And The Worst Part Is

If I kill myself, can I still get into heaven?

This stress is beating down on me like rain. Its always in the back of my mind, knocking at my unconcious.

Why don’t I have the strength to just pick up the phone and totally spill out my guts, tell him how I really feel? Why? Because I’m a coward. My only fear is that I’m going to run into him again 10 years from now and have a fake conversation about the weather and the kids that he has and I don’t, and in the back of my mind I’m going to be jealous of his wife- and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it.

And he’s going to smile, and ask if I remember how ridiculous he acted during class, and I’m going to melt all over the sidewalk because, yeah, I do remember.

 I remember his shaggy hair and the way he’d just sit there like he has any reason to judge anyone because he does have the reason to judge someone because, Jesus Christ, he’s him. And he dated that girl I don’t like and it didn’t work out and inside I was trying to find that confidence I had 30 seconds ago and walk right up to him and ask him out or at least tell him how I really like him but, no. Because that’s for my diary’s ears not his.

And he’s going to glance around nervously like he does whenever he’s about to break off a conversation and I’m going to have the nerdy urge to reach out to his forearm and beg him never to go, and he’s still gonna go. Because that’s who I really am. And he’ll never see that. He’ll never see the girl that likes to jump on her friend’s shoulders at school dances and yell requests to the DJ at the top of my lungs. He’ll never see the girl that likes to daydream about kissing him in the rain outside my house or the girl that likes to ride rollercoasters at Six Flags. But he’ll never see that side of me.

 

Because when I get around him, I freeze. I don’t know what to do or say. He thinks I’m just another wannabe rocker. But I’m so much more than that! I hate he’ll never see it.

And then he’ll say he has a meeting to get to and I’m going to say that it was nice seeing him again even though it was so much more than nice and he’ll say bye and part of me will want to stop him and get his phone number but I don’t have the confidence to and he’ll walk away. He’ll walk away like he did a million times before. And I’ll cry into my pillow that night.

 

 

And there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it.

Author's Note

Just me rambling about this guy I like in my class.

Reviews

[Forever Hidden]

I'm only going to say : this is heartbreaking.

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

Let me first off say that unless you tell him yes you will live with regret... it is better to try and fail then to wonder what if? Also even if he only like you as a friend you have your whole life ahead of you and will find someone. I know it don't seem that way now but trust me. I have been through many a heartache. Who knows ten years down the road you will be the one happily married with kids and he will regret not taking a chance with you. All I am saying is it is not as bad as you think. Though I know how you feel cause i have been there before.

[A. V. Madison]

Thanks.

[The Rock And Roll Cowboy(REBEL WITH A CAUSE)]

You are welcome... you are young, go out and enjoy life and things will fall into place.

[Baby Ricochet]

Great story girl! You pulled me in with the first line. You can really write. Sweetheart don't throw yourself at a boy. Just be avalable. The masculine aspect of the dynamic makes the moves on the muse and that's you. Understand?

[A. V. Madison]

Thanks. As you can see, DatVirgo & Harley E have much stronger opinions (see below)

[Baby Ricochet]

I didn't say don't do anything. I just said be avalable. Doing nothing isn't avalable.

[nigrum homonculus]

if nothing is ventured, nothing is gained. take the leap of faith. he is just like you....human. no better, no worse. its a level playing field. if you feel as strongly as you do about the kid. don't let time evaporate your chances. you have nothing to lose. if he says yes then things get real. if he says no...on to the next one. it won't be the end of the world and you'll get some closure. don't let the crush crush you though. no boy and i mean NO boy is worth your tears.

[Harley (arbiter)]

Look see ^ make that 3! Listen to us. Do it!

[A. V. Madison]

Harley, shut the hell up -_-

[A. V. Madison]

And if he rejects me, our friendship is shattered forever.

[Harley (arbiter)]

So does that mean you will?

[nigrum homonculus]

i doubt it....unless you two are like hi and bye friends. because i did the exact same thing with a friend of mine and it didn't work out but we still talk like nothing happened. don't be so pessimistic gurrrl

[A. V. Madison]

No. We'll just have to remain friends. With me secretly in love with him. Why do you guys insist that I tell him, anyways?

[Harley (arbiter)]

Yeah and you know you can't live without meeeeeee! C: :D

[Harley (arbiter)]

Because (from experience) it is physically impossible to just be friends with somebody you love and it be all ok

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

Because it will be sooooo much easier after words. It's like the weight of the world is lifted of your shoulders! Trust Meh.

[A. V. Madison]

What are you talking about, Harley. Completely off-subject.

[nigrum homonculus]

annnnnnnnnd because any friend would urge their friend to do something that could be potentially great for them. and life is simpler when emotions are aired out.

[Harley (arbiter)]

Ok here's my story. No names or anything but when I was about to ask, it took master chiefs guts and more to get the courage yes. What you do is close your eyes and ask. The second its out, you will feel so much better. Even if he says no, witch you never know he could like you too, you will feel content.

