Ophiuchus and His Band Of Idiots

The infamous team of Constellations is working to steal the power of the gods' so they can create their own universe. There's one problem, though. They're all idiots.

(An odd looking meeting room, with thirteen seats plus one extra large one. Each chair is labeled with each of the signs of the zodiac. The chair in the center has the design of a 'U' with a line through it, the sign of the thirteenth zodiac Ophiuchus. There is nobody in the room, and all is silent. Enter OPHIUCHUS,[oh-pee-uh-kuhs] the half-snake leader of the group of zodiacs, from stage left. He wears a white collared shirt, which has his sign on the pocket, and gray dress pants. He has dark green hair, almost completely covering his right eye. He has scales on the left side of his face, and a tie that appears to be made of snake skin. He pauses in front of his chair, then looks around)

OPHIUCHUS: Aries? Taurus? Anybody? (beat) HELLO! (beat) Why do I even bother, the day those guys listen to me is the day snakes grow legs. (beat, then to the audience) Other than me, of course. (laughs a bit, then peers off stage right)

(Enter THE TWINS OF GEMINI from stage right. The two each share half of the sign of Gemini on the backs of their hands. They both are wearing purple roman togas, the female’s shorter than the male’s. The male Gemini has messy brown hair, and has a smile plastered across his face. The Female Gemini has wavy and long brown hair, and she appears to be glaring at everything she sees)

TWINS: Good morning, sir.

OPHIUCHUS: Morning, how are you today, Gemini? And, Gemini?

M GEMINI: (in fake and over-exaggerated happiness) Oh, I'm just DANDY sir! Nothing to wipe this smile off my face which I obviously am not forced to have! (looks over at F GEMINI, with a look of 'Give Me Mercy!' in his eyes)

F GEMINI: (sarcastically, looking away from M GEMINI) Couldn't be better.

OPHIUCHUS: Thank Creation you two actually showed up! Why isn't anyone else awake? My alarm went off ages ago.

F GEMINI: (still annoyed) Maybe because it's five in the morning, sir. (she indicates a clock next to them)

OPHIUCHUS: B-But, my clock said it was nine![

M GEMINI: (still happy) Maybe it was Scorpio or Aries, you know those two! Always pulling some sort of prank!

F GEMINI: (looks off stage left) (fighting noises can be heard from offstage) Speak of the devil and one of them shall appear.

(Enter ARIES and TAURUS from stage left. ARIES is half ram, while TAURUS is half bull. ARIES has fluffy pink hair and rams horns on the sides. He wears a red hoodie and, as for his half ram, ram's legs as well. His sign is on his right cheek. He wields a sword, but at the end, it has been pulled apart down the middle and arched, in order to make the sword look like the sign of Aries. TAURUS is much bigger than ARIES and wears a gray tank top with army pants on. He has nicely cut brown hair, horns, and a nose ring. He holds a MASSIVE axe, which has the sign of Taurus right in the middle. The two are fighting each other, and at the same time, throwing insults)

ARIES: (pushing his sword against TAURUS'S axe) You better put your horns back in their place before I cut ‘em off!

TAURUS: (pushing his axe against ARIES'S sword) You're not one to talk about horns- oh, I'm sorry, I meant oversized snail shells!

ARIES: Wow. I was just insulted by being called an adorable creature. (fake crying) That really hurt man... I just might cry.

TAURUS: Oh, come on, grow up! (lightly punches ARIES)

ARIES: (holding his arm) Now you don't even have a sense of humor? C'mon Taurus, you're no fun.

OPHIUCHUS: (stands in between the two) Sorry to butt in, but, well, ARE YOU TWO EVEN READY FOR THIS MEETING?

ARIES & TAURUS: (putting down their weapons) What meeting?

