Falling stars feel shame

Yesterday I was one god swamped by a pantheon. Our clay children pined for justice while imagining us wielding it behind the stars. Locked away behind the purple satin of the night I was captive to the gaze of those moulded crudely in my shape. They told their children stories about us, first of all thankful, then as generations rose and fell they became doubtful. As we failed to intervene we built up squat huts of recrimination with bricks of murder and accident. Endless death gave them hunger, and their knowledge of our creation helped them to realise, in their eager briefness, that the gods prized them as mere trembling moments of toil. Surer than any weapon, their disbelief weakened us.

 

Today I left that behind, for I cast myself out and let my godhood burn from me in a falling star’s trail. Now I look up seldom. Neither do I look over my shoulder, for I know what is coming: but at least I can now tell my children I love them.

Reviews

[Book Publisher on the M..]

Yesterday I was (one god swamped by a pantheon) [Reword]. Our clay children pined for justice while imagining us wielding it behind the stars. Locked away behind the purple satin of the night I was captive to the gaze of those moulded [did you mean molded?] crudely in my shape. They told their children stories about us, (first of all thankful) [awkward phase and disrupts flow], then as generations rose and fell they became doubtful. As we failed to intervene we built up squat huts of recrimination with bricks of murder and accident. Endless death gave them hunger, and their knowledge of our creation helped them to (realise) [misspelled], in their eager briefness, that the gods prized them as mere trembling moments of toil. (Surer than any weapon) [awkward, especially the phrase “Surer than any weapon], their disbelief weakened us.

 

(Today I left that behind) [reword], for I cast myself out and let my godhood burn from me in a falling star’s trail. (Now I look up seldom) [You could use a metaphor to establish the point]. (Neither do I look over my shoulder) [awkward sentence], for (I know what is coming) [don’t tell the reader you know what is coming— be descriptive and elegant] but at least I can now tell my children I love them.

THE GOOD: I loved the line, “… let my godhood burn from in a falling star’s trail. You obviously have talent and it is evident that you tried very hard on this.
Another good line, “Our clay children pined for justice while imagining us wielding it behind a story.

Constructive Criticism- It is obvious to me that you have this story in your head and I think you have trouble getting it down on paper in a format that flows with ease. Although I marked the paper up, I am doing so from a professional assessment. I think you write very well and I would not waste my time on this unless I saw a great deal of potential. Remember to eliminate words that do not give the story substance.
One impressive aspect of this short story is that you wrote something that in a very limited amount of words and most people will never be able to achieve this. Keep trying! I like what you write!
I had to read it several times because the meaning was not clear at first. If a reader has to reread work— you have lost them. Overall, not bad, and I believe you can do even better or I would not waste my time! Do not get discouraged by the markup. You have a great deal of potential! The subtly and train of thought shows talent!

Keep writing!

Kind Regards,
Max
 

[....................]

Such a great, universal and thought provoking piece of writing. Kudos!

[Beyond Words]

Incredible! Great piece of work. Phrasing, word usage, thought provoking. It had a little of everything. Great write

[Lucifer Jones]

Strong imagery. A very unique take on a classic struggle and tale. I enjoyed the approach. I do feel a bit rushed. I don't know if that's due to your selection of phrasing and structure so much as simply a fast read. But I find no flaw and enjoyed it all 3 times I read it. So it's probably me... Well done.

[Adrian X Fuentess]

Good writing. I the imagery is clear. And I like the concept. The feeling of abandonment was overwhelming.

[rutherford]

Powerful classical images of struggle. The idea of being caste out also a powerful end.

[isus]

yea, you have potential ......

[Kleio13]

a truly caring write. i think you have "poetential"

[~Beautiful Dreamer~]

This is amazing! Makes me think about history

[tuvi]

TLK ,

your words drove me back to the history where questioning the synagogue was beyond a sin .....

thanks,
tuvi