lucy’s shirt is emerald green, and all her clothes are perfectly pressed. Her long, brown hair is pulled up into a practical ponytail. She wears a heavily-laden backpack and carries a small palm pilot, which she is completely intent upon.

Maggie’s shirt is maroon, and she wears her hair down, but unlike Lucy her clothes are messy, wrinkled and dirty. She wears clips haphazardly stuck in her hair, a bright sparkly belt, and bright shoelaces. Maggie carries nothing, and scampers about, inspecting the flowers and trees and following butterflies. Everything amuses her, and she exults in everything.

LUCY (to palm pilot): Fifi, activate!
(Fifi lights up as she speaks.)
FIFI: All systems online! Commence cheerful greeting. (pause) Good afternoon, Lucy!
LUCY: Yeah, hi. Look, I’ve got a lot of homework. Open up the scheduling program.
FIFI: You got it!
(There is a blippy sound.)
LUCY (pressing buttons): I’ve got homework in Physics, and it’s that motion stuff I don’t understand. Note to self: Ask Dad or Google it. And in Algebra, problems one through fifty-eight on page seventy-two--
MAGGIE (picks bright flower and show it to her): Lookee, Faye, a flower!
(Lucy isn’t playing attention to her. Maggie puts the flower behind her ear.)
LUCY (sigh): And then I’ve got English. Read up to chapter ten. Answer the comprehension questions. Then a half-hour for dinner, followed by two hours of TV-watching before my shower.
(Maggie gasps and points to the ground in front of her, disturbing Lucy’s concentration.)
MAGGIE: Ant! Ant! A-a-ant!
(Lucy gives her a disapproving look. Maggie flops down on her belly and watches as the ant crawls forward.)
LUCY (annoyed, which is the emotion she utilizes most when she talks to Maggie): Maggie?
MAGGIE: Ya-who?
LUCY: Where’s your backpack?
MAGGIE (wholly consumed in watching the ant): I ate it.
(Lucy rolls her eyes.)
LUCY: Maggie, you did not eat your backpack.
(Maggie climbs to her feet.)
MAGGIE: Yeah-huh I did! (reenacts conversation) Jamie Bennett said to me, “Maggie, you’re so skinny, I betcha can’t eat your backpack” and I said “Yeah-huh, I can too!” And I bit into it!
(Maggie motions a humongous bite. It’s clear Lucy doesn’t believe her.)
LUCY: Uh-huh. And where’s the rest of it?
MAGGIE (pointing proudly): Mah tummy!
LUCY (exploding): Maggie, this is ridiculous! How are you gonna do your homework if you don’t have your backpack?! Now we’ll have to go back to school and get it, and that’ll throw my whole schedule off!
MAGGIE (innocently): But my backpack’s not at school.
LUCY (hand to her forehead): Alright, never mind-- Let’s just try to get home. (severely) And let’s get through it without and incidents, please!
MAGGIE (no idea what she’s agreeing to): Ah-kay!
LUCY: Okay.
(She straightens her backpack and fixes her hair. Maggie amuses herself humming and dancing behind Lucy as she makes her way across the stage. Lucy is concentrating on Fifi.)
LUCY: Which way is the quickest way home, Fifi?
FIFI: Oh, let’s see. My databanks say this path will take you there eventually.
(Lucy continues down, still muttering to herself about her homework. Maggie stops, c***s her head, and looks down the path ahead of them.)
MAGGIE: And what do they say about the huge palm tree blocking the way?
(As soon as she says this a huge palm tree drops down from above the stage and flops down onto the right, blocking Lucy’s way. She screams and jumps back. Maggie beams.)
LUCY: No! You said you wouldn’t!!
MAGGIE (sincerely): I didn’t do nothin’. The tree was jus’ there.
LUCY (gesturing at the tree violently): Maggie, remove that tree RIGHT NOW!
MAGGIE: But I haven’t gots a saw.
LUCY (clenching teeth): You know what I mean. Do it NOW!
MAGGIE: Can’t. Ninjas’ll kill me.
(Suddenly there are ninjas sneaking around behind the trees. They’re very stealthy. Lucy and Maggie crowd together in the middle of the stage. Lucy is anxious, Maggie thrilled.)
