No Wonder

waiting for a day of excitement,

 like a dog waiting for its master

 in the summer heat tied to a leash,

  plenty of space to run and yet,

  out of reach

losing plot, because denial seems

 easier than realizing the meaning of an empty page,

tucked away, I'm hiding like I won't see the light of day.
  neglect.. anyway.

if I convince my sorry self that I don't need help.

like I'm better than everyone else. 

Stronger than any loser that ever walked the earth.

Rude that I don't see what I look like

other people work.
Immature, irresponsible, too outrageous to someday qualify to be

with one of these.
Woman can tell that I'm far removed

from learning a lesson that rings
 a wedding bell, 

 all I had to do

 was get out, not do very much.
not first, or best, try to be noticed.
Turns out I have a undeserved ego.

Illusions of granduer, my middle name.

 my selfesteem, so far away,

 cover it up, save place, noble?
Listening to the airwaves of what people say
what works,  throw the procedures away?

 mediocre and have no where to stay.
a shining example of incompetence. my only consistency half baked and as always running late.
it sounds sarcastic but its not funny how I go the wrong way.
no wonder good things are pretend
I should really consider following directions.
no wonder good things are just pretend
my luck might change if I don't pay attention
to what I can win
be who I am

 regardless, unbiased, subtle, benign, harmless
hardly defined by reward. content. priorities on my list are things I can barely afford.
be nice to myself like I had a friend
its no wonder good things are just pretend
my luck might change maybe when worth while things grow because I take care 

of them.
no wonder I just pretend
waiting for wings like I deserve them
no wonder bad things aren't just pretend
longing for what I can't see the value in.
more focused on what happens if.
and if it comes at all, what then.
the moment I've been waiting for
dare I ask, will I cherish.
my luck might change if I'm grateful
to be learning lessons
brushing past folks who are happy to give them.

 my luck might change if I muster,

 a sign of faith, around others who are also trying to find the way

I'm not the big role in my world anymore.
a fish too big for its small bowl.
maybe I can be

 a traveler in a story where I'm comfortable
being one of many.

make simple plans to determine simple ends.
with expectancy out of my head

no searching or chasing moments in the wind

to forget the one I'm in.

no wonder its pretend

no luck without within