(OPHIUCHUS repeatedly hits his head on the wall as the next two zodiacs come in. Enter SCORPIO and VIRGO from stage right. VIRGO is a brunette and dark-skinned angel who holds a large staff, with the sign of Virgo at the end. She wears a long white dress, with a yellow band around it. She aso has large, fluffy wings, and a shining halo. SCORPIO, our half scorpion, has messy orange hair, and happens to have two extra sets of arms coming from his back. He wears a black vest over his white shirt, and over that, an orange tie with the sign of Scorpio on it. He also has a large orange and black tail with a stinger at the end. His other hands seem to be trying to hug VIRGO, but she looks too annoyed to care.)

SCORPIO: Oh come on, babe! (trying to flirt)

VIRGO: (angrily) Babe? What are you trying to pull, you self centered arachnid!

SCORPIO: Only your heart into my arms. (tries to grab VIRGO, but she moves away)

VIRGO: Go creep some other girl out! NOT! ME! (She storms off to the other side of the room, leaving behind a very disappointed SCORPIO. SCORPIO’S tail and other arms droop in disappointment)

TAURUS: (coming up behind SCORPIO) Lost another one, eh?

SCORPIO: (defeated) Yeah...

ARIES: Well, if it makes you feel any better, you never had a chance from the start, ESPECIALLY after you and Gemini over there. (points to F GEMINI, who glared back at him)

SCORPIO: (him and TAURUS look at ARIES in shock) How is that supposed to make me feel better?

VIRGO: (to F GEMINI) Have you seen Libra, I need relationship advice, and advice on how to deal with obnoxious Scorpions!

F GEMINI: I think we all need that. Or something to kill them with.

VIRGO: My title is literally the Virgin! Yet he keeps coming after me!

F GEMINI: Well, in his defense, we all know your title is a lie.

(VIRGO turns bright red and hits F GEMINI in the stomach with her staff. Enter SAGITTARIUS and CANCER. SAGITTARIUS looks almost like a blonde Robin Hood, minus the hat. He holds his bow in one hand. On his pants, there is the sign of SAGITTARIUS stitched to it. He stands proudly as he marches in. CANCER, the half crab, follows shortly after him. He has neat orange hair, almost symmetrical. He has six crab legs emerging from his back, plus his left arm being a crab claw. He wears a blue shirt with orange tiger stripes and jeans. His sign is on his neck)

SAGITTARIUS: (In a British accent) Your hero has returned, my good men! (waits for applause, but all that is heard is CANCER'S quiet claps)

CANCER: Woo-Hoo, go Sagittarius! (ARIES immediately comes up and grabs CANCER)

ARIES: SHHHHH! You can't say that, Cancer! What if Leo comes in? You know how he wants to be the best. He will kill us if we say Sagittarius is better!

CANCER: But he can't do anything to us...

ARIES: OH YES HE CAN. (ARIES pulls CANCER to the side, leaving a sort of annoyed SAGITTARIUS front and center)

SAGITTARIUS: I never get any recognition... (moves to the side and takes out his mirror)

CANCER: So I can't even make him feel better?

ARIES: Only if you want your head cut off by an angry lion!

CANCER: Soooooooo, no?

ARIES: (slaps forehead) What do you think? Plus, he has himself to keep him company (SAGITTARIUS is gazing romantically at his reflection)

(Enter AQUARIUS and LEO. AQUARIUS is dressed in an extremely fancy, blue, two part dress. There is gold worked into the skirt. She wears a gold necklace and tiara. Her sign is revealed on her stomach. She has long, blue hair, and wears egyptian-looking eyeliner and eyeshadow. She holds a vase of water. LEO, our half lion and Scandinavian-ish friend, wears a tank top and long pants, with a giant pair of boots as well. On his head, he wears a lion skin, who's paws go down on his right shoulder, and his left shoulder houses his sign. LEO looks serious, while AQUARIUS looks a bit more laid back.)

OPHIUCHUS: Oh, good morning Leo, sir.

LEO: Morning, Ophiuchus. (beat) Hey, boss... Maybe I could lead toda-

OPHIUCHUS: (cutting him off) ABSOLUTELY not!