LUCY: Oh, no, no, no, no...
MAGGIE (peers around tree, points): I see you!
(A silver ninja blade is flung expertly towards them. Both Maggie and Lucy jump out of the way just in time. The blade sticks in the palm tree.)
LUCY: Gyah!
MATSUTSU (Japanese accent): What insolent spewl dares tread in the treacherous Ninja-Infested Wood?
(A cowboy hat and whip drops from the sky. Maggie puts on the hat and wraps the whip around her hand.)
MAGGIE (in southern accent): I’m Wily Wilhelmina, the scourge of the West! And this here’s my partner, the sassy Miss Violet Daisy!
(A frilly, old-fashioned prairie bonnet with violets and daisies all over it falls onto Lucy. It surprises her, and she throws it from her in disgust.)
MAGGIE: Y’all come out with yer hands up! Y’all’ve been really naughty ninjuhs!
LUCY (getting up and dragging her backpack): Maggie, you stop this RIGHT NOW, it is NOT FUNNY--
MAGGIE (in her real voice): Faye, put on your hat before they kill you!
LUCY: Oh, they are not going to kill me.
MAGGIE: Why? (gasps) Is it because you’re immune to ninja mind-control tactics?
LUCY: No, it’s because--
TUOMO: There are none who can resist ninja mind-control tactics!
(The ninjas behind the trees begin to peer out and stare intently at them. A warbling, mind-controlling-type sound issues. Maggie’s eyes get wide and she starts to stagger around. She drops her whip.)
MAGGIE: Agh! My brain! I feel the sudden urge to obey all ninjas!
LUCY (incredulous): Oh, come on.
(Some of the ninjas come out from behind their trees to stare at Lucy.)
KIMIKA: My god!
MATSUTSU: She’s not responding to the mind control!
TUOMO (reeling): It’s not possible!
KIMIKA: You must be a divine being!
LUCY (Oh? Divine being?): Well, I’m not-- really--
MATSUTSU (sudden idea): I know! Bring the general!
ALL THREE: Yes!
(Kimika runs offstage. Maggie falls to the ground in a heap. The cowboy hat falls odd as she grasps Lucy’s leg.)
MAGGIE (breathless): Faye, save me!
LUCY (gives her a kick): Get off.
(The ninjas confer amongst themselves on this strange new development. Lucy tinkers with Fifi.)
LUCY: Fifi, how do I get over this darn tree?
FIFI: Oh, you can’t.
LUCY (bristling): Whaddaya mean I can’t?!
FIFI: Well, it’s poisonous and covered with sharp, pointy sticks.
(Dozens of sharp sticks spring out of the tree’s trunk. It begins to ooze evil purple goo. Maggie grins from the ground.)
LUCY (grasping in her fury): A-a-ah!
(Kimika reappears to join the ninja’s conversation. The mind-control sounds issues again. Maggie writhes on the ground.)
MAGGIE: No! My mind!
LUCY: Hey!
TUOMO: Sorry.
KIMIKA: Just making sure.
BRANDY (offstage.): What’s all this racket?
(General Brandy, a British army officer in full garb, walks on left holding a glass of wine. Following him is his subordinate, Lieutenant Brisk, who holds an iced tea. They are both very pompous.)
BRANDY: I say, what’s going on here?
MATSUTSU: This girl is immune to our mind control!
BRISK: By George! Is it so?
TUOMO: We double-checked!
KIMIKA: She doesn’t even flinch!
BRANDY (peering at Lucy): Well, she’s a novelty, isn’t she?
BRISK: Have you considered the circus, young lady?
MAGGIE: I like the circus!
(Brandy turns round to look at the ninjas. The ninjas egg him on.)
BRANDY: Well, what do you want me to do about it?
MATSUTSU: I don’t know, arrest them!
TUOMO: Yes, do something British with them.
(Brisk and Brandy puff out their chests. This is what they do best.)
BRISK: Well, I suppose we could send them to Australia.
MAGGIE: Yay!
LUCY: Whoa, whoa, nobody’s going anywhere.
(Brisk and Brandy are shocked.)
BRANDY: What insubordination! Do you challenge my authority?
