Mental breakdown instigated by bad plums

food based rant.

Mental breakdown instigated by bad plums

 

I buy reduced plums in Tesco.

They are flavourless and sour,

not even ripe,

despite being out of date.

 

I look at the label:

Sweet, Tangy and Juicy.

Bollocks.

 

I flip it over:

Country of origin: South Africa.

No frickin’ wonder!

Pumped with more steroids than Hulk Hogan,

or hormones,

or whatever?!

Fruit that rots before it ripens,

with a carbon footprint like a yeti!

Yetis have big feet right?

 

I think of the slave wage migratory workers

who probably picked these plums

and feel like a dick,

like that time I bought blueberries from Israel.

 

Buying fruit out of season sucks arse,

the same way investment banking

and Trinny & Susannah suck arse.

Why would you fly fruit half way round the world anyway?

This is not James and the Giant f*****g Peach!

At least his fruit was delicious

and everyone got a share,

although I will admit he exploited those seagulls.

 

Why can’t we all just live in giant peach stones?

I wish I was living in a giant peach stone.