Falling stars feel shame

Yesterday I was one god swamped by a pantheon. Our clay children pined for justice while imagining us wielding it behind the stars. Locked away behind the purple satin of the night I was captive to the gaze of those moulded crudely in my shape. They told their children stories about us, first of all thankful, then as generations rose and fell they became doubtful. As we failed to intervene we built up squat huts of recrimination with bricks of murder and accident. Endless death gave them hunger, and their knowledge of our creation helped them to realise, in their eager briefness, that the gods prized them as mere trembling moments of toil. Surer than any weapon, their disbelief weakened us.

 

Today I left that behind, for I cast myself out and let my godhood burn from me in a falling star’s trail. Now I look up seldom. Neither do I look over my shoulder, for I know what is coming: but at least I can now tell my children I love them.

Reviews

[Book Publisher on the M..]

Yesterday I was (one god swamped by a pantheon) [Reword]. Our clay children pined for justice while imagining us wielding it behind the stars. Locked away behind the purple satin of the night I was captive to the gaze of those moulded [did you mean molded?] crudely in my shape. They told their children stories about us, (first of all thankful) [awkward phase and disrupts flow], then as generations rose and fell they became doubtful. As we failed to intervene we built up squat huts of recrimination with bricks of murder and accident. Endless death gave them hunger, and their knowledge of our creation helped them to (realise) [misspelled], in their eager briefness, that the gods prized them as mere trembling moments of toil. (Surer than any weapon) [awkward, especially the phrase “Surer than any weapon], their disbelief weakened us.

 

(Today I left that behind) [reword], for I cast myself out and let my godhood burn from me in a falling star’s trail. (Now I look up seldom) [You could use a metaphor to establish the point]. (Neither do I look over my shoulder) [awkward sentence], for (I know what is coming) [don’t tell the reader you know what is coming— be descriptive and elegant] but at least I can now tell my children I love them.

THE GOOD: I loved the line, “… let my godhood burn from in a falling star’s trail. You obviously have talent and it is evident that you tried very hard on this.
Another good line, “Our clay children pined for justice while imagining us wielding it behind a story.

Constructive Criticism- It is obvious to me that you have this story in your head and I think you have trouble getting it down on paper in a format that flows with ease. Although I marked the paper up, I am doing so from a professional assessment. I think you write very well and I would not waste my time on this unless I saw a great deal of potential. Remember to eliminate words that do not give the story substance.
One impressive aspect of this short story is that you wrote something that in a very limited amount of words and most people will never be able to achieve this. Keep trying! I like what you write!
I had to read it several times because the meaning was not clear at first. If a reader has to reread work— you have lost them. Overall, not bad, and I believe you can do even better or I would not waste my time! Do not get discouraged by the markup. You have a great deal of potential! The subtly and train of thought shows talent!

Keep writing!

Kind Regards,
Max
 

[Sir Drift & Mr. Pulse]

This is awesome. I'm a fan of astrology stories but this was pretty different. I loved that part "let my godhood burn from me in a taking star's trial." Like that phrase a lot! Would love your opinion on a story of mine.

[_Ally_]

Great piece.. I love your reference "built up squat huts of recrimination with bricks of murder and accident."

Thank you for sharing.

[Philip Muls]

God deciding to become man, fascinating. "...for I cast myself out..."

This should be the start of something bigger.

I especially like the part 'As we failed to intervene...". So Gods can become frustrated as well by people losing all belief in them because of what is happening in the world.

Well done !

[Celie Rose]

Very interesting. It really moved me. I felt the sadness but there is always a lesson to learn. It called wisdom. Am looking forward to reading more of your writing.

[Stafford Battle]

Very interesting piece. I will read more of your writing. I wonder how the other Gods responded.

[daninstockholm]

An intriguing piece, It reminds me of the inevitable despair when one generation realizes the failures of their parents, and the inevitability of their own in turn, how we lower our expectations when we are forced to look in our own mirror. Very well done!

[EileenM]

Wonderful imagery. There is such sadness woven into wisdom, of freedom in failure. You've brought it out beautifully. I keep re-reading just to marvel at your words.

[Samaira]

This is really good. I had to read it twice to figure out exactly what it meant. I like how you portray belief to be important. Because i do believe that You need to put in faith in something/someone in order to give it strength.

[Taylor]

This is very poetic and an extremely interesting perspective. It also is very mysterious. I think I know what it's about but I'm not entirely sure. Nevertheless, it held my interest. Thank you for sharing it.

[Nyu]

Fascinating the way you write is really something that needs to be read. In a story-like manner you manage to create such a great atmosphere and give your reader truths. I love it.