LUCY (defiant): Yeah, I do!
BRANDY: Preposterous! Begs to be excused!
BRISK: Get control of yourself, young lady! We’re in the army! And the British army at that.
(They both nod to each other and puff out again. The whole time the ninjas have been creeping around stealthily, peering through the flowers at the audience and such. Maggie watches them gleefully, and waves when one looks at her.)
BRANDY: Brisk, something must be done about this. (to Lucy) I’ve got it! I enlist you.
BRISK: Bravo!
LUCY (shocked): What?!
MAGGIE: Hooray! I always wanted to go on maneuvers!
(Two government-issue rifles fall from the ceiling, along with two military caps. Lucy catches her rifle, still shocked, but Maggie has to pick hers up. She plops her hat on her head and does the same for Lucy.)
LUCY: Alright, I am not going to kill anyone.
BRANDY: Well, you won’t get too far. I say, don’t you know we’re at war?
(Sounds of gunfire, bombs, and fighter jets can be heard all around them. Lucy flinches.)
MAGGIE (delighted): Who are we fighting against?
BRISK: Everyone in this region, really. I just can’t stand those dratted fairy cheerleaders. (a thought occurs) By Joe, Brandy, I think we’re fighting the ninjas as well!
BRANDY: Bless my soul, I do believe you’re right!
(The ninjas strike. They’ve been planning this from the beginning. Seamlessly, Kimika pulls the ninja blade out of the tree and hands it off to Tuomo, who climbs up the back of the nearest tree. In the next tree Matsutsu takes the knife and tosses it at Brisk. Brisk shouts and falls. The ninjas sneak offstage, victorious.)
BRISK: I am slain!
(He spills his iced tea all over the audience. Brandy kneels next to him, likewise spilling his brandy.)
BRANDY: Comrade!
(Brisk is dead. There is disembodied ninja laughter.)
BRANDY (stands): I’ll have you, my good fellows! I’ll see you gutted, I will!
MAGGIE (British accent): Aye, let’s slay them all!
LUCY (recovering): No. No slaying.
MAGGIE (normal voice): Aw, Faye, please?
(Brandy has been trying to keep composed, though he can barely contain his sobs. A sound in the distance interrupts him.)
KIMMY (offstage): Gimme an F!
FAIRY CHEERLEADERS: F!
KIMMY: Gimme an A!
FAIRY CHEERLEADERS: A!
BRANDY: Good god, they’re attacking! Ready your cutlasses!
LUCY (angrily): We haven’t got cutlasses.
BRANDY: Steady, men! Here they come!
(The fairy cheerleaders look like normal cheerleaders, with ponytails, short skirts, and pom-poms, but they also look like fairies, with shiny wings, sparkly costumes and tiaras. They skip onstage in formation and proceed with their routine :)
FAIRY CHEERLEADERS: We are the fairy cheerleaders!
You better fear us now!
‘Cause if you try to mess with us
You’re- goin’- down!
We’re fearless! We’re strong!
We got it goin’ on!
We’re perky! We’re loud!
We’re gonna take- you- out!
(They pose. Brandy is shaken.)
BRANDY: You cannot intimidate us with your choreographed war cry!
(The cheerleaders are rather miffed that their performance was not better received and gang up on them. They push them so far that Lucy pokes herself on one of the sharp sticks sticking out from the palm tree.)
LUCY: Ow! Geez!
MANDY: You don’t scare us!
TAMMY (pointedly): You’re just a big, mean bully!
KIMMY: We’ll show you!
(All the girls toss their pom-poms at the three of them, and sprinkle them with fairy dust. Brandy falls down dead.)
MAGGIE (falling after him, British accent): Comrade!
(Lucy, the only one left to receive the attack, is bombarded with pom-poms and dust. She’s had enough.)
LUCY: Agh! This is RIDICULOUS!
(She tosses one of the pom-poms back at them. Kimmy falls dead.)
MANDY: Omigod, Kimmy!
(Screams and panic from the other fairy cheerleaders.)
TAMMY: Omigod, omigod, what do we do?!
ASHLEY: I dunno! Do another routine?
MANDY: I don’t think that’ll work!
TAMMY: We might as well try!
