A Friend Named Lia

story about a girl who had an eating disorder

I have a friend. Her name is Lia. Nobody has ever seen her or met her, though if they did, they might say we look so identical, we are the same person. I keep her to myself so that nobody has to endure her wrath if she is uncomfortablr or angry. And when it comes to "advice", she'll be the first to assist me and guide me to "the right choice." She came into my life in the third grade, when I was the biggest and fattest. We were the same size, so I immediately started to follow her.

As kids, we didn't think too much about diet or exercise, but she would still always be around, bugging me about my size without any ideas on what to do to fix it. Nutritionists came to talk to our class about healthy eating and exercise habits when I was in fourth grade.

They say kids absorbe that kind of information at a young age, so it should be instilled then. Lia absorbed the information immediately. No snacks before bed, she would tell me. And I listened. Suck in your tummy so you look skinner. And I sucked. Enough with the chocolate chip cookies for breakfast. And I stopped.

Summer brings along pool parties and bathing suits. At the end of fifth grade, a classmate threw a pool psrty to celrbrate the end of the year. I would look in the mirror and notice my expanding stomach. Ew. I can't let the other kids see me in a bathing suit like this. So Lia saw my mom's magazine claiming a way to lose six inches in seven days. She did the math and told me I coud condense it so that my tummy would be toned for the party. I think I did an hour of crunches daily. And those thighs, Lia said, they're fat too. So I started to ride my bike. Exercisng until Lia told me to stop. I didn't feel too different, but Lia was convinced I couldn't be seen fat. I went to the party with my stomach the same size. I figured the magazine had lied.

At sixth grade, we hit our heaviest at 120 pounds. Lia, dissatisfied, began to bug me all the time. She listened intently in the requiered nutrition portion of our health class. Sugar, fat, and oil, Lia remembered. Sugar. Fat. Oil. Weight gain.

Now puberty had finslly ended and I began to lose weight. Lia notices my transformation and she looses weight too! She likes it- and the attention we get. "You've really thinned out!" "You're beautiful!" Was I that hideous before? Lia thinks so.

If we continue to lose weight, imagine the attention we'll get! Lia is such a genius! I can't imagine a better friend. Calories- I can count them and if I only eat a few, I'll stay skinny. What a solution. Five fruits and vegetables a day is the answer to a healthy you, Lia claims. Okay, I can do that. Bananas and raisens for breakfast. Two slices of bread, a piece of turkey, and five crackers for lunch. Smaller sizes at supper. No breakfast on the weekends. The less I eat, the more I'll lose, right?

This is fairly easy. I can see the results. I feel better about myself and Lia likes it a lot too. Okay, now how much do I weigh? Lia will take care of that too. Whenever I'm alone in the house, I go to the bathroom and weighj myself. 110 pounds! I've lost. Lia is so excited for me. I love it when she's happy. But I want this to happen quicker, so I can get down to 105 before Christmas. I can do it! Time to eliminate milk. I don't want to drink my few precious calories.

My parents are noticing my lessened meal size, especially when I refuse pizza which is our Friday night tradition. Uh oh. I'll tell them I'll do better and agree to a nutritionist. I can bluff my way through with Lia's help. She'll tell me what to say. After all, it's worked for the past seven years.

The appointment with the nutritionist goes well. Lia basically talks for me. We act oblivious to everything and "agree" to make the requiered changes. And incoperate exercise because it helps maintain your weight. Good information!

I take up running. I can't believe people enjoy this! Lia seems to like it. She tells me it's good for me and will make me skinny. Just the motivation I need. Breakfast is three-quarters of a cup of bran flakes that I measure quickly before Dad can catch me, berries, and a glass of milk. Lunch is down to two slices of bread, a teaspoon of peanut butter, and two stalks of celery. Sometimes, I'll have a Nutri-Grain bar, but only rarely because Lia yells at me. She tells me I look fat because of the extra calories. Oops. Dinner is the smallest chicken breast and lots of veggies. And forget about dessert- Lia says it's bad.

Going out to dinner is a breeze with the helpof Lia. I stop ordering my usual and claim "I can't eat that, I'll get heartburn", when, in reality, I don't even know what that feels like. "I had a huge lunch. I'll just get a salad, but no dressing, cheese, or croutons." I order tall glasses of water that will fill me up, but go right through me, so I still feel hungry. Lia and I love the hunger pain. It's the pain of sucess.....

I'm starting to feel weaker. My legs hurt when I'm only walking. I just want to sit down. Please don't make me get up. Lia makes me get up. BURN THE CALORIES she screams. And I listen.

Lia, just leave me alone, okay? She's getting on my nerves. She won't shut up about the calories. She's still fat, and thinks I am too. Even my normal diet of barely anything makes her mad. What do you want me to do? Starve??

I weigh myself again. `100 pounds!!! I want to hug Lia. I've never felt more powerful!

Lia, I'm serious this time. Please just be quiet. I can't focus on my schoolwork because you're counting calories too loud. I can't sleep because you're counting too loud. I can't do anything because you're COUNTING TOO LOUD!!!!

Lia, I look better n this shirt, right? Lia, stop calling me fat. No Lia, you're right- I am fat. I have to loose more.

People are giving me concerned looks. "Eat this." "I don't want it." It sounds more like a command when I'm offered a piece of food. Lia won't allow it. You're not hungry, she says, you're not hungry.

Lia and I are no longer friends. We seperated only just recently after months of counseling together. I learned a lot about her. She is a part of me that is evil and conniving, and her name isn't really Lia. It's Anorexia.