Brothers

I wrote this in my Creative Writing class for our Flash Fiction assignment.

His noble blood on my blade mimicked the stream that flowed down the hill we grew up near like veins. We use to swim in it every week.
The battle around us faded, time adjust itself to our moment; like if a time portal tore open where we stood.
His eyes on mine. Our memories flashed through my head. A story being read at the speed of light. Childhood friends until his betrayal.
Now I had the honor to kill him. His eyes closed, then mine. His face was the last picture in my head.
Was it dignity, or envy?

Reviews

[SEO]

This is extremely powerful. I think the last sentence is so hard hitting and also poses a really interesting question. I like the imagery that is presented in the first sentence but I think it needs to be combined/restructured with the second sentence somehow. Something like "His noble blood on my blade mimicked the stream that flowed down the hill which we used to swim in everyday." I think the "we grew up near like veins" is kind of awkward but I like it conceptually the image you're trying to produce is captivating but it took me a few reads to understand what you meant. Also I think the way the first couple sentences are written now, the "it" that's being referred to in the second one made me think you were saying they used to swim in his blood because it's vague. I think you accomplish a lot in this piece in a very short amount of space which is very commendable. There's enough information where you understand what's taking place but also allows the reader to draw their own conclusions such as did the betrayal have to do with a girl? Money? It's all very intriguing!

[Undeadjem]

This is the first comment I've had yet for this piece. Thank you for it because I didn't notice how vague some of it was until you mentioned it. Now, my eyes are drawn to them until I fix them. I think the whole Flash Fiction Assignment demanding me to only have a 100 word count, give or take ten, kinda pushed me to cut in some corners. I'll have to try and work a little harder into making it cut in the right spots more. Thank you so much! I'm excited to read some of your work tonight!!