Moments of a life-time

Something good...

As my foot-steps bring me close to the shore

I loose myself into the sound of crashing waves

Throwing lather everywhere

And within moments

I'm surrounded by this vast expanse of white

So fluffy

So soft

So pretty

But I keep moving forward

Till I feel the coolness of water

On my exhausted and tired legs

Gradually, on my whole body

I'm in the ocean now

With waves carrying me off

To some unknown land

And I know that I won't drown

I trust the ocean

I have loved it

It won't kill me

After a brief ride

To the nearby island

Where I played with the birds

And built my own sand-castles

And to a hidden reef

I never knew about before

I'm back to my place

The sun is retiring behind it's blanket of clouds

And the whole life on this earth

Is preparing for the night

It has already started crawing its way

And I can see the moon above the horizon...

 

Everyone warns me...

Tells me not to go there...

No safety, no anybody

They tell me that I can get lost

But I can't live without this pleasure

Though momentary

It energizies me to live life to its fullest

And forget my problems

 

I steal these precious moments

From time

Where I build and live in my own fantasy

I spend these treasured minutes

With someone I recall from my memory

 

Now the question, much hard to answer

Is if I'd be able to

Continue this theft?

And steal these moments once again...

Author's Note

I like this piece...
It's about something very close to my heart...
And one more thing. I've been to the beach only once....lolz

Reviews

[Emily Rose]

This is an interesting piece, but I think you need to cut it down a little to even it out. There are a lot of little words that can be done without, a few repetitive lines and even some unnecessary line breaks. Let's see if I can show you. In these lines you can get rid of some of the nonfunctioning words pretty easily to tighten it up and make it more effective - you wrote this:
As my foot-steps bring me close to the shore
I loose myself into the sound of crashing waves
Throwing lather everywhere
And withing moments
I'm surrounded by this vast expanse of white

Here's what I would do:
As my foot-steps bring me close to shore
I lose myself in the sound of crashing waves
Throwing lather everywhere
Within moments
I'm surrounded by this expanse of white

All I did was take out some of the unnecessary "the's, to's and repetitive words like "vast" (since you're referring to the whiteness as an expanse, it already implies its vast-ness). I also fixed a few misspellings - "loose" should be "lose" and "withing" should be "within." I would encourage you to use this tightening technique on the whole poem - getting rid of the small or redundant words will make the imagery more vivid and make the words stand out more in the reader's mind. You can do this by putting together some of your lines, too:

After a brief ride to the nearby island
Where I play with the birds, building my own sand-castles,
And to a hidden reef
I never knew about before
I'm back to my place

The sun is retiring behind its blanket of clouds

All I did was put together some of the lines to keep the similar ideas together (I also got rid of that other "and" because it causes some confusion in the sentence and I switched the "built" and "played" to present tense, because the rest of the poem is in present tense too) and add a space between the "back to my place" and the bit about the sun, because at that point the poem takes a slightly different focus. (Also, the "it's" should be "its." :-))

All you really need to do is tighten up the imagery and rethink your line breaks (and fix the spelling and grammar mistakes) and it'll make an okay poem quite good! :-) Can't wait to see the second draft!

[Helen Woodward]

Sounds like paradise to me Siya, I could quite happily wile away the hours in this deftly written piece chockers with imagery...in my head I am there!
Great effort, thumbs up from me...
Withing...within?
Helen :-)

[*Kantola*]

This was a fantastic poem! Everyone daydreams, and no one wants to ever lose that. You used your words well, and made me visualize everything in the poem. I enjoyed reading this poem.

No one ever wants to stop being a kid, and going to have fun, and going to the beach to build a sand castle, and no one ever wants to stop wanting to be a MERMAID! Hell, it'd be cool to have a tail! lol.

I enjoyed this poem. *FAVS* This piece was fantastic, probably your best!!!!!

[Rave]

i loved it and glad you sent it to me as a read
sorry i haven't replied
im only on this short time
i need to get more done
till then just send me your work and ill happily read and give my opinion

[Face In A Crowd]

Yeah, nobody cares about rhymes. You meant this from the heart.

I've been told before, that you can NOT get poetry wrong no matter what you do. For it is always a work of art. You remember that.

[Carole]

Very imaginative, Siya! You used a lot of great imagery in this piece and I enjoyed it very much. Just a couple of corrections you will want to make, but otherwise, a dynamite piece of how you steal away into that place of relaxation. Hugs, Carole

[AmeliaRose]

it's really really pretty, i like all the details. it flows like a song too. and even if someone tells you to correct this, it's from the heart and you shouldn't change your heart to write poetry. Poetry is at it's best when it's pure. great job!

[closed]

WOW! I loved it this piece is very beautiful, also creative. My favorite line would have to be ,
"It energizies me to live life to its fullest

And forget my problems"

[closed]

WOW! I loved it this piece is very beautiful, also creative. My favorite line would have to be ,
"It energizies me to live life to its fullest

And forget my problems"