A pain that never goes away

Wrote this one 2 years ago. It took 13 years to get this out.

A pain that never goes away

Again I was reminded of a pain that never goes away
Today I read a poem that touch me in a very familiar way
The poem reflected on the feelings of a young lady who lost her great grandmother... grandmother... grandfather in the space of two years
As I was reading this poem, her words became a window and i could see her tears
It took me back to a day I too remember as though it were yesterday
A few moments after finishing the last sentence, my mind began to stray
And I was inspired to write this...

Come November 4th it'll be 13 years to the day that we lost you
Even now I don't want to believe it's true
I can recall every detail as though it were yesterday
I could press play, rewind, or fast forward for the instant replay

Scene
Time: 11:23pm
Me... a first semester college freshmen in my dorm room settling in for the night
Early 8:00am class in the morning so trying to get to sleep before midnight
Already in the bed... lights out... on a cold night all up under the covers
Watching TV... chillin in my little twin bed... expecting at anytime to be disturbed by others
Phone rings... it's my father calling
Casual conversation at first but come to find out he was only stalling
His words accompanied by long drawn out sigh...  "Yeah sooo...... your grandfather passed away"

Muted the TV instantly because I KNOW I didn't hear him correctly

Silence...

What did you just say?  I replied in disbelief
For a few seconds I clenched my teeth
Like a flash of electricity surged through my body
Hard to explain how I felt
It was as though my heart was about to melt

He repeated what he said

TV off...
Silence in pitch black darkness with only the light from my clock radio shining

It was true... my grandfather was dead

I went numb... physically and emotionally
I asked.. How is mom, grandma, my aunt, and the rest of the family?
I didn't really have to ask because I knew the answer
He and my mom were extremely close
A father and his first daughter... I knew it'd effect her the most
I said... I'm getting on the next train
He said... there's no need to come so late
I figured he probably had enough on his plate

I asked to speak to my mom...
Could hear her crying in the background as he walked closer to their bedroom
I tried to comfort her, told her I loved her, and would be home soon
Even from the numb state I was in, hearing the pain my mom was in hurt me deeply
After we hung up I called my grandmother and aunt to check on them
By that time, they had already started to receive calls from other family and friends

After all calls were made, I retreated back into an indifferent mood
Sitting in darkness just reflecting in a void of solitude
Bare feet planted on the floor just off the bed
Both hands covering my forehead
Stinking deeper and deeper with each passing minute

Then... a light...
A light so bright from the door as though someone was opening a door to heaven
Blinding since my eyes had adjusted to the darkness since eleven

The voice of reality...
Sup n***a?
My boy G-mac makes his abrupt entrance
We rarely locked our doors and I was kind of glad in this instance
He saw me and immediately knew something was up
He asks... you aight?  what's wrong?
I replied... my grandfather is gone
He offered his condolences and said if I needed anything just let him know
Although he was talking and I was responding, I really just wanted to go
Go to the place I was before I got that call
A place where I can still see my grandfather standing tall
Always offering the purest form of unbiased wisdom I've ever known
Words that to this day I reflect on as I've grown

Real life... Real talk
Even though this might seem cute with all these clever little rhymes
This pain I feel never goes away
Thirteen years later this is the first time I've ever written anything about it
I always do my best never to live with any regret
However, the one regret I do have is one I have to carry with me for the rest of my life
Unfortunately there's no way to turn back time
The time I wasted before he passed I can never get back and I hate myself for that
No legitimate reason... there are no excuses that will ever allow me to forgive myself for this
The center of my family... the rock... gone and I never got to say goodbye
Grown a*s man and still I cry

If only I had the opportunity to tell you what you meant to me
That you inspire me
How much I respect you
How big of a stable and positive role model you were for a young kid growing up in a jungle
Tell you that I'm sorry
Ask for your forgiveness
And tell you that I love you

I wish you were here to see the things I've done
I wish you were here to still give me advice
I wish you could see your great grandson... you'd be so proud

-tides

Reviews

[Poetic Beauty]

Those thoughts always remain. I. Oils wire an account of the time my grandma passed amd one of when my grandpa did. Some memories always remain. This is a heartfelt story of lifespan.toughest moments

[deleted]

Absolutely breathtaking! IT is devasting when a loved one dies. I too sort of lost my grandparents the same way. They pretty much all died one after the other...devastating. It is good to know that you had the comfort of your friends and family there for you. I too, always wish that my grandparents could have saw someo of my accomplishments. You keep up the good work and that way you will know if they were here, they would definitely be proud of you. Very emotionally evoking piece! I enjoyed the read!