Mr. Gravestone And The Spirit Of Vengeance - An Epic Tale Chapter 1

It was a dark and snowy summer's morn full of warmth and sunshine and Philip and his older brother Jimbo were walking to the town arcade where they had been planning to visit since the day their mutual friend Vince's sister's sister was born. They fortunately had a five dollar bill which they had received from Ted after running his pockets. Jimbo could hardly contain his excitement; Philip couldn't care less given that he is blind and deaf. Jimbo was planning on making his brother play Pac-man and let the festivities and jubilation commence. Upon entering the cade of ar, they both dashed to the change machine to turn their hard earned currency into little circular metal disks which we will call coins to protect their anonymity. Once the bill was placed into the machine it shot out five dollars worth of coins, but, it didn't stop there, the coins started shooting out every where. The children started scooping up their bounty, but, the woman running the joint started screaming "Leave those alone! Those are mine! Put those down!" The children obeyed immediately. This is where I come into the fold. I kicked in the door F.B.I. style screaming "THE DAY OF RECKONING IS UPON YOU!" I then stopped and looked at the charming young lads and said unto them "Don't take that s**t from this skeezer, grab the moneys and kill this lovely young sack of s**t." Jimbo shook his and Philips head making it abundantly clear they meant to "do the right thing" and leave the change and the clerk's head intact. But I didn't. I proceeded to grab a pencil, that fortunately for the clerk was laying by my feet, I then stabbed her in her face fifty-eight times then I set her on fire while giving her little eraser burns on her forearms with the other side of the aforementioned pencil. I then turned to the children and said calmly and sweetly "You have incurred my wrath, come hither and receive your mauling." Jimbo ran for the door abandoning his special needs/retarded brother. By the time he got to the door I was already waiting, seeing as I have super Jesus powers because I am the writer of this heart warming tale. I grabbed him by his countenance and swung him around slamming the back of his face into a rack of cute little postcards. I then brought him outside to my 1985 Cadillac Fleetwood Hearse, opened the back and placed his soft child's head where the door closes and began to smash his face with said door, two hundred and fifteen times to be exact. I then tied his feet to the back of my vehicle using about four yards of rope. The wheels that I peeled will go down in legend. We, that is Jimbo and I where coasting down the road at a leisurely ninety-five miles an hour. I then put on my best jet-skiing music and yelled out the wind ah "You ready Jimmy ol' pal?" He made no decipherable response, only a few gargling moans which I interpreted as "YEAH, GO FOR IT!" I then took a sharp turn going about eighty and watched as his body flew out in a wide arc taking out a few mailboxes (the big happy blue ones) and an old decrepit senior citizen who flew through the front window of a McDonald's from the impact. As this was all happening I shouted out to the McBuilding "Your days are numbered Ronnie!" while shaking a stern fist.
I returned to the arcade, Jim hitting his face on a few telephone poles on the way, and untied good ol' Jimbo and cut his head off with a guillotine that just happened to be lying around in the parking lot. I walked back into the arcade head in hand and launched it at Phil his late brother's dome at high velocities while he just stood there with little blotches of blood that the clerk rudely splashed on him. I wasn't going to kill the little f****r given he's a retard, but, I thought I might mess with him a bit.
After he recovered from the projectile that hit him up side the head, he picked up the head of his fallen comrade and tried to bounce it, thinking it was a ball. It actually got some good bounce! But, not the kind Philip was hoping for. I guess he was the type who thought "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again" because to my great amusement he repeatedly picked up the rouge noggin and kept slamming it to the ground. Too bad he couldn't hear the thuds. After about an hour of watching this I got bored and super kicked the head out a window. I put my hands on his shoulders to let him know his ball was gone.
I, looking for more fun decided to fart right on his face, and boy was it a ripe one, I still remember seeing his hair blow back and his tongue curl up because his mouth was open at the time. I guess his sense of taste must have been heightened to compensate for his eyes and ears. I decided to leave the little guy and reap vengeance elsewhere. As I was heading out the door I felt really bad for what I had just done and even said audibly "what am I DOING?" I then turned back and positioned my a*s in front of Phil's face again and produced a lighter from my pocket and lit it near my sphincter and blasted off another. To Philip's blind and deaf dismay, not only did my fart catch fire but his face was set a kindle as well! He started running around, running into walls and eventually right out the door into the waiting arms of a speeding Mack truck. Gee, I'm gonna miss that little invalid.
I decided to keep a promise, and, boys and girls Mr. Gravestone always keeps a promise if he feels like it. It was time to take down the empire of evil, McDonald's! So I jumped into the Gravemobile, backed out over Philips remains and headed down the street toward the overwhelming sense of McEvil. Lucky for Ronald, he was working the drive-thru this week. I rolled up in high style with my Hearse encasing me, and ordered some bu-s**t a*s food and grabbed one of my water guns that I filled with ammonia. As I slowly and deliberately rolled up to the window watching his smiley f*****g face come into view, I had to grin because I already knew how this was going to play out.