I am not a person

TW derealization!!!

People know, generally, who they are. To a degree. No one knows who they are fully. Sometimes I don’t even think I know a singular thing about myself. It can be overwhelming.

I dread the day that everyone around me will wake up to the fact that I am a mirror of sorts. A chameleon. I change to blend in with those around me. I present a uniquely fake identity that for people to believe is who I am. 

For a while I used to believe it too.

Now, when I’m alone I feel empty. I need to constantly be consuming something, some form of content or connection, to feel real.

Not feeling like a person leads to a bunch of other issues too.

I barely make time to take care of myself. I only bathe because the warm water feels nice, especially when I’m in pain.

I don’t know who I was when I was younger. But I think they would be disappointed in the non-person I am now.

It feels like my identity got sucked into a black hole, or trapped under the worlds largest avalanche. And I don’t have the energy to dig it out, or the knowledge to bring it back.

You don’t have a lot to yourself when you become a mirror of the people around you.

You don’t even have yourself.

Reviews

[Ada]

Being a chameleon is a bit of a coping mechanism, since being seen as the outsider is never fun. Different people bring out different things in our personality; no deception there but it seems that we are most of who we truly are when we are alone. Interesting write