Lost Girl

"just thoughts into words"

They said,
Moon , the ultimate beauty on planet,
She waited, many sleepless nights,
To drink up the whole vibe.
Her innocense levelled high,
She quit the fight!

They said,
Sun , the supreme and powerful .
She waited to attend all lights,
Baring those ugly skins, as coal mines!
Her power got soaked,
She did not reply!

They said,
He loves her, like no one,
Like god, like never fraud .
She waited, every mini second,
When he was abroad, creating workside,
Her charm failed, her glow faced hailstorm,
Who knew, her hands are replaced!

They said,
Heavenly breath is unconscious,
Insane in ways like none.
She waited, counting every stroke
Even heaven denied the calculation,
As she could not add the last one!

They said ,
Corpses are meant to be burnt,
She waited to reach final destination,
The ashes, not moved yet,
Since the time of her cremation!

Reviews

[Ted Kniffen]

Pretty good, Sneh. A bit otherworldly which I like. L5 V1 - innocence
L4 v2 - those ugly skin suggests a plurality, so either that ugly skin or those ugly skins.
L2 V5 same issue with plurality.
All in all a very good piece.
Keep writing, there is talent here.

[LylaCrystal]

I admit, I got lost while reading your poem. It was that good. My selenophile side loved it. Great job!

[LitStar]

your poetry is on a different level sneh

five stars for this one

[Sneh]

Thanks much dear :)

[TerryDarcy-Ryan akaSh..]

Amazing, this is alive and with a bitter cold movement exposes death for the reader. Amazing Poetry!

Sheer Terror

[Sneh]

Means a lot.. Thank you! :)

[TerryDarcy-Ryan akaSheerTerror]

You are welcome

[Abhishek Izy]

I like the imagination you brought along with this write. Loved the piece and how you wrapped a complexity into this one

[Sneh]

Thank you :D

[Ventura]

Lost. A word I can definitely relate to. This book I am writing is actually called Ramblings and Musings of a Lost Girl. It deals with the very struggle that makes up this poem. Very moving.

[Sneh]

Thanks a lot Tura....would love to go through your work :)

[Robert Trakofler]

what an interesting voice in here very contemplative tone... Ted covered the tenses issue your voice is evolving Sneh:) I would also suggest in first verse to say to drink up the whole vibe and not vibes it would flow better. But I have to say that the ideas that you put in motion are very lovely :)

[Sneh]

Hey bunny, thanks for the review, i have rectified the errors .

[CBH]

"Like god, like never fraud", not sure why I love that line so much, but it just keeps repeating in my head! Only thing that would have been cool in that stanza would be some sort of noun in the second line. Your other stanzas have Moon, Sun, Heaven(ly), and Corpse (to which I find the comparison unique). Some sort of similar transition would have been neat to add!
Much love, Cassidy

[Sneh]

My heartiest thanks to you, miss cassidy.....glad you liked my words...keep smiling always :)
Love
Sneh

[barleygirl]

Since I've been focusing on "letting go" and releasing my expectations about life, your poem really resonates. Great examples of various things we get in our heads, with expectations, & then we think things have gone awry when those expectations are not realized. Instead of seeing the beautiful new situation that could be emerging, we get stuck on the part where life didn't turn out like we thought. This is a very sophisticated way to SHOW instead of telling. Your English has a few bumps, I hope you won't feel offended if I offer a few possibilities below (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

V1: "drink up the whole vibes" . . . could be "drink up all the vibes" or "abundant vibes"
V2: "those ugly skin" (awkward) . . . could be "that ugly skin" or "much ugly skin"
V3: "like never fraud" (same) . . . could be "never a fraud"

[Sneh]

Thanks dear !
Keep supporting always and yea i will look over and handle the errors.... :)

[Neville]

I like this.. I like it a lot... maybe a little tweak here and there if you really feel it necessary, but I think it is quite charming the way it presently reads..... N :)

[Sneh]

How energetic i feel right now.....heartfelt gratitude !! :)

[Neville]

you are most deserved and welcome...

[emmajoy]

Seems time and hope sometimes defeats yearning for a gentle perfection. Life is there, wearing its different faces, light, dark and all. Your character, the one you use here, seems to need so strongly.. so emotionally, the need is near suffocated, drowned, negated. What remains is - just maybe, her own footsteps. This is a dramatic and powerful write.. your writing grows each time i read it.. and sincerely apologise for not visiting for quite a while, Sneh

[Sneh]

Emmajoy, there is warmth in your words....Thanks for being kind .... Your effort really means a lot!
Good day :D