Lovely Universe

I can feel this tussling loneliness in my bones, struggling to withdraw from the opposing walls of my bones.
The nights I don't feel alone are generally when I'm in my bed of flowers, the rollicking wind looming from my window is kissing my unembellished skin while it plays with my hair as I feel something telling me to stop agonising and to just breathe.
I recognise that I'm very comforted by the universe at 3 am.

-m.a

28 July 2014 //

Author's Note

This is a little something I kind of memorised while I was in bed, hoping id remember it the next morning so I could write it down. I think it turned out okay. I would love to get se feedback, or any advice. :)

Reviews

[Glen Yumang Manese]

As for doing this the next morning and laying down the words...I do that at times..yet I get up and put them down...or I cannot go back to sleep...as for feedback...this needs some life...the intent is there...we all can do that by simply writing it down...that's the easy part...by life...I mean the scheme of things...how to make the reader see what's being translated not just in words alone --- but the design comes into play:

I can feel this tussling loneliness in my bones, struggling to withdraw from the opposing walls of my bones.
The nights I don't feel alone are generally when I'm in my bed of flowers, the rollicking wind looming from my window is kissing my unembellished skin while it plays with my hair as I feel something telling me to stop agonising and to just breathe.
I recognise that I'm very comforted by the universe at 3 am.
---
I can feel this tussling
Loneliness in my bones,
Struggling to withdraw
From the opposing
Walls of my skeleton.

The nights I don't feel alone
Are generally when I'm
In my bed of flowers,

The rollicking wind looming
From my window
Is kissing my virgin skin
While it plays with my hair
As I feel something telling me
To stop agonizing
And to just breathe.

I recognize that
I'm very comforted
By the universe at 3 am.

---

just a touch up...but you can play with it more...its just IMPO...and observation of your work...

[Mary]

Wow thanks! I take all advice into consideration. Although I'd rather have "unembellished skin" there instead of "virgin". But I do like the skeleton replacement. Have a great day :)

[Glen Yumang Manese]

you're welcome...

[Roger Turgeon]

You might trying a word other than "bones" twice....maybe "soul" for the first one. Long sentences are sometimes distracting...maybe add a period after "bed of flowers". Here's hoping you find restful sleep before 3AM in the future.

[Mary]

Thank you for your help! :) I posted this poem from my phone and I was aware that it was in long sentences but hopefully in the future I'll use my laptop when I'm on this site. :) thank you once again. Have a great day.

[Blogger]

Very nice! I think you should space out your words a bit in your post. It would make it easier to read and......space here is free!

But I like the insight and your flow here.

[Mary]

Thank you! I'll take your comment into consideration. I was very aware my post wasn't spaced out, I posted it from my mobile. But hopefully I'll use this site on my laptop to space my words out better. Have a great day :)