Ten Minutes

playing around w/ slant rhyme

Left the house

Ten moments from this,

When hearts are all that I could miss,

And summer games are just

An extended wish,

 

Left the house

Ten moments from this

With just a wish

Just a wish,

And this

 

This

This

And This:

When hearts are all that I could miss,

For nothing else comes as close

To the thorn of a long-stemmed rose

 

Left the house

Ten moments from this,

Already missing

Already wishing,

 

Already fishing

For the words to say

When life has gone back to

Day-to-day

 

Left the house

Ten moments from this,

And wishing

I could stop my memory

From missing ahead of time

 

Hoping

Ten minutes more to find.

 

Reviews

[Susan S.]

I only have just a couple of things to note. Most of it had both the rhythm and the rhyme I love. It starts pretty strong in the first two lines and I love the this
this
this segue. No, I take it back. I love that entire stanza. It has the rhythm I think you were trying for in the first stanza. Specifically, the line "And summer games are just an extended wish." seems to have gone wrong. It's almost there but the beat doesn't quite match the other stanzas or it's precursor.

We get the same problem in the last stanza at, "And wishing | I could stop my memory|From missing ahead of time" The overall feeling here is one of hurrying. Did you mean it to be that way? I know the words seem to want to drag, but the way the poem is constructed it feels like a rush to the end. My impression anyway.

Well done.