(Resounding agreement from the other girls. They begin to take their positions.)
LUCY: Alright, alright, enough! Get out of here!
(Lucy tosses more pom-poms at them. They scream and flee. More fall down dead.)
MANDY: This is, like, sooo mean!
TAMMY: I totally hate you!
(Lucy watches them scurry away with no small amount of satisfaction. Maggie stumbles across the stage to her, and drops her gun. Her cap is cockeyed on her head. She’s breathing heavily.)
MAGGIE: Lucy, I don’t think I’m gonna make it--
LUCY: Oh, you will too.
(Lucy picks Fifi up from where she was dropped and dusts the fairy powder off of her.)
MAGGIE (slumping): Tell my mother- that I love her--
(She’s on her knees now. Lucy gives her a light shove. She falls onto the floor.)
MAGGIE: Goodbye, cruel world! I forfeit my life for freedom!
LUCY: If you don’t tell me how to get out of here, Fifi, I’ll snap your circuit board.
FIFI: I don’t have a circuit board.
MAGGIE: Oh, da pain!
LUCY (angry now): Fifi, if you don’t tell me, I will find some sort of digital torture to perform on you--
FIFI: Okay, okay!
MAGGIE (like a dying giraffe): Gaaaaaaah!
LUCY: Oh, would you be quiet? You’re not dying!
MAGGIE (epiphany) I’m not?
LUCY: No, you’re fine. Fifi?
FIFI: I say wait for the janitors.
LUCY: What janitors?!
(While Lucy talks to Fifi Maggie stands and looks at her appendages in awe. She’s completely healed!)
MAGGIE: Wow, Faye, you healed me!
LUCY (sarcastic): I suppose that makes me an all-powerful magic-wielding wizard!
(A wizard’s hat and staff falls onto the stage.)
LUCY: Aw, c’mon!!
(Maggie picks them up. She places the hat on Lucy’s head and presents the staff to her ceremoniously. She doesn’t accept it.)
MAGGIE (reverently): All hail the mystical wizard Alhambra!
LUCY: My name is not Alhambra! (to Fifi) Fifi!
FIFI: I dunno, Lucy. I’m kinda likin’ the whole wizard getup.
Lucy gives an aggravated groan.
MAGGIE (suddenly): As you apprentice, I advise you to accept the contract from the president!
(The president and his secret service agents burst onstage. The president is very handsome and charming, and also rather conceited. His agents check the tufts of grass and trees for snipers.)
PRESIDENT (rushes forward, shakes Lucy’s hand roughly): I’m so pleased to meet you, Miss Alhambra, I’ve heard all about you charitable work in this part of the country.
AGENT MAX: This maple is all clear.
AGENT TOM: Copy that.
LUCY (confounded): I-I didn’t-
PRESIDENT (quickly): Don’t be so modest! Now, tell me, is it true that you only recently committed a ruthless massacre of the fairy cheerleaders?
MAGGIE: Oh yeah, that was her. It was gruesome. (excited) I almost died!
PRESIDENT: How’d you like to join my cabinet?
LUCY: What? No!
MAGGIE (explaining): Lucy doesn’t like to join things.
LUCY: Look, no offense, Mr. President, but I’ve got to get home.
PRESIDENT: Oh, I completely understand. People are often intimidated by my dashing good looks. If you work for me, I promise you that you won’t see me so often that it will become distracting.
LUCY: Dude, you are not all that good-looking.
PRESIDENT (in disbelief): What?
LUCY: Sorry.
PRESIDENT: That’s insane! I’m the most gorgeous man on the planet! (taps Agent Ken on the shoulder) I think she’s a security risk.
(In a millisecond all the agents are trying to tackle them. The president recline to the left side of the stage, where there is a presidential bean bag chair waiting for him. He amuses himself with some important papers.)
LUCY: Agh! Fifi, tell us how to get out!
FIFI: Can’t. The tree’s in the way.
LUCY: Well, I know that!
FIFI: I thought you did.
(Lucy and Maggie duck from the guards and use anything they can get their hands on to ward them off. There is a lot of stuff onstage now for them to use- the cowboy hat and whip, the ninja blade, the brandy glass, the pom-poms, etc. Lucy scoops some of the goo off the palm tree and tosses it at Agent Max. He wipes it off and makes a yucky face. The president is not paying attention.)