LEO: Well, worth a try. (looks over to the empty space next to him) At least you guys understand me! (hugs the air)

VIRGO: Oh look, it's resident Crazy and his band of invisible morons.

LEO: THEY'RE NOT INVISIBLE! They just don't like you... (looks away from VIRGO)

F GEMINI: When do you think he'll outgrow those?

AQUARIUS: (walking over) Outgrow what?

F GEMINI & VIRGO: HIS IMAGINARY FRIENDS!

AQUARIUS: Oooooooooh. The day Ophiuchus gives up his position as leader, and we all know that isn't happening anytime soon.

VIRGO: Yeah. (beat) Wait, Aquarius. Is that new makeup?

AQUARIUS: Yeah? Why?

VIRGO: (almost sounding like an over-excited teen girl) OMG IT LOOKS SO CUTE ON YOU!

F GEMINI: OMG YOU’RE RIGHT!

AQUARIUS: Uhm... OK then?

VIRGO: Well?

AQUARIUS: Well what?

VIRGO & F GEMINI: TELL US YOUR SECRET!

AQUARIUS: No way. (walks away)

VIRGO & F GEMINI: OH COME ON! (whining)

(Enter LIBRA and CAPRICORN. LIBRA wears a long-sleeved purple shirt, and long black pants. She has a golden necklace and short, light brown hair. She wears a blindfold with her sign on it, and holds two balances. CAPRICORN, an odd one at best being half goat and half fish, has a top half similar to ARIES, which makes sense because ARIES is his older brother. He has fluffy red hair, with small horns. He does not wear a shirt, which exposes his sign, which happens to be in large black print on his chest. He has a fish tail, almost like a mermaid. CAPRICORN walks in, almost begging LIBRA to do something.)

CAPRICORN: Please, please, PLEASE tell me, Libra!

LIBRA: No, Capricorn, just because I can see the future does NOT mean that I can just tell anyone anything I see.

CAPRICORN: You tell Ophiuchus!

LIBRA: For important reasons that may result in our capture or death by the enemy! I don't need to tell you if your toast is going to burn a few days from now.

CAPRICORN: Why not!

LIBRA: BECAUSE IT'S STUPID! (takes off her blindfold and looks CAPRICORN dead in the eye. This ends up paralyzing him for a few seconds, and in these seconds, she puts it back on and walks away.)

CAPRICORN: (snapping out of it) Hey! (annoyed) BIG BROTHER! LIBRA'S BEING MEAN AGAIN!

ARIES: (sighs) Just ignore her. And stop bothering her about your toast...

CAPRICORN: But big brother!

ARIES: NO!

(CAPRICORN cries and walks away from LIBRA and over to ARIES)

OPHIUCHUS: Ok, seems to be time for roll call. Aries, the Ram?

ARIES: Here, boss.

OPHIUCHUS: Taurus, the Bull?

TAURUS: Here, sir.

OPHIUCHUS: Gemini, the Twins?

TWINS: Both here.

OPHIUCHUS: Cancer, the Crab?

CANCER: O-Oh, I'm over here, Mr. Ophiuchus, sir.

OPHIUCHUS: Leo, the Lion?

LEO: (looking away from his imaginary friends) O-oh, yes, here!

OPHIUCHUS: Virgo, the Virgin?

VIRGO: Yep, I'm here.

OPHIUCHUS: Libra, the Scale?

LIBRA: Right over here.

OPHIUCHUS: Scorpio, the Scorpion?

SCORPIO: Yeah, I'm here. (trying to look cool)

OPHIUCHUS: Sagittarius, the Archer?

SAGITTARIUS: Here, my good sir! (bows)

OPHIUCHUS: Capricorn, the Goat?

CAPRICORN: (hugging his brother) I'm here.

OPHIUCHUS: Aquarius, the Water Bearer?

AQUARIUS: Here.

OPHIUCHUS: Alright, that seems to be everyone.