[nigrum homonculus]

close your eyes and ask? you soppy b*****d.

[A. V. Madison]

But I know he doesn't like me! So it's not worth it.

[nigrum homonculus]

how do you know that? its not like he told you

[Harley (arbiter)]

Shut up virgo I'm trying to help here! And uh you don't know for sure until you ASK

[A. V. Madison]

You guys don't understand the dynamic of the situation. He likes someone else, and I like him. And he's made it very clear that he likes me only as a friend when I give him little hints. So what's the point? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

[Harley (arbiter)]

THAT IS INFORMATION THAT YOU DID NOT TELL US!!!!!! And oh wow that sounds a lot like my situation... :/ keep trying. I did. Still am. It'll happen one day

[A. V. Madison]

THAT IS INFORMATION I INFACT DID TELL YOU!!! BUT IF YOU WEREN'T BOTH BEING BRAINLESS TESTOSTERONE-FUELED BOYS, YOU WOULD HAVE UNDERSTAND! Jesus christ, I have you guys messaging me on here, I have Kenzie texting me- I'm gonna have a god damn nervous breakdown. Never should have posted this story. It's making everyone mad.

[Harley (arbiter)]

Were not mad were trying to help you

[That_Girl]

Calm down guys... She'll be alright.. she just needs to figure out what she's going to do. There are some things you two cannot help with. :/

[nigrum homonculus]

oh god she's arrived. RUN YOU FOOLS RUN.

[A. V. Madison]

Thank you Avy. And yes, Virgo- YOU BETTER RUN FROM THE BOTH OF US, BECAUSE I ALREADY THREATENED HARLEY'S LIFE, I CAN DO THE SAME TO YOU!!! -_-

[That_Girl]

F**k off Phillip... :p Hun, you'll be fine... if he's worth the risk, tell him... if not, don't. :)

[Harley (arbiter)]

Oh ok then maddie you stop doing the same for me deal? And yes virgo get to the ship save yourself!!

[nigrum homonculus]

i hold the death sentence in 12 galaxies. come at me bro.

[nigrum homonculus]

okay... :(

[A. V. Madison]

We've had this conversation millions of times, Harley. And you know my answer.

Phillip- I hold the death sentence in 13 cities. o.O

[A. V. Madison]

Meant galaxies.

[Harley (arbiter)]

Then you know my answer
Oh and I'M THE BLEEPING JUDGE WHAT NOW!!!? Lol

[nigrum homonculus]

13?! WHAT!? how can i compete with that....

[A. V. Madison]

You two need to shut up for awhile, okie dokie? I have a stomachache, and I'm going to go watch a movie.

[A. V. Madison]

Bye.

[Harley (arbiter)]

We're just trying to help. Get better, laterz

[Marie]

Ten years from now you won't remember his name.

[A. V. Madison]

I know :/

[♪The Girl Next Do..]

I love this. But honey?
JUST. ASK. HIM. If he says yes, you have a chance, if he says no, it wasn't meant to be and you can stop wasting your time that much faster. I know it's hard. Just do it.
Anyway. Awesome story! :D

[Harley (arbiter)]

EXACTLY!! I've been there, trust me its better to come out

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

Totally. And the fasteryou realize that, the better.

[A. V. Madison]

You two are pathetic xD

[Harley (arbiter)]

No were smart ^_^

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

She's only saying we're pathetic because she can't find the courage to tell him :)

[A. V. Madison]

I'm going to slap the two of you.

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

HEY. WE MARRIED. THAT BE...ABUSED. YOU'D BE A WIFE BEATER!!!!! XD

[A. V. Madison]

OH WELL -_-

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

D:

[Harley (arbiter)]

Wait... she's married and likes another :O that's why you don't want to tell him lol

[♪The Girl Next Door♪]

Lolololol totally why :P

[Harley (arbiter)]

Wow. Emotionally powerfull stuff. My advice (and its worked and failed for me (everyones diferent) at some point) is to first listen to REO Speedwagon "can't fight this feeling" then, TELL THEM DARN IT!!!!! You may lose and you may win, but we'll never be here again. Even if it doesn't work out at least you don't wonder 'what could have been'

[A. V. Madison]

I don't think I could ever find that confidence xD I'm not that much of a courageous girl :P

[Harley (arbiter)]

-_- give me his # I will for you, and I added some more stuff after I posted that so idk if u read it or not but maybe idk

[A. V. Madison]

No way. If we get together & he treats me wrong, the poor boy will have to go through hell with you ._.

[Harley (arbiter)]

? Uh... wouldn't he deserve it, and -_- what could I do except txt him? I'm in arkansas.

[A. V. Madison]

You have that truck... you could come and murde- wait, I'm not giving you any ideas o.O

[Harley (arbiter)]

Oh yeah like I have the money to get into my gas guzzling truck and drive for who knows how long to cali. Its not worth it.

[A. V. Madison]

Neither is telling him.

[Harley (arbiter)]

Uh yeah it is, cuz if not you'll spend your days wondering what if.