Forgive me

 

Dear Heavenly Father:

 

     I don't really know if this is a prayer or not, but here goes.  I called out to you sometime ago.  I asked for something and I felt like you didn't hear me.  As time went on, I remember that I continued to prosper and hurt with delusions of grandeur.  And then, before I knew it, you gave me what I asked for.

 

     The new adventure brought me fame and simulated gaiety, no extra money, although the occasional worldwide review and mere monetary accolade made it worth my commitment.  Day after day I entered only to realize that I had reached the end, the top, as high as I could go with the task.  Three years filled with delusions of grandeur, yet, I got what I asked for.  It took me three years to realize, after all the sneers and jeers of those I aided telling me to invest in myself for a while, that I had lost myself.  I lost me.  I used to like me.  I know I still do.  I actually thought that I was doing good maintaining a status.  But the status was for the work I was doing.  My reputation is what I myself needed to maintain.  Fame.  I had it.  It was wonderful.  It felt wonderful.  I, on the other hand, was miserable.  Yet, I made millions...it just wasn't for me and my family.  I didn't even collect a bonus.

 

     Now, I don't really know if this is a prayer.  It may even be a confession.  Am I wrong to just walk away from all the so-called glory?  No fail-safe.  No other support.  It took some time for me to stop cringing everytime the phone rang or an email alert appeared.  I wanted me back.  Even if it was going to call for me being frugal for a while.  At least I was going to try and find myself.  Please do not dismiss me for throwing in the towel for what may have appeared to be a promising gig.  The weight gain, the sleepless nights, the headaches were all part of my appetite for destruction.  I sought and I found.  I asked and you answered.  While I continued for the three painstaking years there, I was revered as though I was you.  Day after day, I did it.  I was on auto-pilot.  Then, I fell asleep and crashed. 

 

     I hear that my passengers were slow to recover there.  I feel as though I died when I crashed.  I died in the sense that I needed a new beginning...away from the place where perfection meant everything to those I catered to.  After time, I am sure that my space has been filled with someone who desired my title.  I just hope they know what they are getting themselves into.  I died so that I could start over.  You died for me.  Will you please forgive me for what I have done?   

 

 

Signed,

Your child