Falling stars feel shame

Yesterday I was one god swamped by a pantheon. Our clay children pined for justice while imagining us wielding it behind the stars. Locked away behind the purple satin of the night I was captive to the gaze of those moulded crudely in my shape. They told their children stories about us, first of all thankful, then as generations rose and fell they became doubtful. As we failed to intervene we built up squat huts of recrimination with bricks of murder and accident. Endless death gave them hunger, and their knowledge of our creation helped them to realise, in their eager briefness, that the gods prized them as mere trembling moments of toil. Surer than any weapon, their disbelief weakened us.

 

Today I left that behind, for I cast myself out and let my godhood burn from me in a falling star’s trail. Now I look up seldom. Neither do I look over my shoulder, for I know what is coming: but at least I can now tell my children I love them.

Reviews

[Book Publisher on the M..]

Yesterday I was (one god swamped by a pantheon) [Reword]. Our clay children pined for justice while imagining us wielding it behind the stars. Locked away behind the purple satin of the night I was captive to the gaze of those moulded [did you mean molded?] crudely in my shape. They told their children stories about us, (first of all thankful) [awkward phase and disrupts flow], then as generations rose and fell they became doubtful. As we failed to intervene we built up squat huts of recrimination with bricks of murder and accident. Endless death gave them hunger, and their knowledge of our creation helped them to (realise) [misspelled], in their eager briefness, that the gods prized them as mere trembling moments of toil. (Surer than any weapon) [awkward, especially the phrase “Surer than any weapon], their disbelief weakened us.

 

(Today I left that behind) [reword], for I cast myself out and let my godhood burn from me in a falling star’s trail. (Now I look up seldom) [You could use a metaphor to establish the point]. (Neither do I look over my shoulder) [awkward sentence], for (I know what is coming) [don’t tell the reader you know what is coming— be descriptive and elegant] but at least I can now tell my children I love them.

THE GOOD: I loved the line, “… let my godhood burn from in a falling star’s trail. You obviously have talent and it is evident that you tried very hard on this.
Another good line, “Our clay children pined for justice while imagining us wielding it behind a story.

Constructive Criticism- It is obvious to me that you have this story in your head and I think you have trouble getting it down on paper in a format that flows with ease. Although I marked the paper up, I am doing so from a professional assessment. I think you write very well and I would not waste my time on this unless I saw a great deal of potential. Remember to eliminate words that do not give the story substance.
One impressive aspect of this short story is that you wrote something that in a very limited amount of words and most people will never be able to achieve this. Keep trying! I like what you write!
I had to read it several times because the meaning was not clear at first. If a reader has to reread work— you have lost them. Overall, not bad, and I believe you can do even better or I would not waste my time! Do not get discouraged by the markup. You have a great deal of potential! The subtly and train of thought shows talent!

Keep writing!

Kind Regards,
Max
 

[GeorgiaR]

I really enjoyed reading this. I thought the language was fantastic, and the imagery was great.
Reminds me of Ozymandias by Percy Byshee Shelley!

[Patrick Jinks]

A fine monologue. Very impressive imagery and metaphoric use.

[Davidc]

I liked the use of language, it gave you a sense of disappointment and disenchantment with a creation made with such high hopes. In the last paragraph it seems to suggest a need to prove existence, and how we live in a world were now seeing is believing and blind faith and hope seem to of become something of a myth

[PWyates]

Amazing use of language, truly felt like I was reading the words of a true god. I try and fail to achieve such grandiose constantly.

[BarryL]

I like this a lot. The language used is rich, descriptive and appropriate to the agelessness of the protagonist. the only part I wonder about is the sentence beginning "as we failed to intervene..." I'm not sure why, perhaps it's because the rest of the story reflects his/her shame rather than the collective pantheon or maybe it interrupts the rhythm that flows through the writing. Regardless, It didn't detract from my enjoyment of the piece.

[kitish]

This is a beautiful depiction of falling from grace, yet becoming something more than you were. Stepping down from the pedestal is the only way to connect with people meaningfully. I love the imagery and the tone throughout. Thank you for sharing.

[Darksource]

As Crow Splat has Already stated, the authoritative language makes it feel like a god is really talking about his creation of humans and adds a really interesting idea of what god would be thinking of us now, whether he is real or not.

[Crow Splat]

I liked it. I felt that the language of it lent credibility. I felt like I was listening to someone speak who was actually, formerly a god.

You did a good job conveying the sense that the gods needed man but regarded them with disdain at the same time. A fairly common theme in tales revolving around the decline of monotheistic religions.

I am curious, in the last paragraph, in relinquishing his/her status as a god, does the narrator become mortal as well? I would think they do, and it is that combined with humanity no longer being a "necessary evil" that would bring them to say that they now love their children.

[Joel]

I did a story like this but it was a silly story. I like the tone you strike though it's 'vagued up' to the point of being poetry. 'gods prized them as mere trembling moments of toil. Surer than any weapon, their disbelief weakened us.' Does the first sentiment (that the gods didn't care about people) contradict the second sentiment? (that people weakened the gods through disbelief? If you're showing one led to the other, I'm a dull reader and need a transitional thought.

Also: SWAMPED by a pantheon: was this intentionally getting me to think about very high and very low places?

[Saki]

Intriguing. I like the embracing of the inevitable mixed with the fondness of the last lines.