Thoughts on Rainy Days

Rainy Durban days.

Cold...
Autumn...
Rain...

Dropping from the dull sky
Draped with the blank clouds
In which the Sun hides.

I hear the rain trickle down
To the sweaty ground
That grows tired.

But the plants relish the rain
As it bears bare nutrients.
The rain nourishes the dry earth.

The damp land rests,
As the feet of people
Wrestle the indoors.

Indoors are the children
To whom the rain is villainous.
Taking away their playing time.

The rain is cold.
The rain is bare.
But the rain is life.

LIVE.

Author's Note

Don't Feed the Trolls.

Reviews

[CecilA]

Slbo x Poet

I love your simplistic yet comprehensive poem 'Rainy Days.' It is well composed and written. I especially like the lines: 'Indoors are the children to whom the rain is villainous; taking away their playing time.' and 'The rain is cold. The rain is bare. But the rain is life. LIVE.' I have a problem with: 'I hear the rain trickle down to the sweaty ground that grows tired.' Would you consider changing it to something like this: 'I hear the rain trickle down to the sweaty, tired ground.'? That might correlate better to line: 'The damp land rests as the feet of the people wrestle the indoors.' Would you consider changing that line to: 'The damp land rests as the feet of the people trample the indoors.? This is based on my conception that the land is tired of the trampling feet of the people. Is this the message you are trying to convey? This is not saying that what you have written is wrong. It's just my interpretation. I appreciate the opportunity to review you fascinating poem. You are not weird by the way. Sincerely, Cecil

[Sibling]

Your review is mightily CONSTRUCTIVE now I just dunno how ta edit it but I get what you're saying...infact it makes more sense.

[CecilA]

I assume that you are typing your work on a pc. If so, make a hard copy and then start a complete re write using that as your guide. Try the suggestions to see how they feel. I just reread it and have a couple more suggestions. Consider naming the clouds; cumulus or what ever your typical rain cloud formations are there. It adds showing rather than just telling. A blank cloud doesn't give me a visual impression. Describing the relationship of the earth to the trampling feet is unique and I believe you can show that better. Give us more visual as opposed to just telling us about it. Let us see those feet and how they impact the earth so that you stir up an emotional response for the tired earth; tired of being abused by all those feet. Maybe they have shoes that make a different impression that say a bare foot. Hard soles versus softer sneakers or sandals. I've never considered this before; it's very interesting. There is so much ado about our 'carbon footprints' but not about our footprints on the tired earth. Obviously you don't want to over do this point but reword it for impact and you've got a hook. I really like your portrayal of the children's sadness about being 'rained in.' Give us a visual of the children. Their facial expressions; frowns, tears, and pouts. Let is hear; complaints, howling, and crying. Is there lightning or thunder to cause any fear? Help us feel the mood of the people. Can we hear splashing, pounding, roaring streams or vehicles tires swishing on a pavement? Are there animals around? What is the duration of time? Is there a hint of sunshine peaking through those clouds or is this a seasonal storm of long duration? Are we in a residential neighborhood, at school, in the village, at a farm or in a park? Consider adding some dialog. This could be the beginning of a great poem. Have fun with it and get back to me. I'm fascinated about what you may present. Sincerely, Cecil

[Sibling]

Challenge accepted. Lemme turn a really good poem to an epic. And I use my phone for the sheer mobility it presents...that's probably WHY I can't edit but I'll repost