M GEMINI: Sir?

OPHIUCHUS: Yes, Gemini?

M GEMINI: What about Pisces?

OPHIUCHUS: Oh, yes, ahem, Pisces The Fish?

(There is a silence as everyone looks around the room)

OPHIUCHUS: (clearer) Pisces The Fish?

(Another silence)

OPHIUCHUS: (louder) PISCES THE FISH?!?

(Still silent. Everyone looks at each other and then they all scream at the same time off stage right)

ALL: PISCES THE FISH! WAKE UP RIGHT NOW!

(Enter PISCES, our half fish girl, from stage right. She has light purple skin, and insane, defying the laws of gravity, magenta hair. She has two, webbed extensions which seem to be in place of her ears. She wears a pink bikini with her sign on the top piece. She has gills on her neck and stomach as well. She walks in, groggily wiping her eye)

PISCES: (groggily) Sorry guys, (yawn) I was up all night watching some of Saturn's reality shows. For our enemy, she's really good on TV.

(Everyone seems disappointed at her)

OPHIUCHUS: Well, NOW that everyone's here, we can start our meeting. Libra, Virgo, can you go get the blackboard?

VIRGO AND LIBRA: Yes sir. (the two go off stage left, then roll in a blackboard with some sort of plan. While this is happening, everyone except OPHIUCHUS gets in their designated seat)

OPHIUCHUS: Ok, so as always, our plan still hasn't worked, so I guess I must state our objective again. Our obje-

CAPRICORN: (interrupting him) Um, sir, why do we have to state it every meeting?

OPHIUCHUS: Because I can.

CAPRICORN: Well, Isn't that just boring, and frankly, stupid?

OPHIUCHUS: No. Now can you kindly shut up because the only stupid thing I can hear is coming from your mouth. (all of the male zodiacs start screaming things like 'OOOOOOOOOOH' "BURN!' 'YOU JUST GOT ROASTED’ or things like that for a bit, and then OPHIUCHUS goes on with his plan)

CAPRICORN: (mumbling) Meanies...

OPHIUCHUS: Our objective, storm the god’s, Creation and Destruction, castle, defeat the Planetary guardsmen, and finally, gain the power of the gods so we can create a new dimension!

(There is a cheer heard from everyone except F GEMINI)

F GEMINI: Good in theory, bad in practice. (rolls eyes)

OPHIUCHUS: Looking back at last time, we now know that pairing Aries and Cancer as our spies is definitely our best bet for now.

CANCER: B-Best bet? WE GOT ARRESTED LAST TIME! And i don't wanna go into that spooky cell again, where it's dark, and cold, and creepy, and spooky, AND WE WERE GUARDED BY VENUS AND MERCURY! (screams and hides behind his chair)

ARIES: It's fine. Now we know what not to do! Sort of.

(CANCER slowly gets back in his seat.)

OPHIUCHUS: Leo, Taurus, and Sagittarius will be our first line fighters.

TAURUS: (flexes muscles) Makes sense.

SAGITTARIUS: Ok, please stop. That is so disturbing I cannot put it into words.

LEO: I HAVE TO WORK WITH MUSCLE BOY? WHY CAN’T I GO MYSELF?

OPHIUCHUS: That's plain as the massive nose on your face why you can't. (beat) Libra and Aquarius, I need you to stay back with me to help carry out the mission from a technological standpoint.

LIBRA: Sounds good to me.

OPHIUCHUS: Pisces and Capricorn, instead of second line of offense, I want you to try diversion this time, ok?

PISCES: OK! YOU CAN COUNT ME IN ON THAT ONE!

OPHIUCHUS: Which means Virgo and Scorpio are second line of offense.

SCORPIO: Perfect, more alone time with my babe. (SCORPIO tries to flirt again, but this time, Virgo whacks him on the head with her staff)

VIRGO: Have fun tomorrow, cause you'll feel that in the morning.

