The Barren Man

 

She tossed and she turned

 at night

He watched

She murmured so passionately

 

He listened for his name

 

He rolled over

and tried to enter her dream

 

But it was no use

Her pants were too hard

 too loud in color

So, he waited

 

He listened for his name

 

When it was all over

he asked himself if it was all about him

 

Eight and a half months later

So in awe of the dark hair and blues eyes

 staring so distantly at him

she said that he looked just like him

Everybody said he looked just like

 him

 

He and his work buddy

 could double

So glad that he did not tell him

 that he was barren

 

It would have ruined everything

 

 

Reviews

[vukcic]

"Her pants were too hard" - I love that line for some reason.

I like the disconnected feeling I get from the speaker of the poem. It suits the mood of the piece well. I've been reading/commenting on a lot here lately, and I can honestly say that I like your stuff much more than a lot of stuff here. If you can read my comments on others' work, you should. I get downright mean. But I can't help it. It's just bad writing. Yours though is very good.This has a lot of emotion, and everything (form, diction, etc.) works together seamlessly.

[J.S. Pua]

nice write..
good job..

[the-One-with-the-Darkne..]

I very much enjoyed this! You are an increbile writer. You talent is amazing. I have tot agree with vukcic, alot of writers on here arent incredible but you are. You are a very very amazing writer.

[GBU POETRY ONLY]

There's lots of playfullness & humor that flows off the page ....
I liked the lines: "He rolled over and tried to enter her dream"
and the verse: "But it was no use Her pants were too hard too
loud in color .. So, he waited"
Interesting use of barren with man .... Most think of women
when using it but it's good to toss people's minds once in a while..
I do when I can ... Good job, TTBoy! GBU

[KaySea]

wow

[Gracie-San]

Oh, wow, the twist at the end was perfect for the ambiguity that the verses had. It was quite a great write! :)

[Leanne Conway]

Nice write dude..