Destructive Black Holes and Night-Time Sunglasses

May God shield us from Arrogance.

Destructive Black Holes and

 Night-Time Sunglasses

May God shield me from the evils of the word 'I' (egotism):

In the past, until the recent past to be more accurate, I have always believed that being sociable was the equivalent of being flexible and tolerant to the point of allowing the other person to be dominant, comfortable and entertained on the account of my own comfort and tastes and even until red lines are crossed on their part. I would then, after separating from those people for a while ( and through passage of more time) discover this nerve-wrecking amount of negative energy and repressed 'no's stored in my memory and subconscious. I would still smile and greet and exchange pleasantries, but in my mind, I have already retreated from honest communication. I felt like a black, destructive hole that was being absorbed into the gravity of another blacker hole.

It took a while. It took effort. It took more stupid unnecessary mistakes to be able to send enough energy to my brain in order to make it properly understand the meaning of the word: Stop. Don't do this. 

And, of course, change does not happen in a fortnight or even just months. I am still learning. I am still growing. 

Just as I believe that I deserve a chance beyond plain, superficial introductions and first impressions, I also try to apply that on people I know. Everyone deserves a chance to be clearly understood. However, I begin to turn around, draw formal lines, and mark with faded mental 'x' marks the kinds of behavior that reoccur, gather, or strongly meet in a person.

Prevention is better than cure. You might even find that you are against some of these behaviors more passionately than I am. 

There is no certain extremity order here. I typed as I gathered remembrance and explanations. A good friend would not at any cost want to: 

1) Hastily, confidently and/ or out of extreme stupidity misinterpret my actions and words:

-Mistake my silence (shyness/social awkwardness) for arrogance or pomposity.

-Doubt (repeatedly) the honesty of my expressions: You don't trust me crystal-clearly means you don't deserve my trust either. 

-Describe me as an open book: and as a result, you constantly (and without confirmation) predict my reason and intentions. No matter how much of an easily-read person I am, in the end, you are not officially licensed to analyze and make sense of my psychology and inner mind. 

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2) Hide contempt/ disagreement/ ridicule behind humor:

You: "Hehe. What the hell! Hehee, that's wrong/ crazy/ stupid. No just kidding. :D" 

No, you are actually not kidding. Telling me that you were joking when all your features and body-languages clearly scream 'NOT' is similar to wearing a crappy pair of sunglasses at night with the excuse of being hurt by the 'ultra-violet' radiations. 

You did not like what I did/said and you'd rather 'hehe' instead of facing me directly about it or simply admit to me: I disagree.

--- 

3) Talk enthusiastically (way too enthusiastically) about the near end of the world/ religious truths/ the secrets of happiness:

We live in postmodern times. Nothing is certain. Right and wrong, beginning and end, left or right are just relative terms.

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4) Insist repeatedly on how honest and blunt they are. (talk is cheap)

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5) Call me eccentric , too serious for my own good, or philosophical: Some people have this aura. And I am quite sure many of you understand it through the 'gut' more than with the eye or other senses. There are some people we know whose sarcastic comments or critical pointing fingers are not only bearable, but also preferred and welcomed as a 'self-checks' and healthy reminders to correct oneself and positively change. 

And there are others we know (or once knew) who would keep repeating an adjective because they want us to feel the word contaminate our roots of confidence. And because they don't feel good enough deep inside themselves, they want you to focus on that adjective and question your 'good enough' -ness in front of the mirror. 

---

6) Continue talking to me after I'd expressed my wish to NOT continue the conversation: 

If I predict that our argument/ discussion at this specific time might and can only make things worse, then it is probably true. Not because I'm an expert on future results, but because I know about myself well enough to stop at that point. If you don't heed the warning, go through it anyway, and ruin my mood and day, your value on my ;friends' list will be questioned.

--- 

7) Complain to me about d****e-bag boyfriend/girlfriend and then instantly scold me when I describe him/her as a d****e-bag or undeserving:

Your 'significant other' causes you to not feel like eating, working, or getting up to greet the sunlight. 

You tell me all about it. I pat your back. You tell me about it again. I pat your back (less patiently). 

Then you become a victim of depression and wild mood swings and you still expect me to keep encouraging you to 'fight for love'. Okay. I don't wanna know. 

*unchecks constant relationship update box*

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8) Apologize to shut me up or to appear as the bigger person: 

And DON'T tell me that's just me. I hate half-assed apologies. If you don't feel guilty, tell me directly that you're not sorry, or say nothing at all at that specific tense time.

