SPLIT MIND

A young man suffers from schizophrenia.

    There's a darkness in my mind. Painful to feel. I look out through tortured eyes. They're bleeding. Yes, they are bleeding. If I touch them I can feel the blood. My girlfriend told me they were tears. But she is lying. I look in the mirror and see the blood. I am afraid. Is God punishing me? Am I evil? Is God punishing me for some sins that I've committed?Am I a sinner? The blood still flows from my eyes.

      I look out the bedroom window. It is spring. The weather is warm and the sun is shining. I see people on the sidewalk below. They are looking up at me. How do they know I'm standing at the window? Can they hear my thoughts? They look at me with evil eyes, pure white eyes. I see their faces twisted with hate. They are going to kill me. Fearful, I step back from the window. I touch my face to see if my eyes are bleeding again. I feel no blood on my face. I feel a moment of relief.

     STUPID. STUPID. STUPID. Evil is calling me stupid again. My girlfriend tells me the voices are just my own negative emotions and thoughts about myself. My girlfriend is very smart, she has a BA from a prestigious private Catholic university. But she's wrong about this. The voices are Evil taunting me, torturing me. DUMB DUMB. The Evil is right, I am stupid and a dumb dumb.

      I can't go outside our apartment because the people look at me and see I am controlled by evil. They can see the fear in my eyes. They can see that I look strange. I cannot go outside. I can't look out the window because people see me and look at me with hate. Why they hate me  I don't know. I didn't do anything mean to them. I don't think I'm a mean person. But complete strangers see something dark in me. And they hate me. I am evil and they can see that in me. My hair is weird. I must cut it. If I don't people will think me a hippie. I stand in front of the mirror and see the fear in my eyes. If people look at me they will see the fear in my eyes.

      STUPID. STUPID. STUPID. The Evil in me screams in my head. I look over at my girlfriend sitting on the couch. I wonder why she can't hear the voices. She's watching some vampire TV show. I should sit beside her and watch the show with her. She'd like me to. She loves me. I love her. IDIOT. IDIOT. IDIOT. I am stupid and a dumb dumb and an. IDIOT. Yes I am.

      Outside I hear voices outside the open windows. HE'S UGLY AND STUPID. DID YOU SEE THE FEAR IN HIS EYES? HE HAS AN UGLY NOSE AND HIPPY LONG HAIR AND FUNNY LIPS. HE'S UGLY.  STUPID AND A DUMB DUMB. Why are they saying these things about me? I feel anger building in me. I want to go to the window and scream at the people saying these awful things about me. I feel rage building in me.

     I look at my girlfriend. I should go sit beside her on the couch. I know she loves me. She holds me, she kisses me, she makes love to me. I look at her and wonder if she really likes me? Does she really love me? Does she think I'm stupid? Suddenly I wonder about her. Then I hear the people outside the window again. HE'S AN IDIOT IF HE THINKS HIS GIRLFRIEND REALLY LOVES HIM. HE'S A STUPID SCARED HIPPIE. Then they laugh and laugh and laugh.

     I go to the window and stick my head out, meaning to shout at them. There's no one out there but a couple cars passing on the road. The wind rustles the leaves and a bird is singing loudly from the nearest tree's branches. I look up and down the street. Nope. No one is there.  Boy, they sure ran away fast. I return to the front room and sit on the couch beside my girlfriend. She looks at me and smiles and puts her hand on my thigh. I like that. I feel a sense of calmness flooding my body. I lean back and put my arm around her shoulders and tune into the TV program.

     Then coming from outside the apartment door I hear voices. I stiffen. STUPID BOY. STUPID BOY. SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. YOU DUMB DUMB. WHY WOULD SHE LOVE YOU? WHY WOULD ANYONE? STUPID. STUPID. STUPID. DUMB DUMB HIPPIE. I jump up from the couch and rush to the apartment door. My girlfriend asks me where I'm going. Don't you hear the voices outside the door, I asked her? No. She says. I ignore the sad look in her eyes as I peer out the peep hole. No one is there. DUMB DUMB Evil says to me. I am dumb, that's right. I am dumb. I turn away from the door. My girlfriend has gone back to watching the show but I see a tear on her cheek.

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

Great energy and depression in this story. I like the negative feel and desire of evil controlling his life. You create some good visions with excellent description and detail. No weakness in the outstanding story.
Coyote

[Black Cat Fever]

A very moving and tragic story of what so many people suffer. I think you wrote this very well...doing the subject matter justice.

[Eric Cox]

Excellent story.
A horrible thing for the characters to go through...paranoia's effect.
Penned movingly. Excellent work.

[Star Wolf]

A very powerful and compelling tale about someone suffering schizophrenia. This shows in a clear way how tragic the mental illness can be. Very moving, especially at the end.

[Wolf's Dark Song]

This sounds like a very sad and painful condition to have. Very tragic. You did a most wonderful job describing what the man was going through. Scary!