The Fighting of a Failure

My body shakes as I fight away tears,

As I fight away the urge to slice open my wrists,

Revealing blood that I wish would never stop.

I hold my breath as I try not to scream,

As I try to stay in control.

 

"Will I still get into heaven if I kill myself?"

 

I try to breathe but my lungs seem to have forgotten how.

I curl into a ball,

Clawing my bare legs with bitten nails,

Rocking back and forth,

Trying not to feel.

 

"Will I still get in, or will they send me to Hell?"

 

I try to fight the razor,

Fight the desire to end everything.

I couldn't cut deep enough if I tried.

I want to lie in a ball and bleed until I can't be saved,

But I can't even succeed at that.

Author's Note

The lyrics (in quotes) are from "King Park" by La Dispute