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9) Underestimate my maturity for reading comics (manga) or watching cartoons/ anime :

And I swear, in some cases, those same 'underestimaters' wouldn't even mind watching s**t like: Frozen, Tangled or Pirates of the Caribbean.

---

10) Make it an obligation for me to be overly hospitable to their friends/family and stress that I act as if I'd known and loved them for an eternity or two. (oh my god..)

Now you will brace yourselves for a conclusion sprinkled with cheese and corn. Heavily.

If you feel like causing change within you reminds you somewhat of painful weight-lifting and the strain was severe, you might want to consider simply 'not changing' for now. The problem might simply be that you are incompatible with this someone. And there is nothing shameful about it. Neither is there shame or fear in choosing to be alone over molding your face to a smile that is not yours.

You have this sheet of paper in front of you. This sheet is you, isn't it? Everyday, every singly day it feels raw, unpolished even vacant from time to time. You will write and you will be contemplating how many people might read. Will they like your ink color? Will you affect their minds the way you had hoped you would and bring visible joy and closeness?

Once you stop circulating around these wondering, you will write more beautifully. Because you are beautiful, even when you can't often seem to find beauty around you. And all the little hapinesses will rise and fall before you are able to catch them if you fail to have faith in this.

17/07/2014

Thursday

5:10 a.m 

Reviews

[♔ CrownedDevil &#..]

A very interesting write. :) I enjoyed reading this piece.

[Darkimmortal]

Alright as always I am going to start off with the grammar. “In the past, until the recent past to be more accurate, I have always believed that being sociable was the equivalent of being flexible and tolerant to the point of allowing the other person to be dominant, comfortable and entertained on the account of my own comfort and tastes and even until red lines are crossed on their part.” This is a really long run on sentence……. “However, I begin to turn around, draw formal lines, and mark with faded mental 'x' marks the kinds of behavior that reoccur, gather, or strongly meet in a person.” You repeated marks in this sentence. AAAaaaand that is all I found.
So, I really love the way this is written, your voice is so prevalent within the text it just sucked me in and made me want to read more. That and the fact I wholeheartedly agree with every single thing that you said from the very first word. Also the sentence “And there are others we know (or once knew) who would keep repeating an adjective because they want us to feel the word contaminate our roots of confidence.” Really stuck with me. That was put together so well, it gave me shivers. That single sentence was so deep I had to stop for a second before I could continue reading.
All in all this was very very very well done, and I am happy that you asked me to read it for you. Your writing style is unique, sarcastic and intense and I love every second I spend reading.

[TL Boehm]

Standing ovation for this one. Standing ovation.

[Norma M Sutton]

You hit the nail on the head. I've caught myself doing some of those on occasion and agree those habits take some time to correct. It is a constant process of learning and changing.

[Tai Ryens]

Interesting thoughts regarding friendship, Rain; if only it would be polite to be able to shove such a list of specific in front of every possible close friend and acquaintance we can without scaring them off with it, for surely it would narrow down the friend list until we've discovered the friends we like the most, that frustrate us in the least ways possible, and that are overall quite beneficial for our own health. Then again, I do believe the journey is part of the entertainment in life and that, without the journey, we wouldn't have any memories to draw our nostalgia for our friend on.

Perhaps, the true friend is not one that fits into the mold that your list sets forth, but rather one that's so frustratingly irritating, but with quirks that make up for literally everything wrong with them, quirks that emerged because they were the way they were, and quirks that make us, in the end, long for their presence. I really cannot say much, as I've yet to meet such a friend, but the prospect seems rather exciting.

Thought-provoking piece, Rain. Keep it up.

[StarNinja]

I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can so I CAN... block the UV rays from killing my eyes.
You're right, that version doesn't jive too well. It seems to me that most of these points can be summed up in a few words. The problem is judgey people, or even worse, people who judge and expect not to be judged in return. So annoying! There's a word for people like that. For people who work so hard at identity maintenance, protecting the ego at all costs. For people who see flaws everywhere except in the mirror, for people who suck the energy out of you and then become enraged (not angry, enraged) when you tell them you don't want to deal with their B.S. anymore. There's a great blog about people like that and what drives them. Look up The Last Psychiatrist's blog and you will get a glimpse of the hidden epidemic that has swept over the United States specifically and the Western World in general. I'm talking, of course about Narcissists. Those poor unfortunate souls who feel hollow and empty (who am I? what defines me? what is my identity?) and so expend frantic energy to build a fake persona to show off to other people. Take for example point 4 in your story. That sounds like a classic Narcissist. "I know what I'm saying hurts you but being 'blunt' and 'honest' is what defines my one dimensional personality so I'm going to keep doing it at the cost of everyone around me," they say, even as they lie to themselves about their marriage problems, work problems, weight problems, etc ad infinum. So much for honesty, huh?
Wow I rambled for a while there. Sorry bout that. Anyways, I enjoyed reading the thoughts you shared with us at 5 in the morning (good God, that wasn't an all-nighter was it?)
About point number 3... do we still live in postmodern times? I thought we were at postpostmodern times when (according to Wikipedia) "faith, trust, dialogue, performance and sincerity can work to transcend postmodern irony."
What do you think, Rain?