SCORPIO: Nope! I'm PRETTY sure I feel it now. (rubbing his head)

OPHIUCHUS: Gemini, you two are off this mission.

M GEMINI: (losing his happy face) Aww, but I wanted to go this time...

F GEMINI: (shoots a dirty look)

M GEMINI: (smile grows back) OH, WELL NEVER MIND, THIS IS COMPLETELY FINE!

OPHIUCHUS: Alright, If everything's settled, then we can move o- (everyone stops as they hear a shout from stage right)

MERCURY: (offstage) NOT YET MR SLITHERY SNAKE! (Mercury emerges from stage left. He is the first leader of the Planetary Guard. He wears a red army hat and red jacket over an orange t-shirt and black pants. He wears rocket boots and holds a handgun)

CANCER: EEEEEEK IT'S MERCURY! (hides behind AIRES)

MERCURY: Yes indeed, you bits of space junk! Mercury! One of the two leaders of the Planetary Guard! We have heard of your plans to steal the power of the gods, so I am here to bring you to justice!

ARIES: Can it be some other time?

MERCURY: Uhm, no? That's kinda, not how it works.

OPHIUCHUS: Why not, If you're captain of the royal guard, than you can do whatever you want!

MERCURY: Guess I never thought of it that way...

TAURUS: Well then, SEEYA! (all the zodiacs attempt to push MERCURY out the door)

VENUS: Not so fast! (Enter VENUS. The second leader of the Planetary Guard. She wears a golden suit of armor and has short red-orange hair. She holds a large metal spear. She has a much more serious demeanor than MERCURY, but still works fine with him. When she enters, the zodiacs let go of MERCURY)

MERCURY: Venus? What are you doing here? Destruction sent me to do the job!

VENUS: And Creation sent me. Makes sense that she has better judgement. Now step aside, shorty.

MERCURY: Hey! I'm not short! And for once can I have a job? Just once?

VENUS: No, because you're an idiotic part of the guard who can't even fly a spaceship!

MERCURY: Hey, at least I didn't run into a black hole. Only a NOVICE, would make that mistake.

(VENUS and MERCURY stare at each other. Venus is giving a 'I swear, I might just kill you' look, and MERCURY is giving a 'You didn't see that one coming, didja?' look. They stay completely still. CANCER and AQUARIUS wave in front of their faces, but they get no response)

CANCER & AQUARIUS: (non-unanimously) Hello? You there?

CAPRICORN: Are they ok?

TAURUS: Oh they're fine... Probably.

SAGITTARIUS: Fine, I'll get 'em to wake up with my masterful sharpshooting abilities! (he shoots an arrow right next to either of their heads, and this wakes them up)

VENUS: Ugh, Let's just get this over with... Together? (extends hand to MERCURY)

MERCURY: Together! (shakes hand)

PISCES: Touching, I-I'm absolutely touched by this beauty... SOMEONE ALERT THE ME- Actually, don't. This story's too boring. Also, we sorta have to split it up... SEEYA! (she karate chops down their hands, literally splitting it up.)

VENUS: Oh, so that's how you wanna play... (VENUS and PISCES begin to fight each other, with AQUARIUS and VIRGO joining her. TAURUS begins to intimidate MERCURY, which ends up turning into a chase between the two, plus SAGITTARIUS and SCORPIO jumping in at one point, all four of them holding their weapons and, every few seconds, taking a strike either way.)

