Far From Me

Wishing for someone to understand yourself.

I am here,

but where are you?

Are you drowning in this world too?

Roaming the world in search of each other,

our bodies and souls meant to mingle together. 

Stars gather amid the navy blue sanctity,

as people clatter in the throngs of the city.

Not yet realizing my own strength and power,

I lay naked beneath the moon's sacred shower.

It forces me to shed ideals and undress

and find the point of my distress.

My soul tries to balance in the wind

and tries to clarify the moment I dwell within.

You are a distant star

embedded in the sky afar.

Set among the millions, unable to grasp,

on stale soil, I'm about to collapse.

If only we could find each other,

bodies and souls meant to mingle together. 

Reviews

[Wórdsmíth]

Admirable lines: "I lay naked beneath the moon's sacred shower.
It forces me to shed ideals and undress
and find the point of my distress..."

Very nice choice of words. Liked the depth of your insights. Good work.

[AnnaMae]

thanks! :)

[will19008]

There really is some strong imagery in here and lyric choice of words. 'I lay naked beneath the moon's sacred shower/It forces me to shed ideals and undress' is very powerfully written. 'On stale soil, I'm about to collapse/I'm a blank slate of sadness'--very nice stuff. It's only the rhyming that at times seems somewhat artificial. I would advise you not to restrict yourself unless it feels natural. If you find yourself searching simply for a rhyming word, there's probably a far better choice. Again, nicely done!

[AnnaMae]

Yeah, i particularly am not crazy about rhyming sadness with madness and sanctity with city. They feel almost too forced, but i could not seem to find exact words that fit well. Hmm, thank you for the compliment and critique. It always helps. :)

[SquinklaPsyOps]

I think you have a very interesting premise here that is completely brilliant.

Your concept of flow is very good and your descriptions are excellent.

[AnnaMae]

Thank you very much. :)

[Shane Hogan Poetry]

This is a really nice piece! I really like how you captured the human need to feel present and connected to something, someone who can make you feel alive. Well Done :)

[AnnaMae]

awesome, thanks :)

[@zeewhykay]

From the first lines, I knew this was going to be a good piece. You balanced imagery with self reflection smartly. I also appreciated your alliteration, intentional or unintentional. It read itself very well. Great job !

[AnnaMae]

thank you! it means a lot. :)