Bad Habit

I have developed a taste for a very distasteful desire. I haven't used it that often; I haven't even been around it for that long. But as of late, all I can find myself thinking about is the pipe. The excitement, the anticipation, the yearning to see it again, to see clarity. I love the ritual, I love the taste, I love the smell, I love the smoke and I want it all. And that's why I must stop. 

Late last night I was with a few old friends and not knowing that I had been smoking earlier that day and still not long before I saw them, when the topic came up, what they had to say about it was only bad. The signs are all there, only a fool would ignore them this blatantly. I am walking on tight rope and a gust of wind is heading my way and if I am not prepared, the fall is long and far below. 

I have chosen to face this alone for a number of reasons, one being my grandfathers looming defeat from a long battle with cancer. The family is already in a state of disarray, the only thing holding each of them together is, each other. Mum is on the verge of a breakdown, she's never handled stress well, but I've never seen her like this before. Dad’s financial struggles and debts render him sleepless. Even together they are barely able to carry the weight on their shoulders, they don't deserve anymore-unnecessary baggage. Rehab is not for me, rehab is for drama queens, and with my sister having a failed stint at an expensive rehabilitation-centre and naltrexone implants, all at their expense. For them, this will be the straw that breaks the camels back. They don't always do well, but they always mean it, I couldn't bear to bring that upon them. They deserve far better. I am not embarrassed to tell them, nor fear the consequences or reactions, although, I am ashamed. 

This is my demon, I created this monster, the blame lies in my hands and I will be the only person to suffer for it. Sariah does not know. It would break her heart; I have already put her through enough. Only one person knows but not the extent of my infatuation, and they have gone away on a spiritual journey to Nepal for the next few months, which leaves me resource less. This will not be smooth sailing, the skies are already dark and stormy, but I will beat the night’s sea and everyone will be none the wiser. I made my bed, now I'm going to lay in it. Sweet dreams.

Reviews

[VALENTINE]

This was briliant, wish it was longer bt then again all that needed to be said was. I am walking
on tight rope and a gust of wind
is heading my way and if I am
not prepared, the fall is long and
far below -great great line. And the ending was the icing on the meth cake.

[Judy]

Very strong emotions underly this entry regarding your issues with smoking

[Epipsychologist]

I hope this isn't non-fiction. I hate the world, and I don't think most people realize how addiction permeates society. we have this image of what an addict is, and it is totally wrong. You can be on top of the world. If a person comes out on the other side, they can be better for it. But we always forget how hard our tasks are once we've past them.

I hope this wasn't over-sympathetic.

[tyson]

Unfortunately it is. But sailing is smooth now. I am with you on every word that you are saying, it's a sad state of affairs, isn't it? I feel that I am better for it, obviously I'd have been far better off without it. But it's offered me a perspective that I can learn from and grow from. Not overly sympathetic at all, I appreciate the comment!