(The fight goes on, and more people join in, and the chaos gets larger. Enter SATURN from stage left. She has long purple hair, and a pink outfit that would easily fit into any production of Aladdin. She wears many gold bracelets and necklaces, with golden hoops around her waist, legs, and even holding her hair into a ponytail. She holds a microphone and moves to center stage, and when she makes it there, everyone stops and the light falls  on her)

SATURN: Hello, Beauties and Gentlebeauties! For all you new people to deep space, the name is Saturn, and I am the local newscaster for the Deep Space kingdom. (beat) You don't know what the deep space kingdom is? IT’S WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW! (beat) Nothing? Geez, you amateurs. Ok.. FINE. I'll explain. The Deep Space kingdom is a part of the universe that is ruled over by the two gods of the universe, Creation (enter CREATION, the goddess of creation. She has long, rainbow colored hair, and a long, flowing dress with the signs of the zodiac on it and the planets on it. She holds a large paintbrush. Saturn points to her as the light falls on her.) She can either be the nicest person ever, or a demon. A full fledged demon. Then there's Destruction (enter DESTRUCTION. he has short blue hair with bright yellow highlights, parted in the opposite way as CREATION. He wears a yellow collared shirt, with blue suspenders, belt, and bow tie. He wears black jeans and boots. He holds a blue piece of glass that appears to be cracked.) He seems tough, but is overall a nice guy, and hates rules. (DESTRUCTION and CREATION exit) So there's basically this battle between the Planetary Guard, (lights up on a frozen Mercury and Venus) which is what you earthlings think of as the planets. And the Zodiacs, (lights up on all the zodiacs) who you use in your 'horoscopes.' So, the Zodiacs are trying to steal the gods' powers, which lie in the paintbrush and that piece of glass you saw. The Planetary Guard is trying to keep it safe. (beat) So, that's all the important stuff, now, let's see where this chaos unfolds! (Saturn exits stage left)

(the chaos resumes, nobody realizes that in the very short absence VENUS was gone, she had grabbed CANCER, and now he is gone. And then CREATION walks to center stage, the behavior stops as she shouts, and it reveals a horrible mess of the meeting hall)

CREATION: Cease this behavior! ALL of you! (she looks over at OPHIUCHUS) Oh look, if it isn't my rival, snakey snake...

OPHIUCHUS: Get out, Creation. Haven't you done enough...

CREATION: What about you? You have tried on countless occasions to wreck my castle! Not to mention steal my authority! As of now, I place all fourteen of you under arrest, by order of the High Goddess. Come with m-

(enter DESTRUCTION stage right)

DESTRUCTION: (running in) Creation! Stop!

CREATION: No. I told you I'm doing this.

DESTRUCTION: (walking in between CREATION and OPHIUCHUS) I will not let you hurt your own creations. This is insane. You are the mother of all things, and you would hurt them? We're going back. NOW. (He grabs CREATION'S arm, but she draws back)

CREATION: Are you questioning me?

DESTRUCTION: Do I need to make it any clearer, miss?

CREATION: I created you, too! I should throw you away just like these pieces of garbage.

DESTRUCTION: (he gasps and just stares at her)

CREATION: And I could just, I don't know, take that orb of power away any second. (she grabs for it for fun, but DESTRUCTION is disgusted)

DESTRUCTION: You think this is funny, woman? You know what? I'm almost disgusted by having to rule by YOUR side. (DESTRUCTION storms off stage right)

CREATION: Fine... Mercury! Venus! Come, we're going back.

MERCURY: But ma'am-

CREATION: NOW.

VENUS: Yes, your highness. (CREATION and VENUS leave off stage left. MERCURY follows, but resists)

MERCURY: (turning back to the zodiacs, he bows) I'm sorry. (turns and exits stage left)

(The zodiacs stand in shock, OPHIUCHUS at the front, until PISCES finally speaks)

PISCES: Is it just me, or did a guard just, APOLOGIZE to us?

OPHIUCHUS: I don't know. But I believe we have a problem...

LEO: That woman is going to be one odd rival.

ARIES: (shocked) Guys...

OPHIUCHUS: Oh no...

(everyone takes a second to realize the same thing)

ALL: CANCER'S GONE! (lights go down)

(lights come back up on only Saturn)

SATURN: Well that went... Well... Looks like I got my next news story! (lights go down)

(END OF SCENE)

Author's Note

One of the scenes from my play Astrology and Astronomy. This was written a while ago, so yeah there's a lot of mistakes. Have fun anyway!