Gravity

This is the last poem for my new collection. When it came to me I knew if I got it right it would be perfect. I'm still a little unsure in parts so feedback will be adored :)

I used to dream of velvet skies,
soft to touch and faded blue.
They lit up fast with stars at night
and each and every one I knew.
Distant embers, flickering fireflies
and islands orbiting in floating seas.
I’m looking up with longing eyes
wanting to swim around the textile field
against the tide
and it’s no surprise.

Birds fly until their wings grow weak
and they must come down to sleep.
Show me plenty; show me conquest
and the rise of our sun
until my work on this planet is done.
Smile speciously and comfort me
like a parent to a child would.
I’ll jump from the tightrope
and stumble away.

As summer ends I cinder to break
and dream of white scattered ashes to come
and smile for all the virtue we’ve won.
The mourners arise, not knowing
as I revisit winter walks
and think back to those little talks
my mind would have.
When footsteps would grow heavy and frail
and beneath the bridge
the waters flow calm against the gale
and when I blink I see the
flowers on the harbour rails.

As rushing headlights pass you by
you bow your head, you hide your cries
and dream, dear one, of velvet skies
soft to touch and faded blue.
We’d float up there amongst that tide

but it takes so much more
than you.

Author's Note

As I say, I'm not overjoyed with parts of this but wanted it up for feedback to help me out. Any suggestions will be helpful :)

Reviews

[Mia]

SIGH! I’m glad you are back and posting again because when you write…I love to read! You are, or at least seem to be, so in tune with who you are and how you feel that you have an incredible amount of passion in your writing. No easing in…just BAM!
“I used to dream of velvet skies,
soft to touch and faded blue.”
And I didn’t breathe right until I got to the end!
“Smile speciously and comfort me
like a parent to a child would.”
I wouldn’t have included the ‘would’…it’s not a huge thing for me, just given the choice…
I’d go the other way!
Hello JB! I always forget to say hi...whoops :)

[TheJordBaker]

Hello Mia :D
Thanks very much, awesome review and just the sort of thing I was looking for. You're too kind to me!! Hopefully I can add another piece or two and stick around over the next few weeks :)

[Mia]

I say a very big enthusiastic yes!

[Mark Heathcote]

I like it, it was a like smooth gentle breeze crossing a mystical landscape.

[TheJordBaker]

thank you :)