Cold Water

I'm not so sure about this. Having pondered it for weeks I think it's time to share. It's a piece I want to get right and use in the future so feedback and opinion is greatly appreciated :)

The earth spins around as we journey
through its ever changing times.
But we never feel it move.
One rainy night the colours of the sky
match the long and misty road.
The clouds move slowly past
the lurking crescent moon.
Watch its outline kindle gold
as we live this life to a lullaby.
Distant city lights like starlit souls
flicker in the darkness like
a million enflamed fireflies.

The urban streets are flooding up
with empty lives and rust
from decimated households and
from vacant lies and trust.
But daddy was a miner and
he gave me a heart of stone.
So stand up when the shadows
entrap you all alone.
And let the grace be your shelter
when the water pours down cold.
Until tomorrow, my darling
we dream of what the future holds.

Cold water, chilling rainfall in May.
Nightfall crystallize. A twist of faith.
Scorched shadows haunt the daylight
of hamlet roads when we see the sun.
Time slow down and show the beauty
of the world that I can’t see outdone. 

Reviews

[Bluefire]

This is a great poem, lyrically enchanting. It kept me in a trance until the very end.
I love the word choice and the strange story it conveys of a whole new world.
Well done!


P.S. When you wrote, "twist of faith" did you mean, "twist of fate?" Just wondering.

[TheJordBaker]

Thank you so much, glad you enjoyed it :) means a lot.
Yeah it was deliberate, so like a twist in belief rather than luck :)

[Bluefire]

I like that, keep up the good work. ^^

[.]

Wow this is a beautiful poem ,Jordan. The consistent flow and use of figurative language really paints a beautiful picture. Great job,dear friend :)

[TheJordBaker]

thank you Cord, always appreciated.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

at the end of the first stanza..."darkness like"

i would leave out that like..there is one in previous line..and just use the metaphor there...a bit stronger anyway...otherwise the first stanza is amazing...nice flow, beautiful imagery.
in second stanza second and third lines we are hit with a lot of "ands"

maybe in second line...after "lives" use comma instead of "and" "empty lives, rust"

just some thoughts...and pretty technical...but such a good piece.

[TheJordBaker]

thanks Jacob.
I'll take your tips on board when I do an edit.

Appreciate it my good man.