AGENT TOM: Sir! Permission to use mind-control tactics!
PRESIDENT: Hm? Oh, go ahead.
MAGGIE: Those don’t work on her!
AGENT KEN: Blast it!
(Lucy is getting desperate as one of the agents starts to chase her.)
LUCY: Fifi, I swear, if you don’t think of something--
FIFI: Well, you could use your imagination.
(Lucy takes off her wizard hat and throws it in the agent’s face. As he is momentarily confused, she ducts behind a tree.)
LUCY: Do what?
(This alerts the agent to Lucy’s presence. Two of them converge on her.)
FIFI: Use your imagination, like Maggie.
LUCY: That’s stupid!
FIFI: Suit yourself.
(They chase her upstage. She trips and falls off it. She’s now in the theater among the audience. Everyone freezes and stares at her.)
AGENT MAX: Can she do that?
(They all confer, and nobody can decide.)
AGENT TOM: Hey, Tammy, Kimika, Brandy! Come out here for a sec!
(All ninjas, British officers, and fairy cheerleaders, even the dead ones, come onstage. they point at Lucy. Maggie sees her friend and gives a squeal, jumping off after her. She rushes to join her friend.)
AGENT KEN: Alright, I’m pretty sure that’s not allowed.
BRANDY: What do you think you’re doing down there? Come back up here at once!
TAMMY: That’s totally not fair!
LUCY (a little scared, to Maggie): What do we do?!
MAGGIE: Wave!
(Maggie waves at the audience. Lucy rolls her eyes.)
AGENT MAX: Mr. President?
(The president surveys the scene half-heartedly.)
PRESIDENT: Oh no, you can follow them.
(The whole group of angry characters surge toward the girls, hopping off the stage after them. Lucy jumps.)
LUCY (grabbing Maggie’s arm): Come on!
(They are chased all over the theater. Lucy and Maggie do their best to get away from them, throwing things where they can and using the audience members as shields. They run out of the theater entrance. Shouts and calls can e heard from outside. In a moment Maggie appears in the tech booth. She presses all the different buttons and the lights in the theater flicker.)
MAGGIE: Lookee how pretty!
(Lucy runs up from behind and grabs her.)
LUCY: Maggie!
(They disappear. In a moment the hoard following them rushes back into the theater. Lucy and Maggie sneak in behind them. Lucy drags Maggie off toward the fire escape.)
MAGGIE (calling to hoard): We’re over here!
LUCY (exasperated): Maggie!
(The hoard realizes this is true and turns to follow her. As they come closer, Lucy begins to panic).
LUCY (yelling): Stop! Don’t come any closer!
(They slow to a halt.)
LUCY: I’ll... I’ll... I’ll reason with you!
(They look at each other and burst out laughing.)
MANDY: What, are you serious?
KIMIKA: That will never work! Ninjas can never be reasoned with!
BRISK: And I do believe the British Royal Guard also holds that honor.
LUCY: (getting their attention): I’m serious. You, ninja. You’re stealthy, right? (brain whirring) So what are you doing out here in the open?
(The ninjas look at each other in shock.)
MATSUTSU: She’s right!
TUOMO: What are we doing out here?
KIMIKA: We’re breaking the ancient ninja code!
(They scurry back up onstage, hiding behind anything along the way, and disappear backstage.)
LUCY (indicating secret service agents): And you guys. The president doesn’t pay you very well, does he?
AGENT TOM (realizing): Hey, he doesn’t!
PRESIDENT (looks up for the first time): I do too!
LUCY: Don’t you think you could seek better employment elsewhere?
AGENT KEN (to Max and Tom): Hey, hey, yeah! My uncle Mickey just opened up a surf shop!
AGENT MAX: Righteous!
(They run back onstage, where the president tries to reason with them before they head off. They won’t have it. This leaves the fairy cheerleaders and the British officers.)
ASHLEY: Guys, come back!
TAMMY (to Lucy): Look what you did!
LUCY (with attitude): Don’t you have midterms to study for?
(All the fairy cheerleaders gasp.)