[YouoweYoupay]

StarNinja,

I received responses when I linked this wiring to my Facebook and tagged a few people. One response was from a good friend (female, tends to overthink) was something like: ..So, you tagged me there. Have I done something? Are you mad at me? Is this directed at me?

I smiled and I assured her not to worry. One day I have found that by revisiting a few rooms in my mind, I learned things I was not supposed to be oblivious about by opening new ways to spontaneous and away from the 'am I genuinely being myself?' tensions. This was important to me as a person and as a writer. And after making those discoveries, I liked the idea of sharing it with you people.

The movement of modernism against the outcomes of the industrial revolution basically rejected the the absoluteness of the Enlightenment and, partially, religion. The term itself is a portal leading to a whirlpool of changes and ideas. But from what I understood and gathered, through modernism, deep-rooted dependency on stable social progress and submissive trust in the Church had been shaken. New expectations, theories and philosophies had placed stress on the power of intuition in addition to intellect, the vitality of the unconscious in creating reality, and heavy demonstrations and introductions of impressionism in art. Postmodernism arrived as a departure from all that. There was chin-scratching and eyebrow cringing and overall dissatisfaction with older ways and it opened new doors to change (from modern architecture to the international style) one of the doors opened was related to vagueness, uncertainty and variety of view corners. There is never just one two or three way to do or see things. There is no one dominant absolute truth. Post postmodernism was later recognized as a movement that is tired of the so-called skepticism. However, it is still young and has only embraced narrow-spread acceptance in the 2000's. (2007-2010) And since the 'death' of postmodernism has only been present in debates, it has neither actually died nor has it reached an official finish line in history.

Of course, I gave your respected opinion long thought. There indeed has been discussions and initial build of trust in the return to morals and ethics from the old days. However, I am sure you will find some truth in that once you look around outside your window, away from the guides and manuals and holy books, there is mind-splitting diversity, contradiction and deep unrest. There are sacred wars waged and warriors honored, their deaths celebrated when in fact, they were experimental dogs used and replaced with giant straws to suck the natural resources of another land. There are aspects in some religions and -unadmittedly- some regimes promoting class systems and unbelievably unjust divisions of wealth and power. Octopuses extending their tentacles everywhere and the more they get away with it, the more people submit to it then fall asleep on their ears. Many nights we wrap our arms around our hearts and what they contain of teachings and beliefs, but in reality we are really clueless about weather the sun will rise again tomorrow. (To be honest, I even made a bet with my sisters that I'd buy them cool t-shirts online if we would indeed survive 2012. I wish I'd just shut up about it.)

"faith, trust, dialogue, performance and sincerity can work to transcend postmodern irony."

Your words taste of wisdom beyond your actual years. However, what exactly do you mean by: faith?

Faith to some is slowly and carefully walking on the narrow stone lines on the border of the sidewalks. To others, it means to drink and be soaked with our parents heritage and live by their codes, hopes and even fall the same falls they did. Sometimes people translate hope as growing an ocean-wide sympathy towards broken things relentlessly. To mend them and recreate them.

However, I would like to believe that I share the same eyes as yours and that faith is faith. Trust is trust. Something felt and something very simple. If I try harder to believe in that, the world will only seem still circling in post modernity inside my head and if I try not to observe things too closely, the tones of skepticism become lighter and more hopeful. Your offer of a new viewpoint has caused pricks and little needles in my mind, in a quite healthy way. And the reviews and comments I receive in general on this humble website are more like gifts to me. I appreciate the time you took to view my unrevised flow of thoughts and how you toiled in between all the misplaced verb tenses, commas and typos. Thank you, Dan. Stay well.

-Rain.

[Coyote Poetry]

I enjoyed the thoughts. We could have a long discussion. You went to many places and thoughts. I believe in the end. We must find people and places we like. Can't make the naysayers happy. Find things you want to do. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Coyote

[YouoweYoupay]

Thank you so much, Coyote. It's been a while since I've seen you on my page. : ) Your visits are always welcome. I'm glad you liked this one.

-Rain.