MANDY: Omigod, I completely forgot!
ASHLEY: I’m gonna fail Spells and Incantations!
(They all burst into tears and run, sobbing, back onstage, Now the only ones left are Brandy and Brisk. They look very pleased.)
BRANDY: Good luck getting rid of us. We serve the Queen.
(They puff out their chests.)
LUCY: I don’t have to get rid of you. You’re dead already.
BRISK: By Jove, she’s correct!
BRANDY: Oh, knickers.
(They both fall down dead. Lucy and Maggie return to the stage, victorious.)
MAGGIE (gushing): Oh, Faye, that was beautiful!
PRESIDENT: Now wait just a minute. (he realizes he’s the only one left) I use my presidential power of veto to prevent you!
(Maggie gasps and staggers.)
LUCY: Well, I overturn it!
PRESIDENT: You need a two-thirds majority in Congress to do that!
LUCY: Well. I’ve got one!
(A very thick official document falls from the ceiling. Lucy picks it up eagerly and shoves it in the president’s face.)
LUCY (triumphantly): HA!
PRESIDENT: Alright. (shuffles the papers he’s holding, puts them down, and puts up his fists) I’ll fight you.
LUCY (shocked for a moment, but recovers): But both your legs are broken.
(The president collapses with a cry.)
PRESIDENT (laughing): That won’t stop me! I’m the president!
LUCY (she’s having fun now, flipping through the official document): Oh, it seems I have the power to impeach presidents.
(Maggie claps, excited as she watches).
PRESIDENT: Oh no you don’t!
LUCY (to audience): Everyone is favor of impeaching this guy?
MAGGIE: Here, here!
LUCY: Fifi?
FIFI: I didn’t vote for him.
(Lucy slams the document shut.)
LUCY: There. Now try to be president.
(He is wounded, but not deterred. He crawls forward and starts poking Lucy.)
PRESIDENT: I’ll poke you to death if I have to!
LUCY (trying to brush him off): Hey, hey, hey! Janitor! Janitor!
(A whole host of janitors come out of the woodwork.)
JANITOR BOB: Come on.
(He and another janitor drag the president offstage, screaming.)
PRESIDENT: You can forget about being pardoned!
(His yelling fades. Lucy and Maggie, both sweating and out of breath, collapse on her backpack. Lucy pulls Fifi out again, and Maggie plays with some of the objects onstage until the janitors take them from her. All around them the janitors clean up their mess, picking up the extra prop and dragging Brandy and Brisk back offstage. Some sweep and clean. A few go about removing the palm tree with very professional-looking equipment.)
MAGGIE (elated): That was so much fun!
LUCY: I think we’ve got enough time left, if I finish my Physics homework in a half-hour...
MAGGIE: Let’s play a game!
LUCY: NO! No games! Homework time!
(Maggie is disheartened.)
LUCY: You want to go to college, don’t you?
MAGGIE: What’s in college?
LUCY (matter-of-factly): Credits.
MAGGIE: Credits?!
LUCY: And professors. And classes. And lots of costly books. And a specialized major.
MAGGIE: Oh, Faye! It sounds wonderful!
LUCY: That’s why we have to do our homework. So we can go to college.
MAGGIE: Yay! I can’t wait! Let’s do it as soon as we get home!
LUCY (happily, holding up Fifi): That’s what I planned.
(The janitors begin to clear out. Lucy looks and sees the palm tree is gone.)
LUCY: Hey, great job, you guys.
JANITOR BOB: Tip the janitor?
(They all lean in to her.)
LUCY: Um... I’ll, uh, send you a check.
(The janitors are satisfied. They all exit, Lucy and Maggie get to their feet and dust themselves off. Lucy heaves her heavy backpack onto her back and fixes her hair.)
LUCY: Well, better be off. (to Fifi) Fifi, are we on the right track?
FIFI: Yeppers.
(Lucy exits. Maggie stops just before and c***s her head.)
MAGGIE: And what does it say about the wild boar that’s about to skewer her?
(Noises of a wild boar offstage. Lucy gives an aggravated cry. Maggie grins and runs offstage.)

Author's Note

I'm not fully versed in stage directions. ^_^;;